start to drink and just want to continue...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by VALIS, Jun 7, 2007.

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  1. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    Free time is my enemy. IF there's nobody around to get me out of the house, like this week for example, I'm between the end of my job and the start of school, and the only way I can get through the mundane details like showering and cleaning is to get hammered.
    smoking pot works but its too expensive and hurts my lungs. 2.5 shots of whiskey and I can get in the shower, 2 more and I can get out the door, by then I'm having a good time. Of course that's not till about 4 pm....

    I hate the idea of activation energy. It's like I want to be somewhere but can't get there without help. does anyone else have this? There's just no fun in facing it on my own, no appeal to starting the day because I just don't want to do any of it, as I lay in bed....

    sometimes I feel like a spoiled brat because there are sweatshop laborers without the luxury of being in between jobs. But everyone has free time and I just can't work in my own self interest. I try to be creative and it just makes me more miserable when the words won't come and the drawings just don't speak to me or anyone else....I feel lazy and all the exercise I get feels forced....I hate the person I am right now and I'd rather be sleeping all day long than struggle to change my head enough to trick my head into waking up and getting things done. I hate this.
  2. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I understand the feeling very well. I don't HAVE to drink, I just choose to, even tho I KNOW it's not a good choice and I do it too much and too often. Every morning I wake up and say "I won't do that today" and still "do that" anyway. What a big loser I am.:sad: I'm sorry I can't help you but I can't even help myself.
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