still here but i don't know why

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wastingecho, Feb 22, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    this is the fourth time in the last 2 weeks that i have started to kill myself but failed to follow through

    all i end up doing is wrecking my health and scaring people here that i care about

    each time the pain gets more intense and i keep getting closer - each day it's more of the same

    what i did to myself this afternoon is finally wearing off and it's all starting all over again and i don't know how the break this cycle
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm glad you're still alive. :arms: I know right now it feels like there's no other way out, but it doesn't have to be this way, and it's not always going to hurt this much.
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i just don't know how i can keep facing this day after day after day
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I know. But hopefully we can help you get through, and maybe even work together to try and come up with some ways for you to feel better. You don't have to face this alone.
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    wish i could believe that

    i just don't see how
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Just try to hold on, and try to believe it. Your life is worth fighting for, and maybe if a few of us work together, we can come up with something that will help you. It's worth a try, so please don't give up!
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    don't you dare give up Echo...we need you..your family needs you...
    i know that sounds selfish but there has to be a way to help you....
    take care
  8. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    what about getting some professional help? I know you said you have some history with this, but are you adverse to trying again? Would talking to a therapist who was a good fit for you help at this point? Or trying a support group? Just trying to find an outlet for you that is safe and helps you express yourself.

    I am painting, even when I am half nuts and want to die, i can find some solace in my art. Without it, I dont know what I would do. And, I also then can use what I paint to express feelings that often have no words...

    just some thoughts, i care about you, and wish I could make it all better for you, i hate to see you suffer so much.
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    just forget about professionals

    it's like an automatic switch - as soon as any conversation works around to me i stop talking - the harder they push the more i retreat until the only thing i can hear is the sound of the clock marking the time until i can get the hell out of there - can't even look them in the eye once it starts

    used to do so many things when i was younger

    used to draw and paint - still have everything except one painting i gave to my grandmother when i was in junior high

    used to think i wasn't bad, but i look at all the old sketches and realize that i can't actually draw anything original - everything i have is a copy of some other work, comic book cover, tv guide photo, whatever

    used to do the shows in high school and college - worked with some kids who went on to actually have successful careers - in college we were even going to have a known star play macbeth which would have been cool since i would have had a sword fighting scene and been "killed" by him onstage, but the writers strike at the time forced him to cancel. still got to die onstage and fall down a set of circular stairs and roll off the apron - high school kids thought that was the greatest thing ever (hah - at least some people were happy when i died)

    the weirdest thing was that being cast for that show was the thing that made me realize i could never be an actor - i wasn't even intending to audition - hadn't been cast since freshman year so i didn't even sign up

    later during class the professor asked why i hadn't and i told him i just didn't have time to prepare an adequate audition piece - he said i could use the piece i had just presented in class if i wanted to - told him i'd think about it

    when i left class a girl i knew walked up behind me and smacked me in the head - "don't you get it? he already has you cast. he just needs an excuse."

    he didn't want me because i had any particular skill - he wanted me because someone else who did have skill that he was about to cast looked so much like me that we could take the father and son roles

    did you ever hear the Harry Chapin song "Mr. Tanner"? that's me without having to listen to the critics

    house is full of craft projects that i start and just can't finish (guess it's an unfortunate trend)

    cross stitch, bird houses, painted plaster casts...

    last thing i did that was any fun was helping my daughter teach a 5-10 year old winter color guard - she would write the show, i would mix the music, do the sets and flags and help her tweak and teach it - in 3 years the kids won one silver and 2 gold medals at championships - but the director moved and the guard is gone and it wouldn't be any fun without my daughter anyway

    don't think i'll ever be able to sleep right again - this morning i hit the wrong button and turned the alarm off instead of hitting the snooze so i'm gonna work from home today

    don't even want to get dressed

    i feel like my coffee cup - it's got my name on, it's chipped, cracked, and crazed, still serves it's purpose - but i know it won't survive being dropped one more time

    at least i'm home right? if i do something stupid at least i can lie down this time
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Oooh, I think it's awesome that you know how to do things like mix music. It's something I've always wanted to learn how to do but haven't done yet. All I can do is some basic editing with programs like Sound Forge or Goldwave.

    Out of all those things you talked about, is there anything you'd like to do now? Maybe try drawing or painting again, just as an outlet? It's okay if you have an easier time copying others' work than doing originals. That's something that might change with time. And even to make a copy, you still have to have talent; so it must be something you're good at. Doing something like that might bring you some relief.
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't do that anymore

    attempts at "art-therapy" when i was in the hospital made me stop

    i don't even want to pick up a pencil anymore - just brings me back there

    all i want to do is eat, sleep, and die - not necessarily in that order
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    :( Yeah, I can understand not wanting to draw anymore. Not worth the painful memories.

    Maybe treat yourself to something you DO like? A favorite food? Something that will make you feel even the tiniest bit better.
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    don't want to read, watch tv, watch a movie, listen to music

    don't want to get dressed, don't want to go out

    you get the idea

    the only thing i want to do is find a way to stop crying and stop hurting

    i want to know which way is up again, i want to feel like i have some value

    i want to find a way to end this freaking nightmare
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    You do have value. I know you may not see that right now, but you really do. Even in the short time you've been here, you've given so much and shown people that you care. You're already an important part of this site.
  15. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    we've had this argument before

    maybe you're right - maybe i can't see it right now

    but that doesn't make me feel it any less

    dammit - not sure if i'm saying this right
  16. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Sorry! Yeah, you said it okay.
  17. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i think i'm just finally losing heart

    it's been 35 years, 9 medications, 6 therapists/counselors/psychiatrists, 2 hospital stays and now 5 days of relentless suffering

    the only break i got was from the alcohol from the medicine and given the number of alcoholics in the family i probably shouldn't go down that road

    i don't wonder "if" i'm going to try again, the question is "when"
  18. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    postpone it. there's no rush. stay here. please.

    You are a fighter. I mean, holy crap, you have been fighting this for so long and you can get better. I just know it.

    Do not quit.
  19. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    why do i always start sobbing everytime it sounds like someone cares?

    is there something (else) fundamentally wrong with me?
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I think being able to draw is amazing...I can't even draw a stick figure properly..
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