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Still Fighting It

Trixie

Well-Known Member
#1
But damn, it's so hard right now. I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for a really, really long time. But there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing. For years I've been told as much by every person I went to for help. At this point, after metaphorically beating my head against a brick wall for so long, I have no energy left to cope. I'm barely functioning. I can't help myself which apparently means no one else can help me either or so I've been told; so what's left? Do I just let myself die? As little as I'm eating and sleeping these days, I feel like I'm well on my way down that road. This is by far the worst depressive episode I've had, and that's saying a lot considering how badly depressed I was in the past. This time, it feels catatonic, a newer symptom, presenting only these last few years. I feel like I've really given up this time, like there's no turning back, no finding hope or faith or whatever else keeps people going through the tortures of living existing (or barely surviving). Whatever that imaginary spark is that motivates others' resiliency to bounce back in times of trouble or change doesn't seem to exist within me. I don't "want" to live. The suicidal thoughts and voices have gone beyond the point of just wishing I was dead. They've convinced me that I have to die this way. That I'm supposed to die by suicide.
 

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
#2
@Trixie
Once in a while, I feel as you do. At those times, I post here, and the encouragement from others gives me the resiliency to bounce back.
What's good about your post is how you put your emotions into words that gives me a very clear picture how exactly you feel. Especially the part where you say that you're not living but just existing. Isn't there anything in your life that gives your life any meaning? Because meaning and purpose keeps me hanging on and wanting to continue living.
Everybody has a different purpose in life just as different people have different religions. In my life, I've had self-conflict at encountering conflicting religions. But now I find peace of mind in Buddhism. So much so that I don't even have to escape into movies at all--because Reality fulfills me. Zen-meditation teaches me acceptance of reality.
But even with the Zen, I sometimes relapse into suicidality. At those times, I come to this site and post my thoughts. And the encouragement makes me get back to my feet again.
The human mind is a battle-field--and the battles are not fought with weapons but instead with our emotions. As I practice Zen-meditation, it teaches me that I can control my emotions.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#3
But damn, it's so hard right now. I'm not okay. I haven't been okay for a really, really long time. But there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing. For years I've been told as much by every person I went to for help. At this point, after metaphorically beating my head against a brick wall for so long, I have no energy left to cope. I'm barely functioning. I can't help myself which apparently means no one else can help me either or so I've been told; so what's left? Do I just let myself die? As little as I'm eating and sleeping these days, I feel like I'm well on my way down that road. This is by far the worst depressive episode I've had, and that's saying a lot considering how badly depressed I was in the past. This time, it feels catatonic, a newer symptom, presenting only these last few years. I feel like I've really given up this time, like there's no turning back, no finding hope or faith or whatever else keeps people going through the tortures of living existing (or barely surviving). Whatever that imaginary spark is that motivates others' resiliency to bounce back in times of trouble or change doesn't seem to exist within me. I don't "want" to live. The suicidal thoughts and voices have gone beyond the point of just wishing I was dead. They've convinced me that I have to die this way. That I'm supposed to die by suicide.
@Trixie, you are not your suicidal thoughts. It's just harder to control and picture your life at the moment. That's why we are here for you, to listen to you.

The resiliency you mentioned is just another self-help thing that can be found everywhere. "It's all in your mind, so have a growth mindset and start improving your life." - they said. I think this resiliency is something you gain after your Mariana Trench-deep depressive episode, like you are more aware of the things that initiate the episode.

Remember, you are strong.
 

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
Forum Pro
#4
I am so sorry that you are struggling so much right now...I too feel the same where I am just existing but not living. I wish I had some concrete advice but I too struggle to find a way out of these feelings. Please take to heart that you do matter and you clearly have an inner strength so hold tightly onto that. Sending you *hug
 

Trixie

Well-Known Member
#5
I'm really sick of this whole recovery movement concept where treatment facilities are basically pushing this idea that if you're coping, you've recovered. Well, at least that's been my experience here in TN. In no other form of medical treatment does a doctor say something so ridiculous. If someone is managing their diabetes, they haven't "recovered." That person still has diabetes. Managing symptoms, no matter how well or how poorly, isn't recovery.

Just doing a quick search for the definition of recovery, I ran across this one as it pertains to mental health: From the perspective of the individual with mental illness, recovery means gaining and retaining hope, understanding of ones abilities and disabilities, engagement in an active life, personal autonomy, social identity, meaning and purpose in life, and a positive sense of self. With the exception of "understanding of ones abilities and disabilities," which I already had prior to reentering treatment, I haven't recovered any of those other things. If anything since I've been back in treatment, I've lost more than I've gained. When I reentered treatment for help with the PTSD symptoms back in 2013, I did so because I felt strong enough to finally face the trauma that led to those symptoms. I had at least a small amount of hope, meaning and purpose in my life, and a positive sense of self. I lost those things somewhere along the way.

I think to that definition I would also add symptom free for an extended period of time of no less than a year before I would consider myself healthy, (something I haven't had for no less than 27 years); but even then recovered just doesn't seem like the correct terminology to use. Remission, maybe? I don't know, maybe I expected too much from treatment; but part of that hopelessness and helplessness I feel are a direct result of constantly feeling unheard and confused by the very people who are supposed to help. It feels dismissive at best and like gaslighting at worst. Of course, it also doesn't help that I was literally told that the best I could hope for is to merely cope with my symptoms, that there is no "getting over" trauma, as well as the other things mentioned above.
 

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