Starting somewhere

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Eld, Mar 28, 2010.

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  1. Eld

    Eld Member

    Hello, everyone. This is my first time posting anything about myself.

    I have written drafts of what I want to say before, but I always end up deleting them. In fact, I tried to make a draft of the things I want to say now, but they ended up being over 2 pages. So I started over.

    Now I just want to keep things simple and start somewhere before I get rid of another draft.

    I think that I am unwell, and getting worse. It is not exactly extreme, but it has been in a state of constant decline over the past 6 years. Things started with feelings of loneliness, then escalated as my life slowly went out of control. Although it had been only episodes of sadness, I started getting nervous breakdowns a couple of years ago. These days, I am frequently going through periods of intense isolation and loneliness. I sometimes get headaches, so I take Panadol. I need lots of caffeine to force myself to get up and work. I also started self-harm a few years ago, though I only do things that don't leave marks, like hitting and biting. A hour ago, I was jabbing my legs with a letter opener.

    I have been managing my feelings with reasoning and willpower, so I don't "lose it". To my friends and families, I appear mostly reliable and trustworthy. I have also managed to get two bachelor degrees, one of them being a bachelor of law with honours. But in reality, no one in my life knows just how much of a mess I really am. I am afraid to tell them: my friends, because I don't want them to know this much about me; my parents, because I owe them enough not to cause any more trouble for them. My reason and control have been slipping, and it is taking longer and longer before I can suppress those painful feelings. Escapism helps, but too often I can't immerse myself in anything for long before the feelings return to me.

    I have contemplated killing myself, but not in any serious manner. I keep telling myself that I only have to do this until 30, after which point I can decide with more reference whether I want to keep going or not.

    I guess I am writing this because I want to tell someone after all these years. Also, that letter opener experience was very much a shock. I guess I was lucky in that the letter opener was closer than the Forever Sharp (TM) kitchen knife.

    That's my start. I don't want to turn this into another failed draft.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member


    Well as far as first posts go that was great, and far better than my first one.

    Wow so much to say....

    First of all so glad you wrote all that out as you have been carrying a very heavy burden with you. Do you feel any better? I know I do when I get some of that crap out of my head. So often our thoughts and feelings own us and take over when in reality we can control them more than we realize. It is my belief that the feelings are so intense that they overwhelm us and next thing you know we are sitting there doing things like self harming and thinking of ways out. I sure hope you got some relief by reaching out and talking, keep it up as it does help.

    Now regarding the letter opener are you okay? Do you need medical attention? I am concerned about your health and possible infection etc?

    Please let me know how you are physically as I am worried and right this moment that is more important than giving you advice about therapists etc.

    As some one that self harmed in the past my heart goes out to you and I beg you to be more gentle and kind to yourself.

    Please let us know how your leg is, I am terribly worried.

  3. Eld

    Eld Member

    Thank you.

    I have been very careful not to break any skin when I did those things. I needed some pain to get my mind focused and off a few recent events. The letter opener is safely back in its exact location, so no one in my house suspects a thing. This part of my life goes unnoticed, for better or worse.

    It is...a relief to be able to say something. I don't know if talking has made me feel better yet, but it's a step and an outlet. I am not very good at communicating my feelings, since I have spent most of my life trying to deal with them by suppressing them. And now, I think as you said, they get too intense all on their own, and it's all spiral into chaos.

    I find myself thinking a lot with every sentence I am typing, as I try to make enough sense of things to put them into words. I am really confused which part of me is responsible for these thoughts: the one on the surface who is saying all the right things or the one with all the problems who just makes things worse? I feel a part of me is ashamed that I can't dig myself out of this hole to get on with life, and another part of me is worried that I will just make the hole deeper with everything I do.

    I am grateful that you said something. I really am. Thank you
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey! So glad you replied as I was worried about you and am greatly relieved to hear that you are safe for now.

    Please do not feel ashamed in any way for struggling with you issues/emotions, we all here struggling and I think you and all of us are to be commended for facing our demons rather than burying them down and just turning into a zombie or one of the autopilot people you see walking through life just clueless.

    It takes great strength to talk about this shit and you have demonstrated that strength in your posts already. That strength is gonna help see you through all this.

    Have you checked out the Members Diary section? you can pick to have it private (admin sees it only) or public or you can have both as I do. It is great place to just vent and sort out your thoughts, just a thought as it helped me.

    Now have you thought about seeking the aid of a therapist? I do during my big lows or when I go into what I call my "black holes of despair". I gained tremendous insight into my thoughts and behavior patterns which in turn let to me being able to understand myself and thus get out of the black holes...I am now working on spotting the damn holes before I fall into them!!!

    Would you care to share about some of the things that have got you down? I know sometimes with our depression it is not necessarily a specific thing but rather several smaller things that just bring us down and then BOOM we are spiraling downward. If you want more privacy you are welcome to PM as I have said but if you post here then others can reply too and that way you get more input...of course you can do both. When I am in my hole I reach out in as many ways as I can I feel so desperate.

    As an aside can you tell me a bit about yourself? Like age, where you live what you do? That sort of stuff, the stuff friends share about each other.

    I am here for you please know that and I am glad you are safe right now....just remember you are not alone anymore so things are getting better already. Love Bambi
  5. Eld

    Eld Member

    Took me a while to find the member's diary section, but I did. I am not very good with dairies. I might try it in the future.

    As for me, my life has not left a lot of memorable details. I am 24 years old and I am about 3-4 months away from getting admitted as a lawyer in the state of South Australia...hopefully. Not sure how I will do, but at least I have started earning points in the white hair department. I am most comfortable when staring into a screen, whether it is a TV or a computer. I played a lot of video games and I think it is an addiction. Fortunately, this mode of escapism no longer seems to work very well for me; unfortunately, it means I am out of options when it comes to getting out of my life.

    There is not a specific cause to trigger my episodes of feeling down. They are usually an accumulation of small things that piled over time. I am responsible for this in a way. For the start, I am not a very assertive person and I try not to make people unhappy when I can help it. However, I am surrounded by people with forceful personalities who seem to be aware of my lack of resistance to their demands. Usually my families and friends just keep on pushing and pushing until they get their way. This sometimes involves me taking on difficult odds when I carry out acts in their favour. There were times when I seriously overextended myself and ended up feeling very exhausted and hopeless. However, I do not and cannot tell them, because they often do get angry. I feel guilty all the time.

    I have lost count of the times when I had to say sorry because it was the only way for a disagreement to end without the other side, as they say, losing face. I used to try to justify myself, but these days, I find it to be much quicker when I just apologise even when it is not my fault. I have given up on other people and I have given up on myself. Before I tried to be a noble person who can take in the negative feelings from all other people, but I have come to realise that I am not that strong. It really wears me out over time.

    I am actually feeling a little more calm now that I have managed to get a hold of my emotions. My actions from yesterday actually left a few marks, and they sting a bit. Did have to resolve to a little more pain in the morning, but nothing permanent or damaging. I guess I got up too early and my mind was not in the right place. The day went all right though. I even got together with some friends in the evening to catch up. Then I return to my house at night where it is all quiet. I like the quietness, because I do not have to feel nervous
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi just want to say welcome and glad to see you are posting. I hope you have a therapist to help you deal with the burden you carry. A therapist can help give you skills to cope better with out harming yourself. I used logic for a long time to get me through the pain but eventually emotions came into play too.
    Now i am in therapy and learning ways to cope with all this new emotions. I hope you will consider getting some help someone to talk too because it does help it really does. take care of you okay because you deserve to feel better.
    Keep posting here in as well as there are so many kind supportive people here.
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