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Still Alive And Still Dead Inside

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sk123, Sep 22, 2010.

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  1. sk123

    sk123 Member

    I was a user of these forums long ago, and guess what, I am still alive. So today I was feeling very depressed and looked around for something to read, and maybe someone to vent to.

    I found these forums again.

    I honestly do not know what to do with my life. I can't stand living like this. I have the will power to keep living, but there is nothing to live for! I feel like I am torturing myself.

    Soon another year will go by, another year older and in the same situation. Single with a dead end job and no way out of the rut. I am too depressed to even form relationships. I can't put on a fake happy face anymore.

    Can't find a better job... and a host of other problems I won't mention. No family, no friends, no significant other. Bleh.

    If I had a ,mod edit-gentlelady-methods>I would kill myself. Thought about <mod edit-gentlelady-methods>, thought about a couple ,mod edit-gentlelady-methods> in the bathroom... thought of lots of things.

    Never attempted, but I would do it right the first time if I were to do it.

    25 year old guy.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sorry to see you back in this condition but glad you thought to come here again. It is so difficult when things seem so dark, but know there are ppl here who truly care and I hope you use the support and caring that will be offered to you...big hugs, J
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you once again find yourself with the thoughts that you have nothing to live for. I am glad you found the forum again and that you do have the will to live. You never know what lies ahead in the future, so although it may seem there is nothing right now, maybe tomorrow will bring different things. Or it may not be until next week. Just keep moving forward one step at a time. One day at a time. Make a list and add to it on a daily basis of things you have to be thankful for. They don't have to be big things. It may be a hot shower in the morning, or a tall glass of milk. Maybe a favorite smell or the smile of a child. As your list grows, maybe things will not seem quite as hopeless.
  4. sk123

    sk123 Member

    Same story as always. There is no real solution to the problem of severe depression.

    I guess it depends on your view of life after death. Your belief may influence your decision to keep living or kill yourself.

    When I was little, I believed in God. I never faced death when I was younger. Now that my grandparents have passed, I feel more and more alone.

    Their death has influenced my belief in God now. I can't imagine there being any life after death. Why should I suffer through the rest of my life if I believe there is nothing after? I have asked for help from "above" and never received it.

    I never chose this life. I can chose how to live the rest of it though.

    If someone could give me a reason to keep on living I would appreciate it. Family and friends is not an option.
  5. sk123

    sk123 Member

    This has been my main motivation for many years since I first became depressed (when I was around 15). I used to tell myself things will be better after high school, no more bullying and the whole world is yours to explore.

    At 19 I told myself things will be better when you go to school and get a job. I never did find a job related to my education. I clean toilets now.

    At 20 I told myself things will be better if you could just form a relationship with a nice girl. I never found one. Every year I would challenge myself to find someone.

    5 years later........

    Still nothing. I feel like a failure having accomplished literally nothing in my life so far. I do challenge myself, but its not my fault I can't reach my goals. At work I try to better myself. I keep getting overlooked for any sort of promotion / better job even though I am qualified.

    It is like people can see my aura and it is black / evil. People want nothing to do with me. I try though! I try....

    My main motivation remains to find someone that I can love and will love me back, and to maybe one day have children. If I could overcome the depression maybe this could happen... It is a vicious cycle.

    I have had a terrible streak of bad luck, and it influences my attitude towards the future. I have had terrible luck with women, it influences my attitude towards women. I think you get my drift.

    I find it near impossible to walk out my front door most days.
  6. sk123

    sk123 Member

    Guess nobody reads these things. Now I remember why I left these forums the first time.
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