started drinking again

[bumper]

Haven't been on this board in a while. After backing down from suicide too many times, I decided to (once again) try to make the most of my life. I got back on medication, got back out there with my friends, and made it to work almost every day for months on end.

But it didn't get me anywhere.

So I've started drinking again. Alcohol is a drug. The same as all the antidepressants and sleeping-aids they have me on.
Drugs are just a temporary fix. They fix the problems on the surface. THey fix what can be fixed. But they can't get to root of the problem. So alcohol is the same as all the "acceptable" drugs my doctor put me on.
Taking drugs is just running from my problems. And I am so sick of running. Going to therapy is just running from my problems, and I can't do it anymore.

I'm going through some pretty wacky withdrawal symptoms, coming off of cymbalta. I get these weird surges that work their way up my spine and rattle my nerves all the way to the back of my head. They make noise as they go past my ears.

Cymbalta is also used as a pain killer, and coming off the medication is definitely brining back the pain in my back, neck, and jaw.

So tonight I am drinking. And babbling on here because I don't know what else to do.
Out of options.

Maybe the alcohol will give the courage to do what needs to be done.
I really don't understand why I am afraid to kill myself. I have come so close, so many times. But always chicken out. It scares me, as I don't really know what to expect.
But I know it can't be any worse than what I go through every day I am alive.

 

[allofme]

hi
dont think we have talked before... I am sorry to hear that you have slipped back into the depression..... did anything happen the started it all falling apart.... also sorry to hear that you are feeling the pain.... i am in chronic paim always.... so i understand... keep posting ..... i would like to hear more from you....

 

[bumper]

nothing happened. That's the point.
Everyone kept telling me that things would get better. They tell me I need to "hang in there".
Meanwhile, they go about their happy lives with their happy loved ones, and I am stuck here alone.

The police paid me a visit a few weeks back. My friend called them up after a telephone conversation. Two cops came over and talked to me for a little while, and it was almost comical! This is what my life has come to. No one can help me, so they call the cops to try to stop me from killing myself.
My favorite line when was when Cop #1 said "don't do a permanent solution to a temporary problem". and I almost laughed!
Gee, did you read that in an anti-suicide pamphlet on the drive over here? You don't know me, or anything about me. TEMPORARY!??!?!?! Get the fuck out of my house!
But I didn't say that. I just kept quiet, and fed them the answers they wanted to hear. I'm not an idiot.
They wanted to out me in contact with someone in Mental Health. I declined. I told them I am not interested in adding even more frustration to my life.
And oddly enough, I think I go through to them. I'm a fairly intelligent person, and I think they understood that I wasn't going to act irrationally.
So they left.
As police officers they see a lot. They understand that some people are better off dead. While they can't come out and say that, they know that life sucks for a lot of folks. ANd they know that, for a lot of those people, there really isn't any hope.
For some people I'm sure they can talk and convince. But, like I said before, I am a fairly intelligent person. They could see that I was thinking rationally, and had made the rational decision to end my life.
So they left.
I had the same experience with my therapist.

 

[Undertow462]

I don't know if you'll get this cause it's been months since your post and being new to this I see that it's hard to get a response from anyone considering how many threads there are, but I am one who knows about drinking to escape the shit of life. I'm 30 and have been escaping since I was about 17 and I don't even do it everyday, but sometimes I wish I did. I have nothing but people who give me advice like " Things will get bettet if you let it" and " You should think first.." What the hell is that?! I've been going through a downward spiral for longer than I can say and though I don't have good advice for anyone, I just want to say I'm sorry. No one, in my opinion, is sympathic to a person in my place solely because everyone is complacent or not willing to understand what I suffer everyday without judging. You should just know that I thought I would say I am sorry for whatever drove you to feel like that and post here, but you are definitely not alone.