Ssed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InMyWay, Feb 3, 2010.

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  1. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Well, here is my first post of the New Year. I made it a whole month into it without posting anything.

    Not much has changed since the last time I did write anything here. Still in the same dead-end temp job, living in the same home with my parents, and dealing with all the same crap. SSDD in my case is now SSED (every day).

    It feels like my life has hit a wall. I’ve been out of school for almost three years now and nothing has progressed the way I was told it would. All the hard work didn’t pan out. I gave up on a social life in college or high school so I could get good grades and then get the good job. I was told people appreciate that, but I was lied to. At least that has been my experience.

    Every day of the week feels like the last one, every weekend is the same. I go over to the same friend’s home and watch a movie with him and his fiancé. When she gets tired she goes to bed, and then I play a video game with my friend until I get too tired and leave. I hate to admit it, but I’m sick of doing that every weekend. I don’t have the strength though to go out to different places though, so I’m screwed.

    Then there is this month to deal with. All the happy go lucky love birds are driving me off a cliff. I’ve had problems with this month for over three years now after my ex left me. Her birthday is Sunday and then a week later Valentine’s Day. So all those lovely break-up memories are being churned up nicely by the date and then facebook suggests her as a friend. And the best part is that now I can see she got married. That just brings me back to the worthless feeling of how my life is in limbo while everyone else around me is progressing. And also, it has been a little over three years since she left me, so why am I still feeling like this any time I hear information about her? I thought I was done with this garbage.

    So, since my life is not moving at all, maybe I should just skip ahead to the last page of the book and blow my head off. At least then I’ll be ahead of everyone for once. I’m going to be 25 in a few months and I have nothing to show for it except a rusting car in the backyard I parked when I started driving my mother’s old car and a bank account with enough cash to pay off my student loans (living with my parents made it easy for me to save up the cash, and going to a state school helped with the costs). This is probably a very odd post for anyone still reading right not, it must jump around from point-to-point.

    Time for me to go now. Have to get ready for bed so I can go to work tomorrow. With any luck I’ll get hit by something and killed. At least that way it will be an accident and the life insurance won’t be void.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Time to find a new girl someone to hang out with time to move forward instead of holding on to a past that is over. You had one gf you can have another take care.
     
  3. ghazi

    ghazi Well-Known Member

    DO NOT GIVE UP! We are all here for you!!!
    Yes, monotany can get dangerously boring...so make something happen! I realize you are afraid...of what? the change? life is about change...let it happen. Hope to tty when you get up....
     
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I like what ghazi had to say...I myself am considering online dating just to meet people and get me out of the house,...maybe I will meet Mr. Right but at least I am out there.

    I think you are judging yourself too harshly, 25 is still young and I didn't fall into my profession till 35 do there is lots of time for you. Please be more gentle with yourself and don't judge yourself by societal standards that are so arbitrary.

    Please let us know how your doing.

    Take care and hugs, Bambi
     
  5. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Thanks for the replies. I am not doing any better. Work was more monotonous than it has ever been. I'm close to losing the job depending on what happens to the other temps. Well, that is not entirely true. I amy lose my job so the girl with kids can keep her shift or I will be transfered to third shift. And that 1 hour trip at night before the plows get the roads clear is the equivelant of getting fired.

    Then to top it off my brain focused on the one thing I didn't want to think about. It is similar to a CD on repeat and I can't change the track no matter how many times I hit the next button. I really hate being like this, but any time I try to change I revert back within a week. Three years and I'm still this messed up whenever I hear anything. Pathetic.
     
  6. ghazi

    ghazi Well-Known Member

    i know its tough, especially right now...at the absolute very least, try to hang on for another 2 weeks, ok? give us time to work with you, and by then the season will be over.
     
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