Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rukia, Feb 2, 2011.

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  1. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    ^ That's the sound that comes out of me right now.

    I'm sorry for posting, I know I should deal with things on my own, sorry.

    Before this with my granddad happened I was on my way into a darkness unlike anything I have ever experienced. I told myself that death was not an option since it would kill my granddad, but now he is dead. It would be the most selfish act if I ended my life now, there is no doubt about that, but what if I am selfish? I don't think I am, I wouldn't still be here if I was. My family needs me to be strong, but by using all my strength on them there is nothing left to keep me from breaking the second I'm alone. It's too much, depression, the voices whispering in the back, suicidal urges and now grieving. I need a break from feeling down. A longer break than a few hours, I need at least a day. The tears have finally stopped, but I can't stop looking out the window. It feels like death is calling me.

    Sorry, I don't think this makes any sense at all. I can't think clearly. Sorry.
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    You are grieving. You are bound to feel bad. You have done so well so far keeping it together after the death of a loved one. Don't be afraid to cry. It may help.

    Keep posting on here you shouldn't have to deal with things on your own, what makes you think that?

  3. lurktheshadows

    lurktheshadows Well-Known Member

    golden is right sweetie, you should never have to deal with things on your own..you need a good support system, or kind strangers you can vent to (*points to self* :laugh:)
    there is so much left in this life for you, there is, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but there is a lot of love in this world waiting for you . . .that is what's beckoning you, not death.
    Your mind is in so much despair it wants to end it all, but there are other ways of changing aside from death, you need to shift your life drastically, you need to seek help, and you need to realize how truly beautiful and amazing you are
    you deserve to be happy <3
    if you need to talk..whenever, PM me
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am sorry you are so low i hope you can cry and cry and let all those tears out and then cry some more okay sometimes that is what is needed to release all the darkness inside you can pm me anytime okay. Please hang on hugs
  5. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I think I need to deal with things on my own because I feel that every time I post in the open forum I'm bothering people, taking the attention away from someone who is worth it. Thank you for saying that I can pm you, but I never will. I can never pm anyone first because I feel that I'm a bother. I can't even call my best friend who says I can call him anytime because I'm afraid of waking him. 2 minutes on the phone with him takes me out of the darkness for a while, but I still can't make myself do it.
    I'm seeing my doc and pdoc in a week, but they don't get how bad it is. It's not their fault, I just can't take my mask off completely infront of anyone. If I don't get anywhere with the docs, I'm thinking about giving docs all together. Stop taking my meds and let the voices run the show for a while, they do it better than me. It's stupid, I know.
    I'm trying to remember that my granddad is in a better place now, free from pain. It comforts me a bit.
  6. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    That's the disease talking Hanne, you are worth it.

    The voices do not do it better than you - they are white noise, interference - getting in the way of how you want your life to run. Someone does need the attention - that someone IS you...
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are worth it you are special and important and you most certainly do matter Please know that okay hugs
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    you're definately worth it hanne...definately..
    you have helped keep me afloat by caring (many times..)
    your grandfather would want you to keep going..I don't believe he would want you to give up...
    have you thought about writing the docs a letter for your visit so you can tell them everything you're feeling?
    grief is hard and the only way is through it..we're here to help you..*hug*
  9. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Truth is, I feel the same when I post - annoying and bothersome. But I bet other people don't feel that way about you. Do you feel that anyone else is annoying when they ask for help here? Probably not right? Well neither are you :) we all care and want to help. I'm sorry you feel so down right now. :hugs:
  10. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Arent we here to support eachother guys, come on dont feel bad about posting!!!!

    Im sorry your feeling down, your grieving please dont let this take over you, please dont use your grandfathers death as an excuse to leave. Remember the times he held you and loved you, he would not want you sitting there thinking this.

    My meemaw, she was really the only one to show us love as kids, I can still feel her around me when I think of her, it gives me this feeling of peace, and brings a smile to my face, I hope you can do the same with your grandfather.
  11. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Thank you for taking the time to reply.

    I HATE the evenings. Always makes me feel like shit. :cry:
  12. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Like most men, I was very close to my grandmother also. Miss her still though its been way over a decade since the passing.

    After time, you will feel more like what you do in life is a kind of tribute to their kindness and generosity. Sometimes, you let them down especially when your growing up and maybe a bit reckless. As children, YOU were their heart and soul, a grandmother has a love for the grandchildren that is easier than it was for her own children. I mean, her kids have grown up and left - so that spare time is always there to give to grandchildren.

    In my area MANY grans or nans look after grandchildren due to the usual alcohol and drug problems that affect some young mothers. Grandmothers hold things together so that loss in your life is horrible. I found out about mine dying in work. Never had time to feel embarrassed and just cried. All the men were great - they KNEW and nobody thought less of me. In fact, those who thought I was a thug of sorts saw the light.

    Makes me sad now - but I can smile though. Any tears would be short and soon replaced by the happy memories. Great days. Sacred days! Treasure them if they are still with you - treasure them if they are behind you. Try to be that sort of caring person who younger folk come to with their problems.

    As for thinking you ought to do all this on your own, the reality is that we need other's to help us through those times. Your gran would have told you this!!!

    You do know that most of us here would likely risk our lives, if perchance we came across you in some torrent of a raging river. Even if the odds were against us - be honest, and I'm thinking about other men. If we just watched - we'd be bigger losers than the poor soul in the water.

    So, given we'd go to that length, in this make believe scenario, how likely are we to offer help by simple means of replying to your posts and helping you out that way?

    It is SO EASY to do this for those us feeling in an OK mood and many who are perhaps far from OK themselves.

    I'd sooner have someone rage and rant a bit online - to vent their feelings (rules considered) because sometimes we feel like shouting about our problems but nobody is there we feel comfortable with.

    Better that than actually jumping into a river. I can swim, but at my age, could easily cramp up in chilly water.

    As an aside, maybe lemmings just see the lemming in front jumping off and they jump in to rescue them. On and on it goes.

    God bless you and hope your life can find one of those moments that set into place positive changes that make you better.

    Anything could happen - and your Grandmother, rest her kind soul, is NOT calling you just yet! She wants you to have a long and happy life. And you know what, I do believe that you can realise that possibility.

    I miss my grandmother. There was nobody I could open up to like her.

    We WERE blessed though. Some don't have that beautiful relationship. Sadly, sometimes the people we love die and hopefully we have people to speak to who have shared that sorrow. We are here for you. I'm here. Everyone's here and everyone who cares will agree that we're glad to help anyone.
  13. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for wasting your time.

    I hate myself so much. I'm not a good person, I'm self centered and can't stop hurting people. I'm toxic, ask anyone who has ever gotten really close to me. I deserve all the pain, I really do. In fact I should get back to old habits, so my body hurts too. Noone should care about me, I'm really a horrible person. I need to rememeber that, so I won't get close enough to anyone to hurt them.

    I'm really really sorry. Please ignore me from now on.
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