Staring at a kitchen knife

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by MLKane, May 6, 2011.

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  1. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    I suppose a part of me wants to live, because I'm posting this. because I'm still alive to post this. hopefully this state of events will not continue. I'm sat here in my room, edit total eclipse triggering> down my shoulders, upper arms and chest. I have the <edit total eclipse method> from the kitchen here, I've been using it to<Edit total eclipse method triggering>. I'm not sure yet, but I'll work it out. I want to die tonight. I want to <edit total eclipse triggering> so that in the mourning when someone comes to the door to ask if I can come out so they can take the piss a bit more, my parents will come in, just going to wake me up. and they will never forget. no-one will forget and they will learn to listen when someone tells them that they hate themselves, that they're scared, that they want to die. maybe they'll think on that for a while, hopefully one day they'll see me in someone else and try a bit harder. either way, not long now.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 6, 2011
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Please get some help! :hug: Put the knife away.. out of sight. please?

    I know that you want your parents to listen to you but they can't if you're dead. Maybe go to them now and show them what you have already done so that they can take you to the ER. They will understand without you having to die.

    Are you mad at them?

    Please hun, get some help. :cheekkiss:
     
  3. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    i hope you have gotten some help for yourself. i can only assume from the fact that you want to put your parents through the pain of finding you that there is some anger towards them. you can achieve more by talking with them and showing them now close you have come, you dont have to die to make a point.

    life is a bi*ch and always will be unfortunately we just need to learn methods to deal with it. i doubt there is one person in the world that is happy with what they have or who altho when we depressed it always seems that everyone else is happy and has it made.

    you can make your point more by going to hospital and getting proper help. stay with us pls.
    :hug:
     
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Knives are meant to cut food, not people. Please don't harm yourself with your knife. Maybe your parents just don't want to accept that you're in such a bad state? Please get help. :hug:
     
  5. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    just a post to let you know I failed. In the end I pussied out, cleaned up with a roll of toilet paper and half a bottle of vodka. then the other half went on going to sleep. I feel even worse now because I can't even commit suicide properly, but it'll probably take me weeks to work up the energy to do it again.

    and by way of an explanation, my parents don't matter to me, they barely even know i exist except for the food I eat. my death would maybe make them think about what went wrong, but it'll be me they're looking for a fault in. no I was more angry at the people I've reached out to, made an effort to help myself by trying to make them understand. only one person gets it, gets it and actually cares, but I don't want to lean on him, he's got enough of his own problems to worry about, he shouldn't have to deal with everything. I'm just angry that I matter so little to people that theres only one person who really believes when I tell them I want to kill myself.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2011
  6. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    im sorry honey but im not sorry you didnt go through with it. You can message me anytime to talk i know its not a big help but sometimes venting eases it if only for a minute.
    xx
     
  7. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    you have more than one person that cares...you have this forum...if no one cared, they wouldnt respond. i am sorry that you see your parents the way you do, and maybe they are like that, i dont know...what i am trying to say is dont hurt yourself just to spite them. live and annoy the hell out of them!
    if you want to open up here about them...i am sure others can relate and support you. you dont have to suffer alone. glad you still here, reach out and maybe you will realise you are not alone :hug:
     
  8. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    are you feeling any better today? i know its not like the flu and just goes away but i just wondering xx
     
  9. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    heh, today I'm ok, the whole thing just comes and goes seemingly at random. some days I'm almost fine, I find it easy to go out and pretend to smile and feel happy. other days I just want to scream and hurt people, hurt myself. usually by about 3 in the afternoon any good mood I had is gone, so it makes a real difference on those days that I wake up and want to die. Today I woke up feeling ok, and both my parents are out for the day so as long as I don't start hallucinating or having DCD problems then I'll probably stay in a relatively good mood all day.

    it's just annoying that I have no way of predicting anything in my life, and no way of stopping things once they start. I can feel myself slipping down to that place where I don't just want to die, but I want to kill myself graphicly, publicly, maybe take a few people with me, try and make the world feel my pain. I don't like that place, but I can't stop myself from falling into it.
     
  10. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    bleh, I don't wanna create another pointless thread, so I'll re-use my previous one. yet again, poor little emo boy is sick and tired of living, and the sensible part of him is trying to convince himself not to die. I just can't take this shit anymore. I don't want to talk to a professional, but I know I will have to soon if I live. I'm scared of everyone around me, I'm scared of my friends, I'm especially scared of my female and gay/bi friends, and I'm shit scared of myself. and I'm fucking tired of being scared. I'm tired of torturing myself over my own idiocy, and I'm tired of covering up who I am because I'm scared that I'll hurt someone. I just wanna get out of dodge, I wanna hop off this life and never get back on. This time I'm trying fucking hard not to, but sensible me is losing.
     
  11. Arthur523

    Arthur523 Well-Known Member

    Keep listening to your sensibility because it is what allows you to plant into something that has fertility and eventually may get you to the point where you can think happily about your compatibility with the joy of feeling much less strenuously.
     
  12. HANNi18

    HANNi18 New Member

    I'm not going to tell you I know how you feel, because I don't. But after what I've read that you wrote in this thread, I'm kind of going through it too. I want help, but I don't want to ask for it. I've told my family plenty of times that one morning they're going to wake up, and I won't because I killed myself. My mom says she takes me seriously, but doesn't do anything to prove that she takes me seriously. And atleast you have one person that cares, I have none. I got rid of all my friends a long time ago. I honestly don't think it would matter to anyone if I was dead. I mean some days I don't want to die, but most days I'm obsessing over how I'm going to go through with it. I've been cutting for years, but my mom doesn't know. Because I know it will hurt her, and that's the last thing I want to do. And you might be thousands if miles away from where I live, and I know we've never talked before, but I would care if you killed yourself. So please, I'm begging you don't. If you ever need to talk to somebody, I'm here to listen.
     
  13. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    Bleh, pussied out again. I can't even commit suicide right.

    thanks for the messages. I still wanna kill myself though. I think it's gonna be like this every night for a while to come :wallbash:
     
  14. HANNi18

    HANNi18 New Member

    Like I said before, I don't know anything about you. But you must pussy out for a reason. I haven't attempted in few years. But I write the notes three or four times a day for the past few months. But I just want to make sure that I've said everything I wanted to, before I attempt again.

    But again like I said before, I'm here to listen if you wanna talk. And I will do my best to try and help.
     
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