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Still alive -

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Jul 22, 2008.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Well didn't work out again how I thought it would. I took some pills that caused me to get really hot. Decided to go out for a walk and can't remember much else. I have a vauge memory of a paramedic going through my pockets and the next thing I know I am in the Resus area of A+E being sick all over place and hooked up to loads of machines. I knew the pills affected your heart so I was sort of hoping it would just give up the ghost on me. Along with the other pills just hoped that it would work. The gave me some drugs and an antidote and 24hours later I was home. Had a 2 min chat with Social Worker, he said can you remember what happened so I told him, he said I will see you again on Wednesday so don't do anything! He tried to get me to promise - I said that I would promise that I would try. Well back at home now. Still want to die, I have no energy tonight. It is amazing how much energy it takes out of you. I have not moved from sofa all day. Ordered pizza as couldnt go out. Pizza came and could only eat 1 tiny slice. I have not eaten since Sunday lunch time though.

    On the funny side -I look like an alien!!! My pupils are so dilated and my eyes are massive. It's quite funny the way I look!
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    that sounds like such a difficult couple of days. I am so sorry you are feeling so low.
    I am very glad you are still here.

  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm also very glad you are still here. be as honest as you can with the SW, since you seem to trust him. tell him about how you hate the labels, and how you feel you are being fobbed off on a support group that isn't a good match. tell him you are still v. suicidal. please? here is someone who seems to genuinely want to help. let him explore some options with you.
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I'll do what I can. I will try and tell him what I can. I have got to go to work tomorrow - I am dreading it. Only there 5 hours though. I have the appointment after work. I am thinking I will write down what I need to say. May make things easier. May just say before I go in office...please take this read it and come back to me when you have read it. I don't know. I don't have the energy to do anything anymore.

    I don't understand why I feel like I do. I don't want to go on living how I am. It has been over 2 years now (well 2 years since I admitted there was a problem) and I am getting worse if anything!
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Maybe before a full-blown event, you can call someone, go into chat, do something to give yourself the recognition that there are many ppl who care about you...you can put me on the list if you would like...in this way, you make a safe circle for yourself...big hugs, J
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you can add me to that circle, too. i care about you and would be happy to try and help you through these difficult times.
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Well I have written down how I am feeling and I am going to ask him to have a look at it. I am just going to say I find it hard to talk about things so have written down. I have written a few things down but it is hard to get them across. I didn't wanna write much as I am gonna be there while he reads it.

    I am dreading work tomorrow - I look like some smack addict junkie...my pupils are still really dilated and as of where I have had about 60 (well feels like it) needles shoved in me over the past week I am covered in bruises and what looks like track marks where there has been various blood tests and drips.

    I still feel like ending it all. I don't want to pin my hopes on tomorrow as there will be no miracle cure and dont know what else can be done. I have been told numerous times that is only short term through the hospital. So prob going to be passed off somewhere else!
  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I really dont wanna go to work. I have called said I am going to be late as have a nose bleed but as soon as that goes I have to go. I can't let them down. It feels weird to be at work knowing that i was in hospital the other day. I have the appointment this afternoon but now I don't want to go to thaht. I still feel really ill from Sunday. I feel sick and shakey and not been able to eat as bring it back up. People at work are obvisouly wondering where all the bruises come from and I have just said blood tests and I have said I have to leave at 2 today as of appointment which I have just said is a hospital appointment but left it at that. I dont want them thinking I am seriously ill or anything. But I don't want to go in to details about anything.

    Well about stopped bleeding now so I suppose I better stick my uniform on and get going, I am missing all the training - but being as though I dont usually work Wednesdays I usually miss it anyway!

    I really don't want to go. I want to snuggle under duvet and dont want to leave the house today at all.
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