Haven't been on this board in a while. After backing down from suicide too many times, I decided to (once again) try to make the most of my life. I got back on medication, got back out there with my friends, and made it to work almost every day for months on end. But it didn't get me anywhere. So I've started drinking again. Alcohol is a drug. The same as all the antidepressants and sleeping-aids they have me on. Drugs are just a temporary fix. They fix the problems on the surface. THey fix what can be fixed. But they can't get to root of the problem. So alcohol is the same as all the "acceptable" drugs my doctor put me on. Taking drugs is just running from my problems. And I am so sick of running. Going to therapy is just running from my problems, and I can't do it anymore. I'm going through some pretty wacky withdrawal symptoms, coming off of cymbalta. I get these weird surges that work their way up my spine and rattle my nerves all the way to the back of my head. They make noise as they go past my ears. Cymbalta is also used as a pain killer, and coming off the medication is definitely brining back the pain in my back, neck, and jaw. So tonight I am drinking. And babbling on here because I don't know what else to do. Out of options. Maybe the alcohol will give the courage to do what needs to be done. I really don't understand why I am afraid to kill myself. I have come so close, so many times. But always chicken out. It scares me, as I don't really know what to expect. But I know it can't be any worse than what I go through every day I am alive.