^ That's the sound that comes out of me right now. I'm sorry for posting, I know I should deal with things on my own, sorry. Before this with my granddad happened I was on my way into a darkness unlike anything I have ever experienced. I told myself that death was not an option since it would kill my granddad, but now he is dead. It would be the most selfish act if I ended my life now, there is no doubt about that, but what if I am selfish? I don't think I am, I wouldn't still be here if I was. My family needs me to be strong, but by using all my strength on them there is nothing left to keep me from breaking the second I'm alone. It's too much, depression, the voices whispering in the back, suicidal urges and now grieving. I need a break from feeling down. A longer break than a few hours, I need at least a day. The tears have finally stopped, but I can't stop looking out the window. It feels like death is calling me. Sorry, I don't think this makes any sense at all. I can't think clearly. Sorry.