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Stay at home mum needs support

JaneN

New Member
#1
I’m new to this group. I just need to reach out because I’m on a downwards spiral and I can’t live like this anymore. I’ve been feeling low for a while, probably a few years but it has become much worse recently. I’m a stay at home mum to 5 young children, with the youngest 2 years old. My marriage is not functional and loveless and, even though I love my children and know that I would never want to leave them, I feel that I have nothing to live for. I have no joy in everyday life and I just exist. I used to have a professional job but stopped 12 years ago to look after our children, under pressure from my husband. I don’t feel like myself at all anymore and am a shell of who I used to be. I feel taken for granted and not free to make my own decisions and, ultimately, totally worthless. I used to have confidence in my own abilities but now I have no self confidence. I want to go back to work but feel trapped and incapable and have no support to help get myself out of this. As a result I am moody and snappy all the time and am not the person I want to be or the mum that the children deserve.
This was bearable and I just carried on until we moved house, just a month ago. I now have no friends and no one to talk to except my husband, and we do not get along. Lockdown restrictions make it really difficult to meet people and make connections.
I don’t want to die but really don’t want to be alive. If anyone has similar experiences and can give me some advice please reach out.
 

Marga

Well-Known Member
#2
Hello JaneN, I am really sorry you are feeling like this. Your situation is difficult and COVID doesn't help, does it. Taking care of 5 children is really a lot of work and I can imagine it can easily make you forget your needs and your self, especially if your husband is not supportive. Such isolation is awful. In such circumstances moving home is an unpleasant change. Hopefully things will get better after some time, when COVID situationis milder and you will be able to meet some new people where you live and find new friends. In the meantime, can you maybe call your friends from your previous place on phone to talk with them? And maybe you can find some friends online. On this forum you will definitely find nice peole who will listen to you.*brohug
 
#3
Hi @JaneN sorry you are feeling this way. I have three children so I can’t imagine what it must be like to have 5. But I have said for a long time that I lost myself. Everything becomes about them and everything you do is for them. There simply isn’t time for yourself. People can tell you to do things for yourself but in reality it rarely happens. I stayed home as a stay at home mum for 5 years. After that I couldn’t take it any more. I had to get a job to get out and away from the mother and baby classes. I know it’s difficult and you don’t want to put your children with a child minder but have you considered trying to find a part time job? Something that works around the school day? Not always easy but perhaps worth looking. It will help to get you away and doing something as an adult instead and you’ll meet other people as well. Perhaps jobs aren’t easy to come by at the moment but it’s worth a thought.
This aside I hope you find some solace amongst our community. We are here to listen and support you. There are so many lovely people here. Keep sharing and talking to us. *hugXx
 
#4
Hi @JaneN. Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot at the moment. This forum is a great place where you can find advice and support. We're glad to have you here, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Stay safe. Sending hugs *brohug.
 
#5
Hello Jane,
my heart is going out to you, this seems to be a very though situation.
Do you have the chance to get any time to yourself? I imagine with 5 kids that's very difficult, maybe there are grandparents or other family members around to babysit them for an hour or two? (Depends on how far away you moved, of course)... I feel like this could be a (very tiny, but still) start...

*hug
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
Hi @JaneN

A warm welcome to the forum, I'm glad you are here talking to us, that's a good sign and this may be the beginning of your recovery.

It must be so difficult trying to look after 5 young children with lockdown restrictions and whatnot whilst feeling the way you do.

I would suggest going to your doctor and tell them how you are feeling and how much pressure you are under, they may refer you to a psych or therapy, hopefully both as you can benefit from all the help you can get. I really feel for you.

Of course you want to live and see your children grow into adults and support them and be there for them. I hope you make the decision to talk to your doctor as that is usually the starting point in getting well again. Keep talking to us here ok? You are never alone here *hug
 

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#7
It does reach a point, how long that takes to get to that point though is another question!
In the end you are left with 2 choices, one of these choices is either give up completely, or the other is to bring back part of your old self and start fighting for what and who you are!
This will be the person you were when you had that professional job you mentioned, that was the point you had focus, aim and self worth. This doesn't mean you've got to turn all aggressive though, just bring back that old assertive self instead of just giving up and taking whatever you're being told to take.

Doing the same thing every day hoping the situation is going to change magically is just not going to happen. To change situations we have to start with changing ourselves. Try and take 1 hour of each day and make yourself some 'me time'
Read a book. have a bath and relax doing something you like. Try and walk every day either by yourself or with the children. Get involved in the garden, redesign it or paint the house.
Bring back you old decision making self, then things will start to change!
 
#8
I can sympathize. I don't have children (OK, 2 furry ones that I am allergic to and She is their Human), but my marriage is pretty much only a marriage in legal-ese anymore. The only reason we are still married is because of possessions and property to store/use them. Most of my friends evaporated after we got married, so my whole social circle is hers (for 20 years). Sure, I am friends with all of them after 20 years, but it is still a case of "I am friends with her friends".

I guess I don't really have anything to say other than "I hear you". Lockdown hasn't affected me/us much. Never had much of a social life, and both of us are considered "essential workers", so we have had steady work. Hasn't helped in keeping us from circling each other like caged animals, though.

Maybe explore using your professional skills in a different direction...advisor, consultant (same thing, I guess), mentor...

I wish I could be more help.
 

JDot

J to the Dizzle O to the Tizzle
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#10
Hey @JaneN I'm glad you found SF. The good thing about SF is that it is not impacted by lockdown restrictions since it is online. It gives you a chance to connect to people all over the world who understand what you are going through. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here. I hope you have a chance to go back to work.
 

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