But damn, it's so hard right now. I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for a really, really long time. But there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing. For years I've been told as much by every person I went to for help. At this point, after metaphorically beating my head against a brick wall for so long, I have no energy left to cope. I'm barely functioning. I can't help myself which apparently means no one else can help me either or so I've been told; so what's left? Do I just let myself die? As little as I'm eating and sleeping these days, I feel like I'm well on my way down that road. This is by far the worst depressive episode I've had, and that's saying a lot considering how badly depressed I was in the past. This time, it feels catatonic, a newer symptom, presenting only these last few years. I feel like I've really given up this time, like there's no turning back, no finding hope or faith or whatever else keeps people going through the tortures of living existing (or barely surviving). Whatever that imaginary spark is that motivates others' resiliency to bounce back in times of trouble or change doesn't seem to exist within me. I don't "want" to live. The suicidal thoughts and voices have gone beyond the point of just wishing I was dead. They've convinced me that I have to die this way. That I'm supposed to die by suicide.