Started Seriously Contemplating Suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hnx, Jul 21, 2015.

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  1. Hnx

    Hnx New Member

    To put it out there: I've started contemplating suicide. I'm a very fortunate person. I have a family who loves me and a great job where I am doing well and on the apparent path to be very successful. For these reasons I feel bad about having the disorders I have that are holding me back and may ruin the rest of my life. I have always had social anxiety from the time was a kid. I think it was part hereditary and part from being bullied and not having any friends (I still struggle to make friends outside of work, which is odd because I'm well liked by my peers at work).

    About a year ago, after getting very healthy and in shape, I had this onset of constant nausea and then anxiety attacks that put me in the hospital for a week. I haven't been the same ever since. I've had all the tests you can imagine at the time to rule out physical issies. The anxiety is terrible at times and my brain will only think about the worst things over and over until it pushes me over the edge. Pretty much 24/7 I'm thinking of my anxiety and stomach nausea and it has taken over my life. Before wasn't afraid of public speaking, but the other day I left work early before I couldn't do an easy presentation because I was having a terrible panic attack about having to do it. I can't enjoy anything and my job is beginning to suffer because of this terrible anxiety. My nausea mixes with my anxiety and then I have this fear of throwing up in the meeting or during the presentation and it spirals out of control and only can think about that and that it renders me unable to act or throws me into a panic attack. I also had to leave another work event early because that happened to me. Although I used to have social anxiety never feared public speaking like this.

    It is so stupid that feel this way when have all the cards lined up for me. People are suffering so much worse than me and struggle with so much more that I am befuddled how this is stopping me in my tracks. And if things end with my work because of this I'm totally in trouble as have over 200k in student debt that I need this job (which do truly like) to pay for.

    On top of it all in single, not the most attractive person but not ugly, and my busy life makes it difficult to meet people. I don't see that changing anytime soon and likely end up never getting married or having a family in my current life circumstance.

    Why am laying all this out? Well I've evaluated it all and determined that maybe ending it all isn't the worst idea considering that I see my future holding a friendless and loveless life with maybe a high paying job and worst I'd have the anxiety a and stomach issues continue forever, which I couldn't bear. Once it becomes apparent at my job that cant function to do presentations or meetings because of my anxiety that is over and then I'm laced with endless debt and an inability to do anything because of my disorder.

    I used to be afraid of death, but you realize that it happens eventually for everyone anyway. If that is the case, then why wait through the pain? Why not expedite the process and see what happens (there is either an afterlife or not and that won't change whether I live until tomorrow or if love until 100). Also, I'm not very religious so the consequences of suicide under that school of thought are not really a deterent.I know that don't want to live like this and mental disorders are way more serious than the public recognizes.

    Ultimately, I feel trapped on this road and can either continue going down the path or get off. Nothing on that path seems worth it to me in my current condition.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    anxiety disorder is treatable very much so new medication that can help you and also therapy that can help you as well go down that route first ok You cannot know what future will bring you You just cannot see the future but if you do something proactive get supports you need to decrease your anxiety you can move on from this
     
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    I am sorry about this. Did you consider or go to a Therapist and a psych for medications to lessen the effect? There are members here that has what you have and they can give you tips/feedback?

    I have found myself too busy to date but I have now realized it is an excuse for myself to remain single because I really like it that way but I do wonder about what ifs some days now and then which is more frequent of late.
     
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