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Starting to Drown

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by not2serene, Oct 18, 2012.

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  1. not2serene

    not2serene Member

    I'm starting to drown...feeling overwhelmed by despair & hopelessness.

    The last few weeks have been another descent into the ocean of despair & death that's calling my name. I'm in...ankle deep, knee deep, stomach deep, neck deep...beginning to gasp for air as my head goes under. Yet, my hand still reaches up, though my strength is waning. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

    I'm new here, but not to depression or feeling suicidal...have attempted several times in the past. I do better for awhile & then feel worse again. I've fought for so long, but the fight is almost gone. I also experience PTSD, anxiety, fear, insomnia, & an eating disorder. These have been worse lately also.

    I have a plan and have been gathering all I need, but there is still some uncertainty if I can carry it out. The 2 things that help hold me back are my cat (who is very attached to me & I'm not sure he'd be happy w/ anyone else) & my fear of eternal hell. I had committed to help someone out this weekend & decided to fulfill this obligation, but make no more committments. I will do what I promised & then be free to end it all.

    The suicidal thoughts are becoming overwhelming. I spend much of my day thinking about it & am not sure how much longer I can hold back. Each day is harder & harder to get through.

    I'm starting to drown...
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am so sorry for your long struggle. I wish I had easy answers and solutions - but if there were then none of us would be here. You have detailed many issues - would you share how you have held on so far or how you have received treatment for these issues?

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. AimeeLou1984

    AimeeLou1984 Member


    I'm fairly new to the forum too, though I first joined in 2008. I've had a similar story to you...I've had periods of being suicidal. The worst was back in 2008 though I've recently felt it again. That hopelessness and loneliness. I suffer from social anxiety and have no friends at all. Recently moved back in with my parents. The only special friend I had I managed to push away when I told them I was going to kill myself. I've regretted that ever since. I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It's not easy knowing what to say. I know when I'm feeling that down and suicidal nothing anybody says really helps. But you aren't alone. All of us on here are here for the same reason. You have your cat...animals are often like the children we've never had. The companionship you get from them can be better than the interaction you get with many humans. So it's great you have that. You've been so brave and strong fighting until now...you're still here despite everything. That is something to be proud of. It shows you are a strong person.

    If you ever need to chat then please feel free to contact me :) People do care, especially on here.

  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are reaching out for help now hun so you don't go under ok Lots of us here understand those feeling hun but with support and therapy it get easier to fight hugs
  5. not2serene

    not2serene Member

    I am currently in therapy to try & help the depression & PTSD symptoms. I go about once a week, but I'm very reluctant to talk about the real issues. When I try to, I go downhill really quick. My therapist & caseworker tell me this often happens at 1st, but it can get better if I stick w/ it.

    I have prescribed meds, but they don't seem to help w/ much. I've gained a lot of weight & this kicks my eating disorder in. I know they can sometimes help, but aren't the sole answer.

    I work a part-time job...sometimes the sense of responsibility helps. Plus, it can help take my mind off my problems for a while.

    I feel like I need the personal will to live. Right now, I just want to end it. Nobody can fix it for me. Honestly, I have a great professional support team (psychiatrist, therapist, & caseworker); they've all been really trying to help. But, I'm not putting forth much effort.

    But, I believe there's some little part inside me that wants to go on, or else it wouldn't be such a struggle.
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