Starting Up Again In Earnest...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by altek001, Nov 18, 2006.

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  1. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    A week ago, after a 2-month stint of keeping clean, I cut myself. (my thread)

    ...And for a day or four, I didn't do it again. But now, for the past two or three, I've had one cutting session a day. As I was getting my impliment I asked myself if I really needed to do this or if I just wanted to...and if that's all it was, to not cut.

    ...Well, to make a long story short, apparently I need to..'cos I did.
    Why..? ...I don't know...really..I..just...did... (Which is awful because...well...I don't think you should cut just because you can...)
    ^Sorry if that offends anyone..^

    Afterwards, inspecting the site of my handiwork, I finally noticed that right under where I'm cutting is a bluish line. A vein. Artery. Whatever it is...that scares me. I can't cut anywhere else because people will see it...but if I (for whatever reason) lose control and go nuts cutting, I could end up blowing my dirty secret and wind up in a hospital room, and Lord-knows-where after that...

    I do my best at trying to do other things rather than cutting...which is mostly working...I'd be cutting more than once a day otherwise..

    But I can't quite seem to beat it properly...

    Oof..I have to leave to get to my job now...yay, fake customer-is-always-right smiles...hey...if you're lying with your smile...and they know it...isn't that some form of honesty..?

    *sigh* I digress...

    Pardon the language...and no pun intended...but

    - Henry
  2. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    i guess i wasn't expecting any replies...

    this was just an 'i'm here..still imperfect...' sort of thing..

    go me.

    - Henry
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    sorry Alte been having a bit of a bad time meself.

    You went all that time without doing it so don't beat yourself up to much for what's basically a back slide.

    Have you ever told anyone about the cutting? Might be a good idea if you did if only for the support.
  4. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    i've told one of my blog-buddies...but probably only them because they don't have much in the way to do anything about, in that way i have some sort of support and accountability...

    but as far as anyone in real life..there's one person that knows i used to..but doesn't know i still do...because they said they wouldn't talk to me anymore if they found out i ever did again...
    ^..which made me stop for a long time because i care for them oodles...but even that last time, it wasn't enough..^

    ..and i don't really want to tell anybody else because of what they'll think of me...i'm..supposed to be a role model for the kids at my youth group...what-..what would they think...
    i know we're not perfect and that we all have our moments of weakness and that...but this trend is getting simply ridiculous.. cat just scratched me trying to get into my lap...i have to go chase it now.

    *hug for you..*
    though parted by an ocean...we're all still in this together.

    - Henry
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Perhaps talking this over with a therapist/counsellor would help. I used to do it but haven't for nigh on 30 years after psychotherapy.
  6. altek001,
    Hiya I understand what your going through to a T. I promised my mother, father, and brother that I would quite. All in all i must have been clean for 5-6 months, but then recently I would feel the urge, and I slipped. Then I would wait it out again put it behind me and tried again. But I'm getting tired of having to stop myself after starting again.

    And this time I'm to ashamed to tell anyone. When I first started I had a friend there who knew and now she dosent seem to see me. Or perhaps its the other way around *shrugs*

    Also I understand about the whole going crazy cutting and destroying the secret you hid in thing. I too happen to be a mentor for younger children and I afraid that if someone finds out that it will all be taken away from me.

    I'm not going to suggest you get professional help because even the idea scares me but I suggest you continue to talk with the people here. That has been my life line for a whiel and it works when there is no one to talk too.

    I wich al the best for you and I'm here if you need it.
  7. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    thanks for your reply..nice to know that someone has the same pressure i'm feeling...

    as for counciling and such...i've been to enough of them [for different reasons, though] to know that i definitely don't want to go back to seeing one...maybe i've just had bad experiences with all the wrong ones...i don't know..but i've never gotten a good vibe from the people or even the buildings that they're in..might be me and some other hidden mental issue...but that's as may be.

    um...i can't think of anything else to say...
    other than thanks again for letting me know there's at least two of us out there...and that i'm wellwishing you, too.

    talk to you later,
    - Henry
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