Starting to think about Suicide

[kobesunset]

I don't know where to start. It seems like almost too much to say. Lately I have been asking myself "Why am I alive?" And I can't find the answer.

Six years ago I lost my job and saw it as an opportunity for new adventure in my life. I tried to move to Thailand and make a go at it there. I couldn't find a job that I was happy with and I used up most of the money I had saved while searching for a job. So I came back to the U.S. I had almost no money at this point. I asked my mom if I could stay with her for 3 days so that I could have time to buy a used van. My plan was to live in the van. I would then find a job and start saving money again.

But my mom was going on vacation with her new husband during the time I wanted to stay with her. She claimed that the house was her and her husband's. But actually, when they got married she moved into the home he already lived in. So I guess for that reason I could not stay there if she wasn't there. She told me I could not stay there.

Now I was in a desperate situation. And I had no choice but to live on the streets. My girlfriend lived in Japan. So, with the money I was going to use to buy a used van, I bought a ticket and flew to Japan because I knew my girlfriend would let me stay with her. She was the only person who would let me stay with her. My family was shit and didn't help me out at all.

I told myself I never want to be that poor again that I have to live on the streets. It was a scary feeling being so close to having nothing. I vowed to myself that I would never, ever put myself in that situation again. I also realized that I could not rely on my family or anyone to help me. From that day on I started working 2 jobs.

Now it's 6 years later. I am 36 now. I kept my promise to myself. I worked my ass off and saved my money. I am far from poor. But can't say I'm rich either. I just work and work every day. Most people would say that I don't have a bad job. But to me it just feels so mundane and pointless. Continuing on with these two jobs that I have would be like a prison sentence for life.

The thing is, I am psychologically trapped. May people would simply offer the solution, "Why don't you just quite your jobs and find something that makes you happy?"

But the problem is I have such a big fear. I am so scared. I am so scared I will go back to that place where I was days away from living on the streets. My jobs pay well and allow me to add a nice amount of money to my savings every month. If you looked at my financial life on paper you would see nothing wrong and even say that I would be crazy to give up such a good situation. But I am just not happy inside. I feel like I am going to reach the brink soon. I feel like I am days away from just not showing up at work. But then what I am going to do? No one is going to help me. No one is going to lend me a hand. And soon enough I'll be on the streets again. I don't know which one is worse. But I feel like the roads in my life I have to choose from are both going to bad places.

I don't want to continue like this. What is life worth living if you just work like a zombie doing mindless work? And what is it worth if the consequence of ending mind-numbing work is being homeless?

My wife left me 6 months ago. I couldn't give her a child and she told me I was not a man because I did not buy her a house and a car like all her friends' husbands did.

It seems like I just can't win. I think I have lost the will to want to win.

 

[Caster]

Hello Kobesunset, first of all, welcome to the forums.

I can definitely understand being afraid to give up those two jobs after nearly having to live on the streets. Is it possible to maybe quit one of them (perhaps the one that doesn't pay as much) so that you would have some time to search for a new one? While working 2 jobs it'll be hard to find time to search for a new one, but if you have enough money saved up to last a while then quitting one of them may be an option.

I'm really sorry to hear that your mom was so cold to you. That was wrong of her not to let you stay in her house for a few days while you got back on your feet. I'm sorry to hear about your wife too. Unfortunately some people care more about materialistic things in life.

Just out of curiosity, what are the two jobs you're working if you don't mind me asking?

I hope you'll stick around a bit and get to know some people on the forums. We'd love to help you figure out other options. Take care.

 

[llew]

i was homeless from 12- 17, when i realized home is where you make it, i had no home no family, the worst thing that could possibly happen in your head wont neccessarily happen in real life. As for your jobs i have recently been in a similar situation and had the same fears one of the major fears was exactly that, the fear of leaving my mind numbing job of 80 plus hrs a week and having to start from scratch all over again and going back to eating out of garbage cans, sleeping under stairs and when it rains the dripping keeps you awake whilst you lay there, damp, freezing your ass of, or waking to find your shit gone or some old perverted fuck standing over you jerkin off, any how i digress, my point is none of that happened.
I ended up getting so stressed about it i eventually took a massive overdose and trust me that doesnt help at all, it just dried up all my funds, because i failed the attempt obviously and ended up in hospital for 4 weeks and lost my job anyhow.

we often make a living but in the process forget how to live

 

[kobesunset]

Caster:
Thanks for welcoming me to the forum. On the weekdays I work as an English teacher. On the weekends I work as a wedding conductor.

One of my best friends, who is a bartender said, "At least you improve people's lives with your jobs. I don't even do that..." I understand his point.

Maybe I am being selfish, but these jobs just don't give me any intrinsic satisfaction or happiness. I merely do them because they are not uncomfortable jobs (plenty of which I've had before) and the pay isn't too bad. You know, maybe a lot of people feel the same way, but when I was young I always imagined myself amounting to something more. When I was 18 I saw the 36 year old me (the age I am now) as a winner, doing what I loved and being very successful. Man, I am so far from that image I had of myself.

I love learning new things, experiencing new things, traveling, sports and exercise. But my life lacks all of these things except for exercise, which I try to do regularly. And none of those things I can do as a job. I always wanted to be a songwriter. I even majored in music in college. But moving to Nashville to make a stab at a songwriting career seems like a joke to me. I can just imagine draining all my savings that I've worked so hard for just to chase a pipe dream.

No disrespect intended to you, and I thank you for your suggestion, but quitting one mundane job just to replace it with another mundane job is not the solution for me. I know that much at least. True feelings: A little embarrassed to say this, but I just want to stop working altogether and enjoy life on a beach town in some 3rd world country somewhere.

llew:
I can't hold a candle to what you've been through. You have experienced my biggest fear. And I don't even come close to working an 80 hour week. All I can say is that I have great respect for you and thanks for sharing your experience with me. It has been helpful.

 

[kobesunset]

June 15

I watched two episodes of a TV program called Freaky Eaters about people with food addictions. In one of the episodes a woman had been divorced for 20 years and she lived alone in California, far from her children. She could not stop eating sugary foods because sugar made her feel happy. But deep down inside she was suffering from loneliness. I cried when I watched this. I don't have a food addiction. But through this woman I could see the limitations in my own life and in my mind. I am raped by loneliness. I am cursed by it. My wife left me. I feel so lonely. I just cry when I think about how lonely I feel. The irony is, I have lots of people around me and no problems attracting women. But I feel such a loss from my wife not being here. I feel so lonely without healthy love in my live every day. This is why I sit in front of the computer for hours every day reading the news, wikipedia, watching youtube or whatever. It's all just behavior to numb my loneliness. I can see my trap. I know what it is, but I feel helpless to break away from it.

 

[Caster]

I've seen that show, Freaky Eaters, and the exact episode that you're talking about. I didn't cry while watching it, but I came darn close as I often suffer and feel despair from loneliness. For me it's not sugar though either. It's smoking or drinking or some self-destructive behavior for me. I guess my point is I can empathize with feeling lonely.

I'm sorry you're not happy with your jobs though. I'm not particularly thrilled with mine either.