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Still Alive

MyCatWillMissMe

Well-Known Member
#1
I haven't been here for a while - not because of a ban this time either. My situation still sucks but slightly less than before. If anyone here really needs to talk to somebody, I will always respond if I see a message.
 

MyCatWillMissMe

Well-Known Member
#5
I think I'm approaching the end. I'm not like super upset or depressed, I just feel like my journey is over and I've done everything I wanted to do.

I've just been a ghost for the last 7 years, going on autopilot through life. Why is it viewed as unreasonable to just call it quits when you run out of gas?
 
#6
Why is it viewed as unreasonable to just call it quits when you run out of gas?
Usually there's a way to make things better so that you feel glad to be alive. It's understandable that you'd feel suicidal when you feel so bad, but there's probably a way to turn things around
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#7
I think I'm approaching the end. I'm not like super upset or depressed, I just feel like my journey is over and I've done everything I wanted to do.

I've just been a ghost for the last 7 years, going on autopilot through life. Why is it viewed as unreasonable to just call it quits when you run out of gas?
Is there anything you want to see in the future, any fun plans you want to do, travel somewhere? Finding something to look forward to can make a huge difference in how you feel. I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but I would hate to see any harm come your way.

Think, just think, what would you like to do in the future that you never thought was possible instead of living on auto pilot, make those dreams come through. I hate to see you suffering *hug
 

MyCatWillMissMe

Well-Known Member
#8
I'm a retired pro gamer, I've already been everywhere. I have health and money and independence. I think this is what happens to famous people like Robin Williams. I've already been to the top of the mountain, and it's not as great as people think.
 
#9
I'm a retired pro gamer, I've already been everywhere. I have health and money and independence.
Usually people aren't suicidal unless there is some kind of problem in their lives. Maybe you're depressed but don't realize it?
I think his suicide is largely attributed to his struggle with Lewy Body Disease, though I think he was also an alcoholic, and a lot of comedians seem to suffer from depression.
 

MyCatWillMissMe

Well-Known Member
#10
Yeah well a lot of famous people kill themselves and then people say "how could someone who had EVERYTHING just piss on it and fuck off?" To me, that's not fair because you are trying to rationalize the demons in their head. Sure I am depressed but I'm not like crying myself to sleep here. I'm more of a bored and alone type of depressed.
 
#11
Yeah well a lot of famous people kill themselves and then people say "how could someone who had EVERYTHING just piss on it and fuck off?"
I agree that people tend to be shocked when someone who is famous or who "has it all" kills themselves. A big part of that is because people think that wealth and fame would solve all their own problems, or that these things are the source of all happiness.
I'm more of a bored and alone type of depressed.
Do you feel like isolation and not having an interest that engages you is the root of your depression?
 

MyCatWillMissMe

Well-Known Member
#12
The root is likely some kind of deep hatred of humanity due to a very bad childhood. I have almost zero empathy or compassion, I hate kids, especially boys because I see myself and want to just punch them in the face.
 
#15
Not much to say just had drunk mean parents. A lot of emotional abuse.
Sorry that this happened. I don't think it would be possible to come through that without having a lot of anger and hatred.

I don't think therapy would necessarily fix all of your problems, but in principle, it could help a lot if you find the right therapist.

I think there are also support/recovery groups for the adult children of alcoholics (I think one is called al-anon). You would probably find some things in common in other people who've gone through similar experiences.

Other treatments might help. The links in my signature have some information about treatment methods. I'll copy the links here in case you're on a phone.

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia and General Help
Acupressure Self-Massage for Depression, Insomnia, and Anxiety

One advantage that you have over many other people is that you've got both the money and the time to get treatments. You also have demonstrated the ability to master something that you've set your mind to (gaming). That means the same determination and hard work could be applied to treatment methods.

A practice like yoga, tai chi, or qi gong, and also meditation might be something you'd like to take up. I think you've got it in you to become a high level practitioner if that's what you decide to do.
 

MyCatWillMissMe

Well-Known Member
#17
My mind is always going a million miles an hour which makes things like meditation impossible.

The problem with mastering things is I dont enjoy anything except video games and drumming. And I do these things alone because I dont like people.
 

WildCherry

Owner Emeritus
#19
Interesting that you mentioned meditation isn't an option, because I've come to the same conclusion. Everyone I know talks about how beneficial it is and how well it works for them. Which is awesome, I'm glad it's helped so many. But I've tried, multiple times with multiple apps or soundtracks. And for some reason, it just doesn't relax my mind. I have no trouble focusing generally, but when I specifically try to focus on relaxing, the opposite happens.
 
#20
Everyone I know talks about how beneficial it is and how well it works for them. Which is awesome, I'm glad it's helped so many. But I've tried, multiple times with multiple apps or soundtracks. And for some reason, it just doesn't relax my mind. I have no trouble focusing generally, but when I specifically try to focus on relaxing, the opposite happens
I think it may be a matter of finding the right practice for you. I've never tried apps or soundtracks, but I've also struggled with meditation.

I've been doing a daily meditation pretty consistently since January, and I've found it easier to do than other practices.

From this post on down in the thread, there's some discussion about meditation that might be worth checking out.
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/i-dont-care-about-myself.164944/#post-2053818

I can also write some more about the subject later
 

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