Hello, everyone. This is my first time posting anything about myself. I have written drafts of what I want to say before, but I always end up deleting them. In fact, I tried to make a draft of the things I want to say now, but they ended up being over 2 pages. So I started over. Now I just want to keep things simple and start somewhere before I get rid of another draft. I think that I am unwell, and getting worse. It is not exactly extreme, but it has been in a state of constant decline over the past 6 years. Things started with feelings of loneliness, then escalated as my life slowly went out of control. Although it had been only episodes of sadness, I started getting nervous breakdowns a couple of years ago. These days, I am frequently going through periods of intense isolation and loneliness. I sometimes get headaches, so I take Panadol. I need lots of caffeine to force myself to get up and work. I also started self-harm a few years ago, though I only do things that don't leave marks, like hitting and biting. A hour ago, I was jabbing my legs with a letter opener. I have been managing my feelings with reasoning and willpower, so I don't "lose it". To my friends and families, I appear mostly reliable and trustworthy. I have also managed to get two bachelor degrees, one of them being a bachelor of law with honours. But in reality, no one in my life knows just how much of a mess I really am. I am afraid to tell them: my friends, because I don't want them to know this much about me; my parents, because I owe them enough not to cause any more trouble for them. My reason and control have been slipping, and it is taking longer and longer before I can suppress those painful feelings. Escapism helps, but too often I can't immerse myself in anything for long before the feelings return to me. I have contemplated killing myself, but not in any serious manner. I keep telling myself that I only have to do this until 30, after which point I can decide with more reference whether I want to keep going or not. I guess I am writing this because I want to tell someone after all these years. Also, that letter opener experience was very much a shock. I guess I was lucky in that the letter opener was closer than the Forever Sharp (TM) kitchen knife. That's my start. I don't want to turn this into another failed draft.