I find myself pulling back from my suicidal focus. Perhaps because my self imposed deadline "to do it" is looming so close. But it is so hard to turn to anyone and admit to them I'm feeling suicidal and in need of help. I guess its because I feel like a bit of a basket case, and am ashamed to let anyone else see. So I don't know how to make myself do it. Unfortunately when I become extremely depressed I just bottle everything up and don't want to talk about it. So I would never do something like phone a suicidal hotline or anything like that. My closest family live on the other side of the world, so its hard to turn to them, since they are not even around and doing that would only make them worry and feel helpless. I have a half-sister here in Holland, and my "long-lost" father lives here as well. I know she would want to help, but again I don't want to burden her. And in the back of my head there is also the thought that if I decide to die, its better not to have let anyone else know because if they did not know they would not feel that there was more they could have done. Well, these are the confused arguments running around in my head. I'm not very lucid today.