Starting to seriously harm myself

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Uulanda, Oct 10, 2010.

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  1. Uulanda

    Uulanda Active Member

    Hello all

    Now I don't really ever post here, but I do hang around it a lot.

    To jump right to the point I've started cutting myself again from a small episode I had about a year back. The previous episode was barely breaking the skin, enough to essentially make a scratch. Now I've started using a 3 inch razor sharp blade to cut myself as deep as I can, stopping before I physically pull away or lose consciousness; the bleeding on each wound seems to continue for a good 30 minutes straight even after applying pressure.

    The best bit is I always cut myself around my kneecaps to make it painful for me to walk as well. I've got 4/5 wounds on each of my knees, 3 on my left shoulder and 3 on my fore arm (before I realised it's not very subtle there).

    I'm not sure why I'm sharing this; none of it feels real to be honest, which is the reason I cut really. I want it to feel real, not some bullshit unmeasurable emotion which no-one else even sees, let alone can gauge.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You sounded like the pain is real and that you can express it...please continue to tell us what is going on for you...maybe if you find an authentic voice, you will need to cut less...big hugs and much caring, J
     
  3. Uulanda

    Uulanda Active Member

    To put it simply, I have a girlfriend who seems to hate me, treating me horribly when she does something wrong and saying that I can't talk to her about my problems anymore but her going on about her own. I have a father who has never been proud of a think I've ever done, and called me a wimp for not fighting back when I used to get beaten up and bullied. I have OCD so I can't ever stop thinking of things properly, they all end up getting locked in my head in an endless cycle. I'm always incredibly paranoid of anything and it means that I won't be able to even start thinking about learning to drive anytime soon, something everyone keeps telling me I should start right now even though I say I don't want to.

    I just have no person to turn to really, all of my friends are on the internet and my closest ones don't even talk to me all that often. My closest friend in real life recently threw me out of his house when I was staying there for a while just because he wanted the place to himself.

    I'm just not happy with anything, not truly at least.
     
  4. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    sweety it looks like you are in a need of caring. If u are with a girl who doenst respect you, then shes not worthy of you. You need to start doing things that make you feel good, like going out for walks and stuff. PUT yourself before the others, because it looks like you are doing all the way around. Life sucks and we're meant to live it the best way we can. And you know what? once u understand that life doesnt suck that bad, because u start feeling different towards everything. Focus on yourself, on what you need and feel. THe world sometimes dont deserve kindness, so u need to prove yourself you are better than these crappy people who are not dong anything but to hurt you.
    You need to realize that nobody will do something really good for another person unless they get something in return. If you want to feel good, the first step is to DO it, and not try it. Whenever u feel like hurting, think that it wont do any good to u, and think of another healthy way to release all that anger and pain. Here we have a Huge list of things to do, things that arent bad like cutting.
    You need to let everyhting out too, and thats why we're here!
     
  5. Uulanda

    Uulanda Active Member

    I try and do things that make me feel better; I cycle every day, go to the gym whenever I have the time and all of that stuff because I've always been told that exercise helps make you feel better. It hasn't.

    I've tried a lot to make me feel better and it wasn't until I found cutting myself that I started feeling better. It really did feel like it was letting out as everyone always says, and that sharp pain feels good in comparison to these other things I've tried.

    I'm sorry if I'm seeming really negative about your response; I'm very thankful you replied, but I'm really at the end of the line here, I don't know what other options I have to make myself feel better when the only things I've found to help are cutting myself and spending time with people that care. Since that second one is unachievable, I shoot for the first.

    I'm sorry.
     
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