standard of living

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by galalleni, Jan 12, 2009.

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  1. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Howdy All,

    Haven't been on here in quite a while - was in the hospital for a few months - also, one of my hands doesn't work right anymore (cut wrists, hand is always numb and doesn't move right). I know how to deal with my suicidal urges (I've had them most of my life) - but I am tired of fighting/struggling in life - it would just be easier for me to lay down my head and never wake up again.

    I just got awarded SSDI and SSI - my parents are my rep. payees (they handle my money cause I'm not too good with managing anything, especially money). I hate being a burden on the system and knowing that this won't last - I'll eventually have to try working again and the stress will destroy me again like it did last time (drugs & alcohol - severe depression - woke up in hospital psych ward).

    My counselor tells me that suicidal thinking can come from anger or sadness - but it is a very 'angry' thing to do according to him. I trust this counselor more than any other I've been to (and that's a lot, at least 12+) - but I am not angry, just very tired and depressed, I am not ok with my current standard of living (I'm useless).

    Please no one talk about positive affirmation/thinking - millionaires became millionaires because they worked 80+ hours a week and got incredibly lucky - no positive thinking can make good things like those happen - it's the stress test of life (failed that, but that is common for depression).

    I'm on 800mg Seroquel, some prozac, some remeron, and some welbutrin - even with all those anti-dep's I feel horrible, not happy at all, the best feeling I have is diconnection and numbness. I am so alone and sad.

    My step father takes <Mod Edit - methods> for his back and it is unsecured - I have <methods> (hidden from my caretakers of course). Let's just say I'm fighting incredibly strong urges here. My other urge is to deal with the pain using vodka to numb out and get through these hard times (liquor store very close to house) - also have the phone # of a neighborhood dealer.

    :sad:

    PS Have spent 10% of my life in psych ward, I'm 24 and have spent 2.5 years in the hospital (cumulative, not all at once)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2009
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