Staring it in the face.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bart, Nov 19, 2014.

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  1. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Where 'it' is some really bad experience. For example, we've all had arguments with someone, where it's turned into a full blown rage, nose to nose shouting (or worse still, it gets physical). The next day we play back the 'tape' over and over and generally feel pretty bad about how it all became.

    Likewise, people who get mugged/robbed go through a pretty scary time. Really scary if it's at gun/knife point. These people can even suffer PTSD.

    Naturally, here in this post I'm talking about severe depression and suicidal ideation. Doubtless many people, even those mildly depressed, take themselves on a journey where they contemplate ending their life. Most of the time they are able to turn back at a point where the idea is not fully fledged. However, if the contemplation goes to the point of actual planning, then a person has made a choice which suddenly seems to be the only choice. It might be in the space of a few minutes that they reach this point, and then they are distracted and are able to abandon the one track thinking. If they can do this they spare themselves a lot of anguish.

    However, I'm sure there are many people here on this forum who have gone through the contemplation & planning stages, possibly several times, and perhaps have even attempted suicide. Many healthcare professionals define an attempt as being almost any step towards harming oneself. Indeed, if you take one more tablet than prescribed, you can be considered as having taken an overdose even if you believed (rightly) that it would not kill you.

    In my opinion it's difficult to say when an attempt is made as opposed to contemplation. I think it differs from person to person and changes according to circumstances. But let's take an example of a possible situation. A person goes about planning their suicide and places themselves right on the edge, where one further action is all that is needed to actually 'do the deed'. This is, as it implies, one step away from potential death. Regardless of how or why that final step is not taken, or is perhaps unsuccessful, the person will nevertheless be left with a harrowing memory of how they nearly came to their end. They might have gone through the entire process without another living sole knowing. Or worse, their penultimate step brought lots of attention. If it came to light what their intended action was, it's highly likely that police, medical and potentially fire services would become involved. This then becomes a highly visual recollection. Perhaps flashing lights of emergency services, uniformed people and general mayhem can leave the person (the next day) with some very painful memories. They then either play over the events in solitude or in the company of another.

    Often, people who've come back from the edge of ending it all, then have second thoughts about doing the deed. Merely recounting the events of what happened are scary enough to turn them away, at least for a while, from committing suicide. Sadly, in the UK, some people take an overdose of an easily obtainable over the counter medication. They wake up the next morning, maybe having been sick during the night, and regret their decision to end their life. However, they die an excruciatingly painful death a couple of days later as a result of their overdose.

    My point in this post is, painful feelings can lead a person to commit an act which then causes them even more painful feelings, yet, at the same time helps them to avoid taking their life by providing a scary memory.

    I've used the word 'scary' quite a few times. But it's more than that. It's violent. <Mod Edit:Methods> Taking one's own life requires the person to commit an act of violence against themselves, regardless of how it's done. And it's the situation people get in that creates a violent memory. Nobody likes violence, and it may explain why some people take a step back at the last moment.

    The mental scars stay though.

    Making it personal now...... Yes, the other day I took myself to the edge. I made plans that could have at many stages been interpreted/discovered. What stopped me is irrelevant. But I know I had to 'undo' some of the planning quickly so that others did not become aware of what I 'did'. Since then, I would say that I am have been suffering ptsd, and it's not nice. Being catatonic a lot of the time, hardly able to speak to my family (who just think I'm depressed), wondering how I can live with myself with such painful memories and searching for a way out.

    Finding this forum is a very good aid. I've been able to explain how I feel and perhaps provide an insight as to how violent ending one's life is.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 23, 2014
  2. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Hey There Bart, thanks for your contribution, I'm glad you reversed the steps you were taking, and I hope you're doing a little better by now. I'm not sure how to help you yet, have you sought and found professional help already? Take care and stay in touch with the other forum members!
  3. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Bart a powerful post with a powerful message. I am glad real glad you have stepped so far back from the edge! Makes total sense what you write. Sadly. I recall a time a few years back when I went to the very edge. What you said about police medics everything the mess chaos . Been there. Trauma. The violence of hearing the door been smashed down - the panic in peoples faces when they rush the stairs not know what they will find. It can avert the desire for the end. But also it can give a person a familiarity of the situation and maybe allow a rethink if there was to be a next time. I wont say more as im in no place to right now. But thanks for sharing.
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