Starting over as of today ^_^

Discussion in 'Positive Feelings and Motivational Messages' started by Trance, Sep 14, 2009.

  1. Trance

    Trance Well-Known Member

    I've had some time to think and everything just clicked. I don't have to be this way....I'm allowing myself to be caught up in my depression and the abuse. I'm sending this letter to the man i owe it all to.

    I want to formally apologize for my behavior over the last four or five years. I was thirteen and you seventeen the day we met, I’ll never forget it. That seems like so long ago. Its hard to believe that you can even stand to talk to me after all the shit I’ve put you thorough. I can admit now that at times I was taking the abuse and my pent up anger out on you, and I think you realized that, because I had no other outlet for it all. But that wasn’t fair to you, was it? My father has done some horrible things to me but regardless that gave me no right to hurt you. You who has stuck by me and tried your best to comfort me even while I was taking it out on you. I cant even imagine the vast pain I’ve caused you over these years. I wish I could take it back or that you’d maybe leave me to get back at me but even then I don’t think the pain would measure up.

    For years now you’ve been trying to talk some sense into me. You must have felt like you were talking to a brick wall. But I was listening. I just didn’t want to admit something was wrong with me or that I wasn’t even trying to take control of my life because I feared making the effort only for something to go wrong and me be back at start. It crushes what little spirit and hope I have left when that happens. But I cant let the set backs of my life totally stop me from trying. I’ll never move forward that way.

    I feel like in the last five years you’ve grown from a boy to a man while I’ve actually gone backwards in some aspects. I’ve noticed the changes in you and they make me proud to know I get to share my life with someone so strong and determined. Its so easy to stay stuck in your ways and give up but you didn’t. You knew you needed to change so you took the necessary steps to do so. I do truly admire you and I sorta always have I just never told you. You’re a special person and I’m lucky that you even want to be with me. Your so kind and forgiving but your real and stern when you need to be. And not only are you intelligent but for someone so young your awfully wise.

    I know I need to change for many reason. I’m sick of hurting like this especially when it isn’t even necessary for me to be going through this. I’m still young enough to turn my entire life around. But my main reason for changing is for you. You see because I fear that even this fucked up you’d still be with me and I would only continue to hurt you. It would destroy our relationship and I cant bare to imagine that. You’ve been a constant in my life when no one else was all these years and I couldn’t imagine trying to do this without you. And that’s not some guilt trip to hold you to me but just how I feel. I’ve loved you since I was thirteen but it took me this long to realize what I’ve got. All those years I was searching for someone to be with when the person I was looking for was right in front of my face the whole time. No you alone aren’t going to help me or make me better but you’ll help more then any of the others ever could because they were just as fucked up as I am. I thought that was a plus…that they’d understand me. But I was miserable because we only fed off of one another negative thoughts. With you its totally different. You understand me but you wont allow me to let myself stay stuck in all this and for that I thank you.

    I’m also sorry this is all coming so late. This apology is long overdue. I guess I’ve always been slow to realize things that were right in front of me or being told to me over and over. But I guess I had to want it for myself as well. And now I do. I want to get better and to be happy and be with you. I love you more then I could ever express in words but that’s ok because love isn’t just feelings but action. So I’ll show you how much I love you by getting help for myself.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    What a beautiful write and yes action are stronger than words and i do believe getting help for yourself will help bring healing to everyone. Good for you.