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Stepping back from the edge . . .

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aleth, Apr 29, 2008.

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  1. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    I find myself pulling back from my suicidal focus. Perhaps because my self imposed deadline "to do it" is looming so close.

    But it is so hard to turn to anyone and admit to them I'm feeling suicidal and in need of help. I guess its because I feel like a bit of a basket case, and am ashamed to let anyone else see. So I don't know how to make myself do it. Unfortunately when I become extremely depressed I just bottle everything up and don't want to talk about it. So I would never do something like phone a suicidal hotline or anything like that.

    My closest family live on the other side of the world, so its hard to turn to them, since they are not even around and doing that would only make them worry and feel helpless. I have a half-sister here in Holland, and my "long-lost" father lives here as well. I know she would want to help, but again I don't want to burden her.

    And in the back of my head there is also the thought that if I decide to die, its better not to have let anyone else know because if they did not know they would not feel that there was more they could have done.

    Well, these are the confused arguments running around in my head. I'm not very lucid today.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    there is no shame in feeling suicidal, it's just like a broken leg (just it's your heart and your head that is in pain), any good doctor would know this and would be happy to get you some help.

    when is this deadline that you have set for yourself?
  3. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    This site has a lot of good people that we can connect to. It may not help as much but just a place to pour the pains in words & be listened to is comforting & to others too.
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2008
  4. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    The end of May, before my next birthday. I made the deadline last october when I was desperately suicidal, it calmed me in a way, since after deciding a date then I didn't have to think about my problems anymore. And I could just go through the ritual of slowly tying up all the loose ends of life.

    But now that the day is getting closer, my calm is collapsing, and I'm feeling desperate and emotional again.
    I first posted something on this forum a few weeks ago, but before that had never mentioned anywhere to anyone what I was feeling. I was just focused on death, soothed by the idea, and not even thinking about looking for a way out.
    Doing something like going to see a doctor feels like a big step. Its hard to convince myself. Its hard to step back from the path, half of me says its the right decision and involving other people will ruin the plan.
    Then at the same time I'm full of fear, and guilt. I know if I ask for help, I will feel obliged to not commit suicide, even if I have second thoughts afterwards.
  5. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Yes, I think that might help. At least that is what I'm looking for, some clarity, some advice.

    My half-sister here in Holland has just had a baby, which makes me very reluctant to burden her with my problems. She has enough on her plate at the moment. Although, normally, I might have turned her.

    And dealing with my father is extremely stressful at the best of times. Although he is a psychologist/social worker, so I guess he would help in an awkward sort of way. But I probably have to much hostility towards him to let him help.

    My closest family back in NZ are just too far away. Telling them anything would only make them worry.
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