Started seriously planning my final day/suicide. I'm so close now

[Kitty Katzington]

At this point every time I remove my headphones, the only thing going through my head is suicide. I literally can't stop distracting myself or I will just die faster. I have a method, I thought of a nice location, and if my plan works it should take a while to even find my body. The method is fairly simple, and I could have everything ready fairly soon once I start working towards it.

On top of that, I started planning how I should spend my final few hours. So far I think it will just be a nice playlist of my favorite nostalgic songs, and maybe an episode of a podcast I really like. Nothing really different from what I normally do, but at least the scenery should be nice and peaceful till the end.

There's no reason to stick around. I don't talk to my family, the few friends I have left are abandoning me (including my roommate...I have no idea if he will pay his half of rent, and I'm already behind on all the bills)
I'm in a hole with no realistic way out, and I really don't have the energy to try anymore

 

[Unknown_111]

YOU are important and never forget. I am thinking of you and be reassured all of us do care.

YOU are not alone my dear friend. Yes the pain hurts at the moment and no doubt you shed tears on your own. Keep posting your thoughts as it will help YOU.

 

[JDot]

You say these last moments should be peaceful. If you stay alive, you can continue to have peaceful moments. I'm sorry you're hurting. But think about all the peaceful moments you'd miss. Just know we're here for you.

 

[Kitty Katzington]

You say these last moments should be peaceful. If you stay alive, you can continue to have peaceful moments. I'm sorry you're hurting. But think about all the peaceful moments you'd miss. Just know we're here for you.

There is never a peaceful moment. Every random noise at work, or in my apartment, or whatever drives me insane. If I am within hearing range of 25 different noises and conversations happening, I can't filter them out. Not to mention while I'm dealing with that, I have to deal with a never ending stream of customers so I can't escape.
It's complicated, and I'm on mobile right now so it's harder to go into detail but trust me there's a lot of shit converging to make things worse. It's almost like God is calling my bluff, telling me "do it, you fucking wont"

 

[johnDoen]

At this point every time I remove my headphones, the only thing going through my head is suicide. I literally can't stop distracting myself or I will just die faster. I have a method, I thought of a nice location, and if my plan works it should take a while to even find my body. The method is fairly simple, and I could have everything ready fairly soon once I start working towards it.

On top of that, I started planning how I should spend my final few hours. So far I think it will just be a nice playlist of my favorite nostalgic songs, and maybe an episode of a podcast I really like. Nothing really different from what I normally do, but at least the scenery should be nice and peaceful till the end.

There's no reason to stick around. I don't talk to my family, the few friends I have left are abandoning me (including my roommate...I have no idea if he will pay his half of rent, and I'm already behind on all the bills)
I'm in a hole with no realistic way out, and I really don't have the energy to try anymore

One more song in your playlist, if you are from the US, please call the number in the title of the video

It's important now to talk to someone, anyone who is kind enough to listen. If you'd like, the Chat Rooms is by the corner of the computer screen.

 

[Kitty Katzington]

One more song in your playlist, if you are from the US, please call the number in the title of the video

It's important now to talk to someone, anyone who is kind enough to listen. If you'd like, the Chat Rooms is by the corner of the computer screen.

The hotline won't help. They either won't care, or they'll panic and send cops after me. I really can't afford to waste time being held against my will in a hospital

 

[JDot]

There is never a peaceful moment. Every random noise at work, or in my apartment, or whatever drives me insane. If I am within hearing range of 25 different noises and conversations happening, I can't filter them out. Not to mention while I'm dealing with that, I have to deal with a never ending stream of customers so I can't escape.
It's complicated, and I'm on mobile right now so it's harder to go into detail but trust me there's a lot of shit converging to make things worse. It's almost like God is calling my bluff, telling me "do it, you fucking wont"

I'm sorry you deal with so much noise. I used to work customer service. I know customers aren't the nicest people and can make life a living hell. Just remember you can always come here to vent when things suck.

 

[johnDoen]

The hotline won't help. They either won't care, or they'll panic and send cops after me. I really can't afford to waste time being held against my will in a hospital

It's usually this hopelessness when I'm looking for help myself, but it's that I don't want you to give up.
You can change your life to be a bit better, usually this is risky but necessary, and it's up to you, we are simply here to help as much as we can.

There are a lot of resources available in the US. This is what I found in the forum:

• (US crisis textline) TALK to 741741
• By states: Crisis telephone numbers
• NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
• Searchable therapists: link

Then, there is still the Chat Rooms. It would take a bit of efforts to start a conversation.

 

[Sunspots]

Hey Kitty

I've just had a read through your posts since you joined here. You've got a lot of shit going on but there is a way around those things if you try to tackle them one at a time. Trying to fix everything in one go, just looking at the end result you wish for is too big. Break it down, baby steps, experiment with what works for you. Nobody is saying it will be easy, it's going to be fucking scary, but it can work out and the effort will be worth it. Nothing is going to change until you try something different. At this point, with your plan in place, what have you got to lose?

You've had a lot of good suggestions and advice so far. Have you tried to give any of them a go?

I can see you've not tried any type of therapy or medication - do you think it's time to properly look into these options rather than assuming you won't be able to afford it?

Give yourself a chance. You're worth it. Really.

 

[may71]

I really can't afford to waste time being held against my will in a hospital

What about going to a hospital voluntarily? I think if you're a voluntary admission, they usually won't force you to stay, I think (not sure, could vary by state or hospital). Maybe you could pick out a hospital that you like better than the others.

(including my roommate...I have no idea if he will pay his half of rent, and I'm already behind on all the bills

I think you'd have to go through an eviction proceeding to get kicked out, and a judge might be sympathetic to letting you stay.

In any case, the rent and the bills are the least of your worries. They'll work themselves out somehow.

Hugs

 

[Lifeisthis]

Don't do it!! Please don't. It's not worth it life can change for the better. Change your job change your life change whatever do whatever you got to do to make improvements in anyway don't give up please. We are here for you

 

[Kitty Katzington]

Don't do it!! Please don't. It's not worth it life can change for the better. Change your job change your life change whatever do whatever you got to do to make improvements in anyway don't give up please. We are here for you

Look...I just don't have it in me anymore to keep fighting this. I've been suicidal for at least 10 years now, each year being more difficult than the last. I was always eventually going to break, and 31 is about a year longer than my original guess for how long I would live.

No job will hire me, and I can't hold down a job even if I make the change. The only reason I'm still at the gas station is because I can get away with being openly depressed and constantly late to work without being fired. I kinda need money and shit like that, especially now. Plus I'm not qualified for shit, and no I don't somehow have all this extra money lying around to just "go back to school", and no I can't get a loan because I defaulted on the last one. I'm stuck. This is the end of the line, the best I can ever hope for. I just want to die. My roommate has seemingly abandoned me, my friends and family don't talk to me, I'm in constant physical pain from nagging injuries that never got treated (aka the American Healthcare Plan) <mod edit - timeline>

 

[Thauoy]

The greatest misconception about death by suicide is that he or she will have a peaceful afterlife or permanent rest. But it is not so. According to my religion and culture(Hinduism), those who die by suicide never get peace in the afterlife. They get far more suffering than the one in this world. Their souls have to wander here and there with thirst and hunger in the afterlife. Their souls never get another body and they have to remain in the Astral world as ghosts or spirits. Their souls are always in sorrow and unhappy as their desires cannot be fulfilled. Their souls never reach heaven or God as they destroy this life or body given by God. Such souls never get a peaceful rest as imagined by them. Instead they get far more suffering like constantly wandering here and there without rest and destination.
You are thinking of permanent rest but you might get a suffering and sorrow far more than this. So please do not suicide. We haven't see the afterlife. So how can you be so sure that you will get peaceful in the afterlife.

 

[Kitty Katzington]

The greatest misconception about death by suicide is that he or she will have a peaceful afterlife or permanent rest. But it is not so. According to my religion and culture(Hinduism), those who die by suicide never get peace in the afterlife. They get far more suffering than the one in this world. Their souls have to wander here and there with thirst and hunger in the afterlife. Their souls never get another body and they have to remain in the Astral world as ghosts or spirits. Their souls are always in sorrow and unhappy as their desires cannot be fulfilled. Their souls never reach heaven or God as they destroy this life or body given by God. Such souls never get a peaceful rest as imagined by them. Instead they get far more suffering like constantly wandering here and there without rest and destination.
You are thinking of permanent rest but you might get a suffering and sorrow far more than this. So please do not suicide. We haven't see the afterlife. So how can you be so sure that you will get peaceful in the afterlife.

Why is it that any religious person's immediate reaction to suicidal thoughts is to threaten the suffering person with an even more fucked up version of suffering? I grew up (sorta) Baptist, so trust me, I've had to deal with threats of eternal hellfire and pitchforks and demon rape for my entire adult life while trying really really hard not to kill myself.

I've since made peace with the fact that God is probably real, already hates me and millions of other people, and pushes us towards Suicide just so he can enact his sick, perverted punishment fantasies and still feel righteous because "Well, I told them not to do it..."

 

[Thauoy]

Why is it that any religious person's immediate reaction to suicidal thoughts is to threaten the suffering person with an even more fucked up version of suffering? I grew up (sorta) Baptist, so trust me, I've had to deal with threats of eternal hellfire and pitchforks and demon rape for my entire adult life while trying really really hard not to kill myself.

I've since made peace with the fact that God is probably real, already hates me and millions of other people, and pushes us towards Suicide just so he can enact his sick, perverted punishment fantasies and still feel righteous because "Well, I told them not to do it..."

Hey @Kitty Katzington , I am sorry if I hurt your feelings . I was simply trying to convince you not to suicide. Think that someone does care about the hurt you feel. Remember you are important and please be safe. Please keep posted and share your feelings. Best wishes and hugs.

 

[Lifeisthis]

Kitty please I'm begging you I'll be your friend I'm 33 just turned yesterday. I'm stuck in the house all day with chronic illness but I'll be happy to talk to you. We all will your still very young to change life around go back to school or become whovever you want to be

 

[CrossedSeas]

@Kitty Katzington i don’t know if this helps at all…but It sounds like you’ve been going through so much that is incredibly draining and miserable. I can understand that feeling of just being exhausted and not seeing a point in trying again, when the thoughts just keep coming for years and years. I know our experiences probably aren’t exactly the same, but I could relate to that complete exhaustion and just being done because I’ve been there a lot too recently. Im so sorry you’re in this kind of pain
I’m assuming from what you posted before that you’re in the US? If so…I’m wondering if you’ve ever run into NAMI? One thing that helped me is that they essentially run free support groups where anyone going through a mental health condition can go (either virtually or in person right now) and talk to other people going through the same. I was really scared and daunted by the concept of a support group honestly, but it’s been tremendously helpful. I’ve found friendship and community there that I never thought I would have, and they’ve helped me find a way out of situations I couldn’t find any solution to on my own. At least around here, Nami also had a place to call and get info on low cost mental health options or even things like assistance with any potential financial difficulties, transportation, etc.
Again…I don’t know what your local branch of Nami would offer, or if that would fit what you need right now, but I raise it because I know it’s really hard being caught in such draining circumstances and it did help me when Ive been in places like that, more than once. I really truly hope you find some relief, and that you get through this. Sending so much support and care to you

 

[plough]

At this point every time I remove my headphones, the only thing going through my head is suicide. I literally can't stop distracting myself or I will just die faster. I have a method, I thought of a nice location, and if my plan works it should take a while to even find my body. The method is fairly simple, and I could have everything ready fairly soon once I start working towards it.

On top of that, I started planning how I should spend my final few hours. So far I think it will just be a nice playlist of my favorite nostalgic songs, and maybe an episode of a podcast I really like. Nothing really different from what I normally do, but at least the scenery should be nice and peaceful till the end.

There's no reason to stick around. I don't talk to my family, the few friends I have left are abandoning me (including my roommate...I have no idea if he will pay his half of rent, and I'm already behind on all the bills)
I'm in a hole with no realistic way out, and I really don't have the energy to try anymore

I am not here to stop you, tell you that life will get better cause sometimes it doesn’t. There is always a way out, there is always a way to life. Whichever you pick, find peace. Sending you good wishes

 

[Autumn1973]

 

[Autumn1973]

Why is it that any religious person's immediate reaction to suicidal thoughts is to threaten the suffering person with an even more fucked up version of suffering? I grew up (sorta) Baptist, so trust me, I've had to deal with threats of eternal hellfire and pitchforks and demon rape for my entire adult life while trying really really hard not to kill myself.

I've since made peace with the fact that God is probably real, already hates me and millions of other people, and pushes us towards Suicide just so he can enact his sick, perverted punishment fantasies and still feel righteous because "Well, I told them not to do it..."

I understand. I once took a chance and confided in the wrong person about feeling suicidal, and all I got was a lecture about my lack of a relationship with God. I had another person attack me because I mentioned that I was studying Buddhism. So I know what that feels like. I wish I had the words to make you feel better, but I don't even know how to make myself feel better. All I can do is find simple things to look forward to to keep going.

Big hug.