I'm not sure why I've decided to write in here. I don't expect much, probably gonna receive one "feel good" message, which is pretty much essential for those that want others to feel better, or none, which is more predictable. I tried to accept some external messages of spontaneous encouragement, yet all I've gathered was bunch of cliches and repeatable sentences. I could only trust one friend, when it came to "letting it all out". These moments were rare, yet very intense and I often felt that short sense of tranquility afterwards. Now we've obviously seperated to take different routes in our lives and stopped talking about these issues. We've already said everything that needs to be said, overcomplicated some of it and pretended that we can change some of our issues. And now I sit here, another night in a row during which I feel nothing at all. Maybe some fear and anguish. I try to carry on during the day and follow my route of life, yet I feel that after being severly depressed for nearly 10 years is too much of a burden. I simply lost any ability to be happy, self-pity won't let me take important steps, anxiety locks me in. I wrote a lot about all of this, and I feel that I just keep repeating myself. Of course, I feel like crap, but I'm used to it and I learned to welcome it with open arms. I cover myself with a blanket of solitude, and my only defense is to romanticise it to the point, where I am all out of words. I know that I won't be able to make any important statements, I can only write how terrible I feel and how muchly I wish for it to end. In 13 days there will be a first anniversary of my first almost successful suicide attempt. Only after managing to gather myself enough to call "that one friend" at 3:30 AM in local park made me stop. I won that day, I guess, and now I just try not to snap. Yet suicidal thoughts keep coming back, and recently they started to take out the big guns. I fight and try to carry on, I get better at pretending that everything is great, and yes...I tried professional help...once, yet I realized that it's not for me and I managed to convince ones I love that everything is just fine. So why did I write this, even though I don't expect much? I'm not sure, just a desperate call from within my inner self is being annoying. I don't know if I ever will write anything else in here. It is highly unlikely, but it might happen, who knows? I will just carry on, listen to some music and try to overcome my demons, or more realistically: delay the inevitable. It's 2:00 AM in my country, thus I guess it's about time to at least try to fall asleep. Cheers.