Starting to worry myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Relentless941, Sep 8, 2012.

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  1. Relentless941

    Relentless941 New Member

    I don't really know if this belongs in this section, or the other crisis section and to be quite honest I don't even know why I'm posting.

    I'm going through a really tough time right now and the way I feel I'm genuinely starting to worry myself. I've always been a really strong person, I'm always the person who everyone turns to for advice and I was always "the shoulder" to cry on for everyone. I think that's why it worries me so much.

    Sorry, anyway..

    Hi everyone.

    I'm 21 and going through a really shitty situation right now. Honestly feel like I'm at breaking point, or beyond it..

    I was with my ex since I was 15. That's a long time together for people our age.. She got pregnant a little over a year ago, and lost baby Riley. We were devastated, and that put a huge strain on our relationship.. She got pregnant not long after though, and her pregnancy was absolute hell. But I stuck with her, I was always there for her - I would tell her everyday how beautiful I found her, give her backrubs, drive to the shops at stupid o'clock just to satisfy her cravings for ice cream.. I did everything I possibly could. Due to the way she was feeling and hormones she constantly pushed me away. It hurt like hell, but I knew we would get through it. You know it's a bad situation when a 6'2 200lbs hockey player cries himself to sleep at night. That's how bad it got..

    So fastforward a little bit and Ryan was eventually born, C section, on January of this year. I love that little boy with all my heart, he is everything to me. I was so nervous at first having never even held a baby before in my life - But I stuck in, looked after them both everyday while still cooking and doing cleaning. I drove 30 miles a day just to see them both for a few hours (She was kept in hospital for a week)

    Things gradually got worse, she tried to split up with me a few times - but I stuck in there adamant I wanted to be a family and we would make it work for Ryan. But that never happened. I decided enough was enough and we left it all behind and went our separate ways. I was really lost - but I had a friend who was there for me through a lot of shit. She was always the smart one who knew just the right thing to say to make me feel better..

    Shortly after splitting up with my ex, I went to visit my friend for the weekend.. Chemistry was there, sparked an old flame and we realised we were pretty much meant for eachother. Short time after being in such a long relationship, I know - But you can't help when you fall in love.
    My ex didn't take this very well at all. She was convinced I'd been cheating on her for months and stopped me seeing my son. Apparently putting my new girlfriend as a priority over my little boy who I love with all my heart. I'm absolutely devoted to him.

    So this all got spread over Facebook due to her and her family, I was left without a name pretty much.

    "You're better off without him, looks like he was screwing around for months. He's drained you financially and emotionally"

    "One day when Ryan grows up, he will see that he never wanted to be around him and just tell him to piss off!"

    From her mum and dad, Lovely. Considering I did everything for them. I cooked for them at night when they came in from work, cleaned the house for them - Did all their dishes even when I wasn't living there.. I even picked her dad up without hesitation the week before when he crashed his motorbike and got taken to hospital in an ambulance.

    Had a lot of abuse from my ex, although nobody can see it that way apart from myself, my girlfriend and a few friends. My days with my son were cut from seeing him everyday to seeing him twice a week for a few hours a day.

    It's been an uphill struggle since, sometimes my ex will be okay with me - the next day I'm called for everything under the sun.. The day after she acts like nothing happened at all.

    Forgot to mention somewhere, my girlfriend actually lives 300 miles away, so we were maintaining a long distance relationship and I was travelling down for a few days every 2 weeks or so, just so I could see her. Nothing worse than having the shittiest day in the world and you can't even hug the person you love.

    She's been talking about moving up for a while, but obviously because I live in a different country things are difficult - We can afford it, but her mum won't let her move up until she finds a job.. Which is practically impossible for her when she cant travel for an interview. She just managed to afford to travel this week for a job interview which everything was looking hopeful for - If she got this job she'd be moving up next week - Unfortunately yesterday she found out she never got the job so naturally we're both crushed.

    Also, this weekend I just started a job I have been trying to get for 3 years - and I had the day from hell. I'm really dreading going back on Monday. I drowned my sorrows yesterday laid on my bed in the dark, on my own sobbing into a tin of beer and just listening to music.

    Because of this job, this means the days I can see my son have been cut again - and I can only see him on a Sunday. My ex is making this difficult too because apparently that's "Her mum and dad's day to see Ryan"

    Really feel like I'm slipping off the edge. I can't concentrate on anything. I don't have my woman, I don't have my son, I don't have my dogs (my ex's dogs.. they were mine for the past 4 years) I really feel lost.

    Me and my girlfriend are completely stuck. She can't move up until she finds a job, she can't find a job until she moves up.. She doesn't want to move up and not have a job.

    It takes everything I have to even get out of bed in the mornings. I can't even look at my son anymore without crying because I'm so messed up in the head just now. As I said before, I'm a strong person and have always managed to deal with everything by myself - so to feel this bad is just.. Mindblowing..

    I can't even tell my girlfriend just how bad I feel because I have to be strong for her too. I can't be bothered with anything anymore. I know that sounds cliché but I honestly can't even face playing hockey anymore. Anyone who knows hockey will know that that is just.. unthinkable.

    I'm sorry for the essay guys. I don't even know why I posted this..

    I wish everyone all the best and really hope you find happiness soon.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF hun My advice would be to get a lawyer now and get visitation rights for you son hun. You fight for that relationship ok don't let her take your son away.
    She left you it was not the other way around so i wonder if she had issues with being unfaithful herself. You get the lawyer and fight for YOUR rights ok take some
    control back hun. Talk to your doctor ok see if you can get a referal to a therapist to help you with your depression Do that for YOU ok. Your son will need his dad and deserves to have you in his life but you need to take care of YOU hun ok Hugs
  3. yep

    yep Well-Known Member

    I have read your letter fully but I am not sure if you are thinking about suicide as a way out of this situation or you are just sad and frustrated so, are you thinking about suicide? If so, you are in the right forum and we are here to support you in this difficult but temporal crisis.
  4. Relentless941

    Relentless941 New Member

    Thanks Eclipse,

    and Yep - I honestly don't know the answer to that. I just feel numb, lost.. I can't think straight and I'm sick of faking a smile. Anyone who knows me would find it ludicrous for me to post anything like I posted.. It's so out of character.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    We all get times that just cut the ground from under us and that's when we need some help.

    I agree with Total Eclipse, first port of call is a lawyer; get your visitation rights sorted.

    Also, what your ex and her family are posting on FB could be classed as libel, for which a person can be sued; perhaps someone should mention this fact to them.

    As to keeping this to yourself, personally, if I was your girlfriend I would be upset that you felt you couldn't share the burden with me; thats what couples are about....or at least should be!

    Get her to flood the market with her CV, who knows that perfect job could be just waiting for her.

    Don't feel you have to be all things to all people, it's an impossible task, and know that here on the forum, we've all had these moments and know just how soul destroying they can be.
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