I don't know where to start. It seems like almost too much to say. Lately I have been asking myself "Why am I alive?" And I can't find the answer. Six years ago I lost my job and saw it as an opportunity for new adventure in my life. I tried to move to Thailand and make a go at it there. I couldn't find a job that I was happy with and I used up most of the money I had saved while searching for a job. So I came back to the U.S. I had almost no money at this point. I asked my mom if I could stay with her for 3 days so that I could have time to buy a used van. My plan was to live in the van. I would then find a job and start saving money again. But my mom was going on vacation with her new husband during the time I wanted to stay with her. She claimed that the house was her and her husband's. But actually, when they got married she moved into the home he already lived in. So I guess for that reason I could not stay there if she wasn't there. She told me I could not stay there. Now I was in a desperate situation. And I had no choice but to live on the streets. My girlfriend lived in Japan. So, with the money I was going to use to buy a used van, I bought a ticket and flew to Japan because I knew my girlfriend would let me stay with her. She was the only person who would let me stay with her. My family was shit and didn't help me out at all. I told myself I never want to be that poor again that I have to live on the streets. It was a scary feeling being so close to having nothing. I vowed to myself that I would never, ever put myself in that situation again. I also realized that I could not rely on my family or anyone to help me. From that day on I started working 2 jobs. Now it's 6 years later. I am 36 now. I kept my promise to myself. I worked my ass off and saved my money. I am far from poor. But can't say I'm rich either. I just work and work every day. Most people would say that I don't have a bad job. But to me it just feels so mundane and pointless. Continuing on with these two jobs that I have would be like a prison sentence for life. The thing is, I am psychologically trapped. May people would simply offer the solution, "Why don't you just quite your jobs and find something that makes you happy?" But the problem is I have such a big fear. I am so scared. I am so scared I will go back to that place where I was days away from living on the streets. My jobs pay well and allow me to add a nice amount of money to my savings every month. If you looked at my financial life on paper you would see nothing wrong and even say that I would be crazy to give up such a good situation. But I am just not happy inside. I feel like I am going to reach the brink soon. I feel like I am days away from just not showing up at work. But then what I am going to do? No one is going to help me. No one is going to lend me a hand. And soon enough I'll be on the streets again. I don't know which one is worse. But I feel like the roads in my life I have to choose from are both going to bad places. I don't want to continue like this. What is life worth living if you just work like a zombie doing mindless work? And what is it worth if the consequence of ending mind-numbing work is being homeless? My wife left me 6 months ago. I couldn't give her a child and she told me I was not a man because I did not buy her a house and a car like all her friends' husbands did. It seems like I just can't win. I think I have lost the will to want to win.