Still feel the same

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by boopy, May 1, 2008.

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  1. boopy

    boopy Member

    After I done it the other day I think that people thought that I would just bounce back - again!!! But I feel worse than I did on Tuesday (when I done it). When the CPNs were talking to me I made some of it up - about how I felt as I just dont have the words or the ability to describe how I feel at the moment I am void of emotion. The CPNs put me in touch with a Crisis Team which basically is CPNs who at the moment are coming out every day to see me and monitor my mood. They've made me promise that if I feel like taking tablets or anything then I have to phone regardless of the time but thats not me I dont know how to approach people for help. I keep taking the tablets - cocodamol - Tuesday was with the intent to end my life but the police came and I cant promise that I am not going to do the same again. I just dont want to be here. I was abused sexually as a child and then as a teenager I went out with a guy for 4 years who raped and allowed his friends to rape me so I am wondering if that has something to do with how I am - although I dont feel anything either way for any of it. I wish I could feel angry and cry like you should do but I cant. I think that i might be turning into a psychopath - you know - void of emotion. Even where my children are concerned I cant communicate with them - even the simplist sentence is such an effort. I just dont have the ability that I had a few months ago to put on a face and get on with it - I dont have the energy. Thank you for reading and letting me rant.
    Thinking of you all xx
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sorry I cant make things any better for you but I do want to tell you that you aren't alone. I'm glad that you are able to share your pain here and that you have found SF. Keep sharing and read some of the other posts. Both will help you find a little hope and help. Please be safe.
  3. Yes, being raped has messed you up for life. That's what rape does, that's it's number one priority. Not only will it happen once, but you get to relive it forever through flash backs.

    You can't be void of emotion if you feel fear or anxiety.

    Rape victims tend to become withdrawn. They also tend to not like themselves for being weak. They think they are weak because of how violated they were. A lot of my female friends were victims of the rape, and they have learned to live kick a** lives. that is till they get into a relationship. There are counselors out there that can help you understand your feelings. Any sort of drugs = fail. Drugs mess up your chemical balance and mental state, and then you'll have to take new drugs to get you back to how your were.
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