Starting School

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Emily K, Aug 30, 2016.

  1. Emily K

    Emily K Member

    Hi,

    I am starting my sophomore year of High School tomorrow and I am absolutely terrified. Over the past few days I've been doing "dry runs" to the school to make sure I'll be okay. I am just getting really depressed right now because school is such a place of triggers and depressive incidents and suicidal thoughts and I'm just really really worried and terrified about the upcoming year. I feel so hopeless right now and in the past few days i've sunk deeper and deeper into depression and the suicidal thoughts have been increasing and that's really, really scary for me. I feel so guilty and sorry for everything, even if I have nothing to feel sorry for, I just feel sorry. I've thought about how maybe I'm sorry about living, sorry about being a burden on others, just sorry sorry sorry. And as much as I logically no this isn't true, the feelings overwhelm the reality. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, but I can imagine it so clearly is just me getting upset and loosing control- and this happening day after day until someday I end up killing myself. It makes me really sad and I just want to disappear. I'm talking to my friend later tonight but she can't get home fast enough. I almost feel forgotten- even though thats ridiculous and stupid. I've been on an antidepressant for about a month now and it had been helping- until now. I just feel like I'm losing it-- and that's really scary.
    Thank you for reading
     
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hugs. Do you have friends at school you can talk with? What about a counsellor or teacher?
     
  3. Emily K

    Emily K Member

    I have a friend but I was waiting for her to get home and I just sometimes feel...guilty... and just generally sad when sometimes she's not around
     
  4. Briezy

    Briezy Well-Known Member

    Emily, You story is so true. I went through something similar all throughout high school. I am currently a freshman in college and let me just tell you the good has to come with the bad. I know that is probably the farthest thing from what you want to hear. I hated hearing that the good time will come, things will get better. I absolutely hated that because I never found any truth in it. I can tell you from my experience it is all a balancing act. The medications help only if you find the right one or combination of multiple ones. Plus you have to put in some work on your own, the meds will not be the end all cure all. I know it is hard right now going into school, not knowing what to expect. I would assume, correct me if i'm wrong, feeling somewhat alone. I understand what that is like. I won't tell you that it is easy because by golly it is not at all easy. It took me three hospital stays to even figure out that I could live a somewhat normal life and even then I still have my down times when I need extra love and TLC. I encourage you to keep posting on these forums. Keep finding comfort in knowing that you are not alone. That was the biggest thing that I loved about places like this was that it reminded me that I was not crazy. I may have moments of craziness but so does everyone else. It is human to go through struggles like this.

    I saw that you commented that you feel guilty and sorry for living... Why do you think that is? Is it because you feel like you are a burden to other people? I felt that way for the longest of times. That is partially why I ended up in the hospital because I felt like I was bringing other people down with my Mental illness so I stopped sharing when I was down or needed help. I encourage you to stay open about the things going on. it may be scary but find that one adult at your school who you trust and talk to them. Know that they will be there to help you along the way. That is the only way that I got through high school was talking to my friends, but most importantly the adults at school. They are your best advocates both with your parents and with other doctors. Lots of love! Hope things get better. I would love to hear an update about how the first week went if you want to share. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.