Starving for affection

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by DarnTired, Apr 7, 2008.

  1. DarnTired

    DarnTired Antiquitie's Friend

    I'll be 39 soon. I'm unmarried and have had very few girlfriends in my life. The last three girls I've fallen in love with didn't love me back; they all saw me as a friend. I try to be a nice, charming, witty, generous and understanding person and now I have friends (both men and women) who ignore me unless they need help or want something from me because they know they can count on me to to come through for them.

    Last year I met a beautiful woman who lives down the hall from me. We have the same birthday. Just recently, I went to see her in a play and we started to spend more time together. We really started to click, although we didn't completely have the same interests. I helped her out with a project she was working on for school and then we went out on a dinner date. It was my first date in years. It didn't last very long (90 minutes) but I loved every minute of it. All I could think about was seeing her again.

    Now I rarely see or hear from her, even though she lives down the hall. She works as a waitress and is busy in the evenings and weekends. And when she does have time to spend with friends, it's always other friends. I've tried calling her a few times, but she is either busy with work or has plans with someone else. The last time I saw her was when she needed some help moving some furniture around her apartment and that was a week and a half ago. I decided to not contact her for a while to see if she might take it upon herself to call on me to see how I'm doing. She hasn't.

    Last week I told my therapist that I was starving for affection. It's not even sex. It's just a need to be held by someone warm and loving, to feel cared about and wanted, to know that you're important to somebody, to be kissed from time to time, to be listened to and understood, to command some degree of attention that doesn't involve a punchline.

    Once upon a time I believed that in order to be liked, I needed to do things like tell jokes, play instruments, sing, write stories and just dazzle people. Recently I turned around and discovered that my life is filled with people who see me for what I can do, not what I am. And I habitually encourage it because when I meet new people, I always talk about the stories I've written or that I can play guitar. It gets their interest, but there is no affection.

    As I sit here, I think of the three women whom, one by one, I fell in love with during the course of my life: Jen, Lauren and Diana. I loved Jen for years, deeply, and she couldn't see me. Then I met Lauren and I loved her for even longer. She never saw me. And now it's happening again with Diana. She doesn't see me. None of them do. This is going to kill me.

    Sorry for going on. But I think there must be many out there who are starved for simple, loving affection. People who simply want to be held and it's almost like having to walk through fire. I just had to talk about it for a while.

    I've been away from this forum for a long time, working and trying get my life together. I hope you've all been as good as can be expected.
  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I know exactly how you feel hun. The need to be hugged, held, and just loved for me far outweighs the sexual desire or needs. I miss just lying next to someone and hugging them or just holding hands. It's the simple things that matter the most the rest just falls into place in time.

    I'm sorry things are not working out with this woman. It seems now that she's just using you when she needs things done. I hope that isn't the case and she just is busy but you can never tell. You deserve to be loved and to be the center of someone's world just as much as the next person. I'm sorry that this person doesn't "see" you. You are doing the right thing in not calling too much because then she might begin to think you are lying it on too thick and possibly harrassing her.

    I hope that things look up for you love. I hope that you find someone who will rock your world in all the right ways. :hug: I'm a believer that there's someone out there for everyone it's just all in the timing. Best of luck hun

  3. DarnTired

    DarnTired Antiquitie's Friend

    Thanks, that was nice of you to say. I'm glad you understand.
  4. PattyCO

    PattyCO New Member

    I am not sure if I am convinced that dating/love is even possible. You know, I have been divorced for over 20 years!! No real dating...working hard at being single mom. I look around at the relationships I see and I think - phew. Do I want that? Why can't I be happy with myself since it appears there is NOBODY that wants me?
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Darn :sad: :hug:

    See pm :smile:

    ps: I think you is smashing :biggrin:
  6. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I think I know at least part of your problem: you're in southern California, the center of the world for people that are more plastic than human...

    Different people require different amounts of affection it seems. I cannot entirely empathize with you because I don't feel a burning need hold and likewise be held and shown affection, but I have no doubt that it is an incredible feeling and I think you deserve it as much as anyone else.
  7. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    I know what you mean.

    But for me, I'm terrified of affection and want it at the same time.

    I could just spend all day hugging and kissing someone with no sex (I think) and never getting tired of that.

    When it comes to receiving affection, I'm not used to it. My gf literally has to roll me off the bed on to the floor when she's had enough of me :sad:

    Perhaps forget all that stuff you can do, to impress someone and just be yourself, which I'm sure some women might like? In a relationship all the things you do means very little, I suppose it melts into who you 'are' but naturally. You seem to have a division between what you can 'do' and who you 'are' like they are two very separate things, which is interesting. I've always seen myself as quite whole in that way. Maybe because I don't 'do' very much these days.

    I'm going on a bit, but I do feel similar to you. I told my therapist the same thing about kissing, all that is so important to me.
  8. klodo

    klodo Well-Known Member

    This is very true. I am 40 and have never had a relationship although there is a woman I have become good friends with.I don't even really want sex any more. I have gotten used to relieving myself alone to such an extent that I would probably be too nervous or awkward in real life. I just want to share time with someone,to laugh,joke and watch TV with, To shop with and go for walks.That kind of thing.There's just too many sad and lonely people around.Lonely people are almost always depressed.You would not believe there were six billion of us. :(
  9. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Anytime hun. Kinda glad someone sees it from where I am as well. Take care and go read terry's email :biggrin:
  10. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    Straight up: If a woman is "busy" more than once, when you call her... and the only time she DOES bother to talk to you is when she needs you to do something for her (i.e. move furniture), she is playing you like a harp from hell.

    Unfortunetly, a lot of women aren't very good at telling a guy when they have no interest in him. Sometimes, they are vaugue on purpose, because they know that as long as a guy has a glimmer of hope that he's gonna get lucky... he'll keep doing favors for them.
  11. brainstorm

    brainstorm Well-Known Member

    Me to a tee.

    Yegads, it's already like I have thorns in my skin pointing inside; it HURTS when someone touches me.

    I am unable to feel desire without feeling frustration. In fact, I can only feel desire for a split second before the frustration becames overwhelming.

    If I could, I would hug you. Then maybe we could comfort each other and cry.
  12. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    Words of gold. I am not an misogynist but there are plenty of females out there that will string guys along into doing many things for them until they find someone else...and they are experts at the right strings to pull. If she likes you she'd never be 'busy.'
  13. Lady of Shalott

    Lady of Shalott Active Member

    DarnTired, almost all of what you wrote applies to me too. I'm 40 years old and, like you, I've even only loved 3 men (ok, not entirely like you, they weren't women), but none of them ever became full-blown relationships, because the first two didn't want to, didn't love me, and the last still too shocking, fresh and emotionally overwhelming for me to be able to articulate about yet. I have been starved for affection for years and years, but I can never have it, because I am never emotionally safe with a man. I can only dream about lying in his arms...and with a few brief exceptions, that's where it has always stopped. I have had to make due with a teddy bear and a blanket my whole adult life, but at this point...I can't imagine trusting anyone that much or how I could get that close to anyone again.
  14. DarnTired

    DarnTired Antiquitie's Friend

    Hey Lady, nice to meet you.

    I'm sorry that you and others have to go through this sort of thing. I hope you find that one real love.

    Good username, by the way.
  15. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Know what, I think sod the one true love..had that and it still went pear about a best friend :smile:
  16. Lady of Shalott

    Lady of Shalott Active Member

    A best friend would be excellent. I have thought the same thing and my one true love went to hell too.
    I am so bad at making friends, though, so it didn't seem very likely for me, especially since not many girls my age are not married or are not going to get married and have kids.

    DarnTired: Thanks.
  17. DarnTired

    DarnTired Antiquitie's Friend

    i need love
  18. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    humungus :hug: wings itself across the pond.
    And if you aint careful I'll knit you an adipose baby :tongue::laugh:
  19. beauutyy

    beauutyy Well-Known Member

    blahhh,i feel your pain.
    for,you're deff.not alone.
  20. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    gah, I feel down from being alone too....sigh. Theres a few girls that a showing interest but it probably won't work out. :mad: