Starting Over

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Lady Byron, Aug 21, 2006.

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  1. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    Well, so far so good. I've haven't cut yet. I'm trying to stop. I really felt like cutting today. But I didn't. My whole body was aching and I felt really weird. I felt really light headed and so I sat down on my bed and just stared at the ceiling and listened to my Evanescence cd. It helped a little. I started crying though and that pissed me off. I hate that I cry. I also wrote something for my parents and my two friends. It hurt to write out my emotions on a piece of paper. I felt totally suffocated. I don't know if I'm going to give them what I wrote though. My mom made me feel really bad last night too. She said that she sees that I'm starting to isolate myself more and more everday and she knows that I don't hear her saying that she loves me enough. She also said that she was so happy that she got me as a daughter because I'm not like everyone else. She's happy that I'm still in school, I do what I'm told most of the time, I don't go out and do drugs and get drunk like my cousins, and all this other stuff. All I could tell her though was, "Finally you stop making Jessica seem like your perfect angel." (A little FYI: Jessica is my cousin who lives with us). and made her mad. Or was it sad? I don't know. But then I went into my room and turned on my music. I was totally furious, but I think I should have been more thankful. It seems like my parents never say I love you. And when they do, it's not to me. It's to my brothers or sister. It's also kind of funny how... how when I say I love you, they look at me and take a while to say I love you back. It hurts to think about it though. I think I'm better off just keeping my thoughts to myself. Ciao...
     
  2. me_

    me_ Guest

    It is GREAT that you want to stop cutting. And i know it's hard to resist when you feel like cutting, so you should be proud of yourself that you managed not to cut that day. :hug:
    Crying can be relieving, there are people who can't cry and would like to, so maybe you are lucky to be able to cry now and then.

    :hug:
     
  3. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I guess I am lucky that I can cry. It just frustrates me that I do because my brother is always telling me, "Go to your room and cry like a little girl." He pisses me off so bad sometimes. Like today, I really felt like slapping him when he started yelling at me because "he didn't get enough sleep." I am VERY proud of myself for not cutting all day yesterday. I'm going to try not to cut at all today. I know I can do it because I didn't cut yesterday and I REALLY wanted to cut yesterday. I guess I'm sort of kind of starting to respect myself, even if I don't totally love myself... yet. But I'm trying to say encouraging things to myself everyday. Today is not really one of the best days, but I've seen worse. And I just need to remind myself that things happen for a reason.
     
  4. me_

    me_ Guest

    Well you do seem determined.
    You have all reasons to be proud of yourself. :hug:
    And don't listen to your brother, there is nothing to be ashamed of about crying. :smile:
    I wish you all the best, keep up this way.
    And please keep us updated about how things go, will you?
    :hug:
     
  5. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    Of course I will keep everyone updated. So far so good still! I am DETERIMINED not to cut anymore. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. Also, I'm trying to tell my friends and family, it's just hard. That step might be too big right now. But trying not to cut... it's hard but I will get through this!!
     
  6. Thats brilliant willpower, Lord.

    Really is, thats the key to stopping.

    If you have any trouble at all, PM me, im always here.
     
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