Still here, still breathing but I don't want to be!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Nov 7, 2007.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I feel the same. Alcohol has become a problem. I am not drinking everyday but when I do drink which is about 2-3 times per week I drink 2 much. One thing that got me really down the other day was that I realised I had been to hospital 12 times this year all through my own doings, whether it be overdosing, cutting or through too much alcohol and I had ended up passing out. I did have someone who I had seen a couple of times at the hospital and but he was not a person that I can see regulary. I really liked him and cos of that I wanted to do things, ok so I had a crush on him (lol - I know the most unfortunate person to have a crush on) so it made me want to impress him by getting better. Now though I dont feel like that and also I wont be able to see my counsellor anymore as they have moved practice and they are only open in the day time and not at weekends. It has taken since April for me to be really honest with her and I dont want to have to find someone else and wait so long for me to be able to find that trust in another person.

    I feel as though I am on a self destructive path and I have really messed up, I have a hole in my leg that is from where I have cut it and it is not healing - at least they have taught me how to dress it myself as was a pain going every day to have it dressed.

    I am taking one day at a time but sometimes even when I have had pretty much an uneventful day I feel so down for no apparent reason. like today for instance, nothing happened, you know the usual go o work, go home things nothing to make me feel bad but the dark thoughts and feelings just creep in for no reason. I was driving home and thought about crashing my car, I was in the pharmacy and wanted to buy lots of painkillers but what stopped me was the fact that i knew they wouldnt sell me enough to do any damage and that I have tried that before and it didn't work. I'll see how things go, but at the moment I am living with the mentality that if things get any worse I will always have the power to end it all and die. Maybe knowing that helps, who knows.
  2. querida

    querida Well-Known Member

    I know it all seems really difficult but keep fighting through each day. I have been where you are. I have cut and ODd and drank too much every night. I too have ended up in hospital.

    Life is difficult but things are going to get better. I still haven't spoken to anyone about my problems but I am coping better. You can too!! It seems impossible now and I probably sound like one of those annoy people who you think doesn't know what they are talking about but maybe I could help. I am here for you.
  3. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    I think you're right when you say that we need to take each day at a time.. i think it can be so overwhelming not to do that. Sounds like you're in a painful place right now, especially with the therapist who you have finally begun to trust and open up to, is moving away. I can understand the reluctancy to start afresh with someone new.. but i hope that you will give it a go, if you feel it could help.

    I can really relate to the every day trivialities of just getting up, going to work, coming home, going to bed, getting up, going to work, etc. I sometimes wonder if there must be more to life than this.. and maybe there is? Maybe we just haven't found it yet (or so i like to hope anyway!).

    I hope things improve for you soon, and that you never feel the need to end your life. Keep talking here if it helps.

    Jenny x
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