Still alive... *Warning - very graphic*

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Maaf, Nov 11, 2007.

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  1. Maaf

    Maaf Member

    This is my first post at this forum. an i'm glad i found it! Finally people who feel more or less the same as me. i hope.

    This is a quiet detailed text. Do not read if you do not feel you want to!

    So one night it was time for my parasuicidal games again. This time i wasn't < Mod Edit Hazel > I was gonna cut myself. Last time i did that had been over 4 weeks. < Mod Edit Hazel > I had read alot of medical shit and I know how the body works. So i took a razor, got undressed and stepped into the shower downstairs (basement). My parents were sleeping two floors above.

    First of all know that this wasn't a suicide attempt. Though I knew that if i did die, that would just be a bonus. So I started cutting. It took quite along time and i held up several times. Not one slash but effectice cuts inte the same wound deeper and deeper. I was totally sober and awake. No painkillers or anything like that. U need to do shit like this with a clear head.

    < Mod Edit Hazel Too graphic >
    I remeber my only thought being wow! Kinda cool and scary at the same time. But i tried to open it up a little more and i did. Then it was enough. I started to feel really sick almost like I wanted to throw up. Guess that's what happens if u have a clear head no matter how "tough u are". I sat there for a long time and there was blood EVERYWHERE. the smell was awful.

    Then I got dizzy. I knew I was about to faint so I stretched my hand for the first aid kit to try and stop the bleeding but I passed out. I woke up with a headache and feeling very sick. I was lying on my stomach and as i lifted my head, got up on my knees and reached for the kit but felt dizzy and i was fainting again. I thought that this is it! I was still bleeding and i'm going to die! But I don't want to die! Ill never see my parents ( whom i hate!) my siblings, my friends nor my girlfriend ever again! Whatever i thought. I would have wanted to live but it is what it is. God what a mess my father will find me in! and the last thing i thot before i "died" was my funeral. My funeral was perfect!

    Second time I woke up i didn't dare to move! I looked at my cut. It had stopped bleeding massively. I couldn't feel my arms nor my legs. Felt really wierd. I knew emediately what had happened. My body had gathered the blood to my central part of the body and concentrated on the important organs. So i might not die i thought. I was able to put enought pressure on the wound. I could hardly move tho cause if i did i fainted.

    It took me almost 20 minutes to crawl 15 meters to the telephone as i was constantly passing out. I lifted the phone and called my girlfriend. I told her what had happened and asked her to come over. I begged her not to tell my parents. She emediately called my father. And I was off to the hospital to recover from my massive bloodloss.

    And that's my story. Hope I didn't bore you all too much. Tried to keep it short... suceeded? :p Please comment whatever ur thinking. Ask questions too. ( I feel sick while writing this! I want to throw up!)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2007
  2. neutral

    neutral Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum.

    Somehow I can relate to your post. I've thought about suicide for a long time and never acted on the thoughts. A few months ago I was tempted to make a small cut just to see how fast bleeding would occur and how easy it would be to stop. (As research.)

    How are you now?
     
  3. Maaf

    Maaf Member

    Thanks :smile:

    Yes like a research. You want to know how it works and how you should do it if one day you will decide that u want to do it for real. Like an emergency exit, a plan b. Also the pain makes you feel better (for the moment).

    I'm fine and have fully recovered except for the ugly scar.
     
  4. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Lucky you were caught in time. Why did you do it? I mean, if it wasn't a suicide attempt, was it a cry for attention or ...? Sorry if my question is blunt and I don't mean it in an offensive way, I just hope that by you talking about what lead you to this it'll help you and you won't feel the need to do it again. :hug:
     
  5. I did this once but mine started off as cutting as a kind of punishment to maself but as i thort bout it more i cut harder n harder till i was breaking skin n then i just went for it... unluckily the knife wasnt sharp enuf n i only got lyk an inch deep. did ur parents ever find out? do ur parents love u?
     
  6. Maaf

    Maaf Member

    "Resistance" - no it's a good question. Well it wasn't for attention because i never intended anyone to find out... but for knowledge and to ease the pain. u do more and more dangerous ways to hurt urself. i guess i'll end up dead one day if i don't stop even if i don't mean to kill myself. :unsure:
    But it's hard to resist. U really feel a desire to do these things. Nothing else in the world gave me a kick as this. and i love doing lots of other things to. I love passing out. I love getting hurt. Maybe it has to do with kicks. Makes me forget my depression for a while. makes me smile.
    But i also think about suicide every morning when i wake, during the day and every night before i sleep. I hate going to bed. thats often when i decide "fuck sleeping" and i go and hurt myself. i have a hard time falling asleep with all the sad thoughts in my head. :sad:

    "sick of happy faces" - My parents found out. they took me to the hospital. but they have known about my condition and my depression since it started a little over a year ago. (not me hurting myself tho). and yes they love me but i DO NOT love them! sounds terrible but i'm honest.
    <Mod Edit: Inappropriate>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2007
  7. Do your parents try help u and ur condition or do they kinda back off and try not to talk bout it to u? thort you said you rang your Girlfriend? what did she say? what did you realise while you were in hospital?
     
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