Started cutting again, vowing to stop

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by irishone1, Oct 18, 2006.

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  1. irishone1

    irishone1 Member

    Hey everyone, this is my first post here. To give you a little intro to myself im a 20yr old male from the midwest and ive started to cut again. I first started when i was about 11 or so during the worst part/begining of my parents divorce and abuse. I only cut once, my brother stopped me. I tried to hang myself about 2 years later from depression, felt that I was worthless and tired of being beaten every day.

    Well a few days ago Ive started to cut. I think its because of old memories that have been popping back in my head. Never had a great childhood, experienced Xmases and bdays where there were no presents and no food in the pantry. PArticularily, the times I was abused come back into my head. I feel not so well. I dont really want to commit suicide, just feel depressed.

    Cutting again for the first time was unreal, a feeling that I was alive again. But Im going to stop. These last two days have been a damn rollercoaster. I have been looking at the developing scar and feel anywhere from pride to shame. Just needed to get that off my chest. thanks
     
  2. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the site! I'm glad you feel like you want to stop cutting. Allow me to validate your senses ranging from pride to being ashamed. I feel much the same when I cut. (I've been cut free for 10 days now) I don't know where that pride feeling we have comes from or why we'd even want to be proud of it. The shame is a normal aspect of it. I know that for sure.

    Do you feel like talking about your situation anymore? My parents divorced when I was around 13. My sister thinks that's one reason I'm so depressed. It is really hard to understand and put a firm grip on how life is afterwards. Even to this day, I find it to be a depressing situation. I hope you have a friend or someone to talk to. That always helps, but hard to find one you can really trust. I'm sure you know what I mean. You will find many people here at this site are in similar life changing obstacles like you. Stay strong and remember your NOT cutting ANYMORE!! :biggrin: Big smile!
     
  3. irishone1

    irishone1 Member

    thanks for the post counsciousinsane. As for my background, I started receiving beating at maybe 5 from what i remember (ie head slammed against furnace, punched, buckle side of the belt :D) and it hovered around that level for a while, it escalated to chairs thrown at me, punches, desks, swung at with a bat.

    I have a younger sibling and i did anything i could to shield him from the abuse. Often id have to provoke my parents to avoid him getting hit. Id always tell him to go to a hiding spot and cover his ears. Weve had police and child services come thru our house, all that fun stuff. When kids found out about it id usually threaten them not to talk as i was embarassed by it. divorce process lasted around 3 years or so, lots of time in court and parents trying to convince us who to trust/live with, balh blah.

    Ill be talking to some friends in about a week or so. and its been 3 and a half days since my last cut and i havent felt the urge today. thanks everyone
     
  4. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about all that. I truly am. And it was very brave of you to try to sheild your siblings from it as well. You are a true hero. You said you were 20 yrs old now. I assume it's safe to say things have "calmed down" between your parents. That maybe your trying to make it on your own, or at least the abuse has stopped. I will be honest and say I don't know first hand how it is to go thru all that mess. Worst thing ever to happen to me was thrown against the wall really hard, but...that was because I knocked out my sisters tooth. What I can tell you is that you are now grown. You have the ability (and it seems the will, desire, and strength), to take control of your life! Put your past behind you. Forgive what you are able to and try to put positive things in your life. Your friends would be a great start. Also if you have not done so already, there is a domestic abuse forum on this site as well. You may want to post there and get feedback and support to help you sort thru all those stressfull feelings you have inside.
     
  5. irishone1

    irishone1 Member

    damn it. ive cut twice in the last 4 days... managed to really screw up. i want to cut now, shits building up.
     
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