still going on...

[rinovatio]

Yeah, after 15 years, I finally cracked and decided to leave this place... which was obviously unsuccessful, otherwise I wouldn't write it here... Instead I was commited to mental hospital for 3 weeks, still feeling no better than before, even with higher dose of AD and new additional drugs. Tomorrow will be first day, when I'm back at work and I hope that I'll be able to sleep for the next few days, as it's bothering me, what will happen, the reason for this anxiety is that [mod edit - methods] and went out of home, which was quite strange thing to do, and the worst thing, for me, was that I reached my office (about 20 minutes of walking) and collapsed right after front doors, I think. I remember walking by main door and then there are just flashes. My sister is saying that it was higher power, that I reached a work place and got immidiate help, my psychiatrist said that it was ke on subconcious level I seeked help... I think that I just wasn't thinking clearly.

So yeah.... "big day" tomorrow, anyone else has experience with that kind of thing? I know that it's not the same for everyony (different person/culture etc), but maybe someone else had same thing... because I'm quite confused at what to do, whether to put my "I'm OK" mask back on or to share something, but then I'm thinking, why should I trouble them with my own problems... everyone has problems and I think it's quite selfish to put that kind of weight on to them...

 

[total eclipse]

Glad you were able to get help I think just be who you are no mask because that takes too much energy People that care about you just want you to be well so will want to know what is truly happening

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

It was weird going back to work atfer 3 months was akward at first then felt back to normal within the hour.

 

[rinovatio]

Thanks for the replies...
Well first day went somewhat strange and a bit akward as well. But is seems that my mask is stuck on my face because as soon as some of my colleague asked how I'm doing and is everything OK, then automatic reply is "I'm fine/OK". But yeah this nasty sorrow wave went over and it took quite a lot of strength to somewhat take control and hold back my tears. And as always no special event or we even didn't talk about my "accident", it just came. I think it's just because it felt that nothing has changed. Similar but stronger wave came over, when I was released from the hospital, and I was in quite good mood, and after made some shopping (food) and as soon as I stepped over the doorstep this big nasty sorrow took me in. And then I thought, what was the point of all of it, I was stuck in a hospital for 3 weeks and I'm still depressed, I'm still using AD's and bunch of other drugs...

Well hope that tomorrow will be better...