Still Feel The Same

The week away didn't hep things. I am not sure if they have been made worse but I still feel the same about things. I am regretful that the last attempt didn't work, and I am planning on attempting again. I am not going to say how or when but it will be happening again and it will be soon.

I have written in length on my blog about how I am feeling right now so I am not going to write it out all over again.

I don't suppose it helps at the moment that I feel ill also. I feel pissed off and exhausted. But, even before I was ill I knew I would be trying again.

I just hope it works this time.

 

Feeling ill always makes everything worse. There's a line from Plato, where Socrates is asking what happiness is and says something along the lines of 'we know those who are most miserable are those who are ill, so they don't know what happiness is, because all they want is not to be ill. They will give up everything they value, if only they can be well, so obviously we must not accept this opinion'.

I think Socrates was wrong here ( ), I think he got it backwards. I'm not a big fan of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs (I think it's a huge oversimplification and in some ways just plain wrong, and unscientific), however, I think he's right that without health, you can't move onto the aspects of life.

My point is this: don't make such a big decision when you're not feeling well. Illness throws everything out of perspective. Wait until you feel well to think about it further.

 

It's only a cold which has gone to my chest. I feel miserable about it but doesn't alter my mental state.

I made the decision to go ahead with the plans the day I woke up from the last failure. It's not as though I haven't put a lot of thought in to it.

 

Hi GoldenPsych,

I hope your cold is starting to go away a little bit. :hugtackles:

Anyhow, I will now proceed to go check out your blog (assuming it's on here). Just know that I (and others) are reading!

Stay safe,

Alex

 

Hi Goldenpsych

Just wanted to say thinking of you, I know words seem inadequate to console sometimes but just know you are not alone!

Take care x

 

Hi GP,

I'm glad to see you're back - I was very worried, but then saw in your blog that you would be away for a bit. It is nice that you're back, and I look forward to reading your blog later today when I have more time to savor your thoughts.

What D-503 said is very wise - something that many of us know instinctively, but don't effectively put to words very well.

Read back through your blog - you've some good things to look forward to. Simple things.

 

I could not comment on the blog - on your article written on Aug 1st - yesterday - Monday.

Could not help but notice some things you said - which kind of worried me.

Dom? I take it the ex - I mean throwing things at each other - its either playing with children - or, having some man-child to aggravate you - to 'play the game' - which should have been stopped ASAP.

But - you mention being hit - and say you deserved it. THAT is crazy talk - your doing NO favours even thinking that.

Sexual equality is an illusion. Men ARE the more powerful ones - so we really do have to pledge NEVER to hit any woman or child.

Hey if you came at me with a knife - sure, I'd Hi Karate you into next week. A gentleman I might be - but a victim? I like to avoid that part of life.

But having read your excellent blog for a few months now - and most of it - I don't think you would be pulling out a knife on me. And as for throwing things - if its snowing - sure - it would be fun to plant a snowball in your face - and wake you up a little!

And you could smash my head in with an ashtray as big as a really bloody big brick - and neatly split my skull in half!

Seriously though - my day has been dire - my week might be a really worse one - but reading about other people who are already in the place I was, am and might ever shall be - I feel like a fraud sometimes.

Like I should at least try to kill myself - to qualify. But the trouble is - I'd actually succeed so I'd not be able to come back here and tell you - maybe feeling a little ashamed because we do - don't we? We feel like confessing all this stuff is selfish - like we are 'weak'.

Maybe we should all meet up in the UK. I could plan it - ban all the men (you are not worthy) and be a court jester. Amuse you with my amazing trick in which I take someone's watch - smash it up in a hanky (magic trick) and then hand it back and say "its still working, in the past"

I'll hire Butlins - or a few caravans - we can sit around a camp-fire and see who has the most issues. I win there. I just - er, feel that. I got more issues than a psychiatrists convention on male impotency. You'll all go to sleep - and wake up and I'll be talking to myself. What's new right? Writing to myself also I think sometimes. Anyone out there?

So please hang around Golden Psych - you got to keep that dream - you CAN come out of this - renewed, another woman almost - but the same without the feeling you want to die. To be you - without that darkness - wow, can you afford that dream? You really should.

The good part of us wanes like a candle dying - when we think about death. I know this - I've seen someone, who was not me, dressed in my clothes - who was a stranger to kindness.

I was not always so nice. I hated myself more. I'd do for myself for sure if I thought I had hurt anyone real badly. For this - I'm grateful. I have hurt people, in the past, but we live and learn. I was a liar, thief and would have robbed anyone, if the opportunity was there. Now - maybe Karma messed me up to make me realise how our actions have these effects which might really upset people.

So - I upset myself only - like you GS and more here besides. I beat myself up - I hurt me - and if I had a argument with a woman I'd go to the local pub - and let it be known I was angry at the world and spoiling for a fight. People just wait for that. Men of honour - we don't hit woman - we go out and have a fight with our mates. Or go on a weekend in which beer upon beer gets you to that 'manly' place in which arguing and possibly agreeing to fight occurs, it makes men feel good. Men who throw things at women or trade blows - have issues so deep that you really need to pretty much get a shovel out - not to dig - just to bash them on the head.

If your a man - and raise your fist to a woman - you should have broke up like 5 years ago.

Ever since I have been 'nice' - ever since I made that effort, I just keep meeting more people who I would be letting down if I killed myself.

I'm living for others now. But have to be very careful that I do not care for others and end up with nobody caring for me.

We can only give so much of ourselves - there is a limit - and we do NEED others to care for us - even if its a kind word - encouragement, a cheer and a raised fist any-time anyone here finds one shred of happiness in this miserable old world.

Your a beautiful woman Golden Psych - you got a lot to offer this world and I reassure you that if you get a tattoo of a star for every life you CAN save - you will have a lot! You could tour schools and tell girls thinking of suicide aged 11 upwards about your story. That story is ongoing - and you CAN win.

This is what I plan to do - a star for any life I feel I've maybe helped in a little. People here even - well, there are a few who email me now - and PM - and good things are happening. I know a few people here who were very suicidal and now - they have ambitions again. They look into a mirror and guess what? They see someone they can like.

Well, that's me. Optimistic for others more than me - I see people here with all these great chances in life - with witty and intelligent minds - with lives actually happening but on hold and taking breaks.

So lets be nicer to each other. Open up a little.

Say 'thanks' now and again. Costs nothing - makes you feel better.

Do you like football GS?

Not just watching all the mens legs I mean actually knowing what offside is?

Regards - can't back you up with the negatives I'm afraid - all I can do is wish you well and hope something I say might make you smile or think that I'm right.

I KNOW I'm right. So do you. And everyone else.

I'm just another voice of millions saying the same things really.

 

I hate football but I know what the offside rule is. I am more of a rugby union kinda girl.

I can't keep fighting it anymore. It comes back in cycles and I don't know what causes the cycles. This depression which has lasted 2 weeks so far was because I failed. If I can feel like this because I failed and not relieved, not happy that I didn't suceed it means to me that what I am planning is right.

 

You can come back. You will come back. You need to come back. I need you to come back. We need you to come back.

I like to ride bikes. Cycling. I'd not climb the hills if I didn't know there was a down return. The hills are our problems, the down spin is our relief and rejuvination.

You are on a climb. Ride on my back wheel. I just had a power gel, I've got the strength of many now - let me break the wind for you, and we can coast down with you in the lead.

 

You don't know yet what causes these cycles.

As for fighting it - I played a little rugby when a teenager - I actually told the games teacher it was 'easy' - laughed at him - a cheeky kid I was really - and a pain.

So I played - and it was a revaluation. I never knew you could kick another man in the ba*** - and that he would he would just laugh at you.

the local rugby team - (we are not a Ruby playing area really) kept getting the hell beaten out of it. People joined as one of the sides was the police - and you do not often get the chance to push one over - without risks!

So - good for you - football is pretty much a effeminate male sport these days. Men crying - showing off their bare chests and hugging each other for a bit too long for someone like me!

I'd kill myself having to pay £50 to watch it.

Anyhow - I do hope you can get back to your dissertation or whatever it is - I'm a pleb - I don't really know what happens in the higher realms of academia. You do - and I hope you pick it up again.

Maybe you need a break from England?

Any mates to head to the hills with? Camp out for a long weekend were people do not go - all this city/town life - it's pretty grim.

I would nuke my own town - give warning of course - but - anyone feel that way right now?

Why kill yourself - think of all the scum out there who you could nuke.

Hmmm - maybe not the wisest thing I've ever said - but lets have some levity.

I'll tell you a funny joke if you want.

Or swap issues?

Either way - I do care about you - and -a lot of people here do also.

Throw away whatever you have in your little stash.

Send it to me - I'll use it wisely - might get ideas for a song.

Not a rugby song though!!!!!!!

Regards and best wishes