Standing at the edge.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by throwaway1234, Aug 27, 2012.

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  1. throwaway1234

    throwaway1234 Member

    My plan has already been laid out.

    I've almost succeeded in pushing away my loved ones.

    I recently went through another 7 days as an inpatient to be treated for extreme depression with thoughts of suicide. I had 7 days to think. And what everyone in the ward was telling me, was to find my happiness.

    Bit of backstory: about six months ago, my wife came to me with the idea of a three-way with her and a another female friend of hers. We did, it was amazing and we planned on doing it again. What ended up happening is the more time the other girl and myself spent together, the closer I became to her. I felt myself becoming distanced more and more from my wife to the point where I described it as, "sharing a bed with a roommate."

    Now after I get discharged and after spending seven days dwelling and weighing all the pros and cons, I decided that my happiness lies with the other girl. Both knew this as we had been in contact on the phone and my wife came to visit a couple times, but it still came as a shock to everyone.

    Since then, my world has begun to crumble down around me even more. I've spiraled down into a pit of alcohol abuse and popping my anti-anxiety meds like they're frigging candy. I can hardly stand up straight anymore and I just can't fucking deal with this existence.
    I don't feel like I'm allowed happiness. I don't want to be with my wife anymore; I don't want to be her burden. I don't want to be anyone's burden.

    And to top it off, the other night, after 12 shots of tequila and two gin and tonics, she calls the police on me. Regardless of who's best interest it's in, I still feel betrayed.

    I can't fucking cope anymore. My chance at happiness won't allow me to be with her and I can't find happiness on my own. I've spent SO MUCH of my life pretending to be someone else through video games or artwork. When I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is flaws. I see a piece of shit who's not worth any time.

    She's hidden my knife from me, but I can find it.
    I just don't know what to do anymore. And I don't want to go back to the psych unit.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Grass always seem greener the other side until you get there hun you want something you can't have so now time to work on you go back to hospital if you must and learn how to live with what you do have enjoy what is in front of you not something that is not within reach hugs
     
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Your dismay is a result of thinking with the wrong head here. A relationship is build on love and trust. Sex is the smallest part of happiness.
     
  4. throwaway1234

    throwaway1234 Member

    My psychiatrist said the same thing. But it's not like that. The last time I was inpatient, while talking to her on the phone she says, "I've met the love of my life, and he's married."
    I wish I met her first.

    I'm not thinking with the wrong head in regard to this. I legitimately love the woman. I don't throw that word around uncessarily. But I can't have her and I'm TRYING to move on, but I keep going back in circles, I start to get anxious or agitated and I medicate to cope or stop myself from doin something worse.
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sadly, peoples needs and what makes them happy sometimes change overtime. I do not know your situation so I can not guess as to why or why not "you can't have her". Though I am very much in agreement that having is often times less than wanting, but I do believe sometimes things just change through out a lifetime and it is nobodies fault. Keep working with your psychiatrist, work on your new self destructive behaviors , and give things time to sort out.


    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
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