Starting to wonder what's the point anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jake54, May 12, 2015.

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  1. jake54

    jake54 New Member

    tldr version: despite my achievements I feel like a failure, am miserable with my life, am alone, don't see the point in continuing any more

    I'd like to start out by saying that I am currently 34 years old, and have had suicidal thoughts all my life, starting at about the age of 17. I was really bad in my early 20s, but during that time learned to manage the thoughts as just a funky quirk that happens to occur with me, and had a relatively content life from my early 20s to about 5 months ago.

    I don't really think I am an emergency case at this point, as I have no concrete plans at the moment to kill myself. However I am thinking about it now and crying a little over my current situation and how I feel about it. Those early feelings in my late teens/early twenties are coming back pretty strong, and they are bad enough to get me to search for a forum to post on. I'm seriously starting to wonder what the point really is to my life, and I often feel selfish thinking about that because I have been so much more fortunate than so many other people in this world to even be having thoughts like this.

    Maybe right now I just want to vent about what has been getting to me for so long. I apologize if this is wasting anyone's time or doesn't seem worth being upset about.

    I am a US Army Veteran, I joined the Army in 2003 because my life was going nowhere and I needed to do something. I had wanted to go to college, but my depression had kind of screwed that up for me and I didn't have the money to do that anyways.

    I was in the Active Duty Army for a total of six years, spending over half that overseas in South Korea and Iraq. I did extremely well in the military, and had very high self esteem and self worth. I worked in a highly technical field and received excellent training that translates to the civilian job market. I thought I was going places and had plenty of opportunities ahead of me due to my military service. Bad things of course happened in the military too, most notable the death of a good friend that can still get me down at times.

    After leaving Active Duty, I moved back home, joined up for two years in the National Guard, and started college. With the GI Bill my degree was completely paid for, and they paid a monthly allowance for me to live so I could go to school full time and not have to work. I just graduated college last December with a BS in Physics.

    Armed with my 8 years of military experience in a highly technical field and a BS in Physics, I started the job hunt this past January. I think I applied to at least 30-40 companies between January and April. Only two of them contacted me back for phone interviews, and neither position went farther than that.

    Getting desperate for income, I applied at the call center I used to work at straight out of high school when I was 18. I had a phone interview, in person interview, and a job offer in less than a week from submitting my application. This place pays slightly above minimum wage, but I need a job, if not just temporarily until I find something more suited to my qualifications.

    Well, I am completely miserable. If you have ever done call center work you may know what I mean. The stress and frustration is too much for the little they pay, but the worst part is I feel I am way overqualified to be working there. I don't know why no one wants me with my qualifications and resume, I have been applying to jobs that I would be a perfect match for experience and education wise. It is really getting to me and am wondering why did I go through all of the work in the military and college to be stuck in the same place I worked fresh out of high school, alongside 18 year old kids?

    Then I start to think about my other failures in life. I have never had a serious relationship, and any relationship I have had hasn't lasted any longer than just a few months. Most of my friends are married with children in great careers, own homes, etc, and I am alone, poor, working an entry level job that I despise. So I have to wonder, seriously, what is the point? Why drag this out, why not just be done with it already?

    Thank you for reading if you have made it this far.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2015
  2. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    It's easy to fall into the depressing mindset where you start to compare yourself to other people, I understand that and how it feels. I'm still pretty young, but I look around, and I see people younger than me who've done so much more. There are so many people in the world, and so many people have concentrated skill or talent in specific areas, and the moment you start seeing all the great things people have done (usually due to their talents + hard work) it's easy to feel like you're some kind of inferior failure or something like that. Look at your own strengths, be proud of the things you've accomplished. You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy! hobbies can give you great joy in life if you find the right one. Not saying that you shouldn't try for a relationship, if you're lonely, then by all means go for it- but you should be patient when looking for someone. Being desperate to get into a relationship usually ends very badly, you should be in a state of mind where you are happy with your life without a partner before you start looking for a partner- but that's just my opinion.

    You're 34, might think you're pretty old already, but there is still so much you can do with the life you have left! Things might suck right now with the crappy job, but keep applying to places and you might get accepted someplace. It's never too late to find some enjoyment in the world, start trying new things and you might find something you can be passionate about! you may have untapped talent somewhere you've never looked. You seem down about your financial state too, but honestly, if you can find something you like doing, and can at least make a living off of it, that's worth a lot more than anything material. Even if you can't make a living off of a passion if you find it, work a job and also build up your skills in the meantime; That's the plan I have for myself right now- I'm attending culinary school but building up my artistic skill when I've got free time.

    Sorry if I didn't help at all, I'm pretty sleepy at the time of writing this. Most of the time I feel like I don't even know what the heck I'm talking about, I'm just a naiive 21 year old, but I still hope some of my words managed to help even a little. Hope you find a job that suits you better soon.
     
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