starved

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by meme333, Aug 6, 2011.

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  1. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    Not sure where to put this and I know people who are suicidal or depressed have various backgrounds and experiences.
    My childhood was horrific and I have nobody now.

    I find myself starved for attention but I'm not an attention seeker.
    Does that make sense?

    It's more of a craving though. I want to be touched, want to be loved ....just starving for it but it will never happen.

    Really makes me so sad. Something so simple and basic feels so far away
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you have been through so much...I also had an horrific childhood and know the scars of something like that...please PM me if I can be there for you...I truly understand...J
     
  3. »broken_smile«

    »broken_smile« Banned Member

  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes ican relate to what you have said hun I know it is not much but i am sending virtual hugs to you now hun in hope it somehow helps hugs:hugtackles::hugtackles::hugtackles:
     
  5. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    Thanks
    I feel really weird. Nice to know others feel the same.
    Man I can only describe it as starving. Even if someone gestures and puts their hand on my should I just melt....that is if I'm not afraid to them. can't always win as I am easily afraid but a nice gesture like that means so much and people have no clue.
    I hate the therapy thing. I have a great therapist. She always says how much she cares but in reality I know I am nothing. No I don't want to go home with her. I hate it if I see her in public. I actually run if I see her. I hide.
    It's a strange relationship and although she is great I wonder if it hurts more than it helps sometimes.
    Anyone else have that feeling?
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    In therapy, we explore our most vunerable issues, so it makes sense that there is that conflict...please stay with her...it sound like you have a good relationship with her which is so wonderful...and be as truthful as you can...she can only treat what she knows...all the best, J
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I have had those feeling too hun wanting so badly to be held but can't allow it won't allow it no I too sort of get tearful at times when someone cares I think you should talk to your therapist let her know how you are truly feeling after each session okay so she can try different approaches to help you heal
    Just want to let you know i too can relate to what you have said. hugs
     
  8. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I worry that if I tell her she will distance herself more with me.
    She always stays professional.
    Says she doesn't touch but sometimes still will hold my hand.
    She checks in on me when she is on holidays.

    I don't want more from her and I don't want her to misunderstand.
    So I don't think telling her will work. She will distance herself.

    I'm just jealous of those whose therapists are not afraid to touch. I don't always want to be touched but there are moments that a touch would be nice. It wouldn't mean I'd want to go home with her or think of her as more than a therapist, it would just be being human you know?

    Strangers hug strangers. Strangers touch strangers in time of need to help feel better but no, never therapists. makes me feel unworthy like a touch would mean I couldn't interpret it probably and therefore crazy etc. I hate it.

    I tell her so much.
     
  9. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi

    I'm glad that you're able to tell your therapist so much, and really trust her.. but I'm sorry to hear that you crave this touch so much. I can relate to an extent although personally I am more likely to overeat than undereat, in a sort of comfort eating way. It helps me to feel 'full' although ultimately makes me feel worse about myself.

    When i was in therapy some years ago (for 2 years) I too craved touch from my therapist but figured it would just never happen because that's not what they do. Until one day she offered me a hug, it was just amazing. Although to be honest our relationship went downhill from there, mainly because then every week I craved another hug, but it was a one off.. she never gave it again and i was so confused. I see now that I wish i had just talked about it with her.. told her how the hug felt (wonderful) and also how it felt to not get hugs in subsequent weeks (very awful).

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes talking about these things can help.. i'm not saying that your therapist would touch you just because you ask for it.. but it's sometimes good to explore what it feels like.. why it's important for you.. whether you had touch in your childhood, etc. Maybe if she knew what it means to you when she touches your hand, she'd do it more? Or if you're anything like me, i feared that if I talked about my therapists hug, she'd never do it again! I don't think your therapist would get worried you'd want to go home with her or anything.. she's had training and hopefully understands that talking about things like this takes real courage, so I'd hope she wouldn't distance herself.. afterall that's the opposite of what you're wanting.

    Anyway sorry this is a bit of a waffle but I read your message and really wanted to reply. Hope you're doing ok

    Jenny x
     
  10. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Jenny

    I worry about her pulling away.
    I am not going to embarrass myself.
    I think I sound pathetic enough.

    on the food thing. I have been eating again...now going into the comfort food thing. I go back and forth
     
  11. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Argh I can relate to eating/not eating cycle.. although I wonder whose voice it is telling you that you're pathetic? I'm thinking she wouldn't think that of you.. i know when people have confided in me I don't think of them as pathetic. Anyway it's your decision what you tell her and either way it's ok.. i just hope you're able to ge the support and help you need to work through this. Take good care of yourself x
     
  12. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Jenny
    I'm a bit stubborn. I like to keep some of my feelings to myself.
    I feel vulnerable enough so not sure I would share it or not.
     
  13. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Sharing it with someone here is not going to rebound back at you.

    Being stubborn is useful sometimes - but if you make a bad decision and stick to it (like not asking for help or confiding) then its stubbornness that is dragging you back.

    Good luck.

    Hope you do share it with someone.

    Regards meme333

    :laugh: :rolleyes:
     
  14. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to clarify that I'm not actually looking for a hug from my therapist. No, that would be awkward because every session is upsetting. It's just that I don't feel I can talk about the touch thing with her.
    I worry she will think I'm looking to her for that and I'm not.
    She is good to keep with boundaries and that's a good thing.

    I would hope during a last/final session I would be able to say goodbye with a hug but probably not with her. I have with others and it was just simple and nice.
    Not sure I'd be comfortable with this one though.

    She is very supportive and I can feel that.

    I worry telling her too much, even though she knows almost everything, will scare her away. I don't know.

    Do anyone else have these thoughts?
     
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