Starting to worry

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Things, Jul 14, 2010.

  1. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    I haven't been feeling right lately. Today was especially bad. I've been having crying fits all day and I've just felt very unstable lately. There's quite a few things setting me off, but most of them sound so stupid when I talk about them.

    I'm not sure how to describe what I've been feeling, but I'm sure most people here has felt it/are feeling it. It still hurts, but it's a little more tolerable right now. There's an indescribable pain in my chest, my head's always hurting. I feel sick.

    Today I thought about dying. Multiple times. Just a few minutes ago I gave it some thought, actually. I don't want to kill myself, I'm terrified of death and pain. Most of all, I don't want to think about how my family would react. But at that moment, I didn't want to be alive either.

    I'm starting to worry that I might have another...episode, and do something I'll regret. I just don't know what to do about this. I'm stuck.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you reach out call someone crisis line just to talk to get emotions out. call your therapist a friend get some support for you okay don't stay alone with all this pain and hurt get some help okay just until it passes.
  3. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    I don't have a therapist, we've been trying to get one. We just don't have the money...I have no friends in real life either.

    I guess when I get into another episode, I'll try the crisis line...god I hate calling strangers.
  4. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Hey, Things. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling out of sorts lately. I can understand and relate to the above part very well - I have a humungous fear of pain and having things come to an end entirely, but the feeling of not wanting to be around any longer is so strong it tends to win out above the fear.

    I don't really know what to tell you to try and make you feel better or help. Do you have depression or something similar? If so what does your doctor say/does he give you any medication? If not, maybe it's an idea to see one about this. It certainly doesn't sound normal at any rate. Nevertheless, I hope you start to feel better soon and no matter how stupid your triggers may sound, I don't think anyone here would hold it against you.
  5. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    I have depression, it's genetic (my mom has it, my grandma has it, my dad may have it). I'm not sure how to go about seeing a doctor, but I do take my mom's anti-depressants. We've recently ran out, so I'm thinking that had something to do with it.
  6. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Abruptly discontinuing anti-depressants will usually give a depression prone person terrible withdrawal symptoms. Things, can you go to a mental health clinic that can work with your low income level and provide you with an uninterrupted supply of medication. Also, most psychiatrists have a good supply of medication samples from drug companies.

    I've been through abrupt SSRI withdrawal several times- my own ill- conceived choice- and I was a terribly unstable wreck. I hope you get back to normal.
  7. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Woah, I didn't realise depression could be genetic. You learn something new every day! Hmm, well surely there is a doctor you go to when you're ill? You ring them up/go into the practice and ask to make an appointment in regards to depression and hopefully you'll get put on some meds - the same way your mum got put on them. I'm sure it'll be helpful not only for you but also your mum who's meds you share, to have your own supply. Maybe you could pop in the next time your mum goes in for a repeat prescription for hers?
  8. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    We no insurance, I don't think I can get any medical help...I talked about it with my mom, and she says it hasn't been long enough for me to have a withdrawal (she's a nurse). I don't know what's wrong with me then...

    She's going to new doctor in a few weeks, I might be able to get help then. But still, this hurts...
  9. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    Sorry for the double post...I can't find the stupid edit button for some reason.

    I'm not feeling good. I'm trying to call a crisis line but I don't know how to use the phone...fuck I feel so stupid.
  10. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hey buddy,
    You know that I am here for you. Nothing you feel or say is stupid. You matter. Please share what is bringing you down, and see if there is not something we can do about it that is free, and effective? Blessings.. :hug:
  11. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    Thank you...I'm not sure how to start.

    The main that's setting me off is my lack of talent. I just feel so useless. I've been writing and drawing for just about all my life, it's probably what's kept me alive during school. But then I look at other people's works on places like Concept Art, I realize how much I suck at it. Even novices are better than me. Drawings that take me days, they finish in under six hours.

    This wouldn't be so bad if I was improving, and I'm not. I look at my old works, and I think I may actually be getting worse somehow. I've been trying to start a drawing over and over in the past few days, but I can't get anything but scribbles. Then I get frustrated with myself. Once I start thinking about my lack of talent, I start thing about all my other flaws and there's no stopping there. I just don't enjoy anything anymore...

    Ulgh, there's no dignifying way to write that rant. I feel like a brat...

    Even worse, our situation is never getting better. It's been the same for three years. Mom's still sick, medicade still sucks, we still have no insurance, our house is still a mess (that doesn't sound bad, but trust me, it's disgusting. I'd rather not explain it here), and we still can't get a therapist. That's not everything, but it's the main things.

    I don't know what else to say. My mind's a mess...
  12. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hmm... I see. Well we are both physical and spiritual beings. The house is a mess your and your mind is a mess. Ever wonder why a clean room is so enjoyable? Because you have cleaned it out of all the clutter and able to focus on other things. You get a satisfation of a job well done and the confidence to jump on a new project. I know that you are talented, but the clutter is getting in the way. It is time to clean house, focus, and then practise! Spiritually, mentally, and physically. Do you get what I am saying? thionk about it, I am sure your quick and intellegent mind will get it soon enough. Gotta go suns going down. Don't give up! Blessings..
  13. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    We're planning on cleaning the house on monday. We just need some supplies. Maybe I'll be able to think better (If I'm understanding what you're saying). Thank you.