I feel the same. Alcohol has become a problem. I am not drinking everyday but when I do drink which is about 2-3 times per week I drink 2 much. One thing that got me really down the other day was that I realised I had been to hospital 12 times this year all through my own doings, whether it be overdosing, cutting or through too much alcohol and I had ended up passing out. I did have someone who I had seen a couple of times at the hospital and but he was not a person that I can see regulary. I really liked him and cos of that I wanted to do things, ok so I had a crush on him (lol - I know the most unfortunate person to have a crush on) so it made me want to impress him by getting better. Now though I dont feel like that and also I wont be able to see my counsellor anymore as they have moved practice and they are only open in the day time and not at weekends. It has taken since April for me to be really honest with her and I dont want to have to find someone else and wait so long for me to be able to find that trust in another person. I feel as though I am on a self destructive path and I have really messed up, I have a hole in my leg that is from where I have cut it and it is not healing - at least they have taught me how to dress it myself as was a pain going every day to have it dressed. I am taking one day at a time but sometimes even when I have had pretty much an uneventful day I feel so down for no apparent reason. like today for instance, nothing happened, you know the usual go o work, go home things nothing to make me feel bad but the dark thoughts and feelings just creep in for no reason. I was driving home and thought about crashing my car, I was in the pharmacy and wanted to buy lots of painkillers but what stopped me was the fact that i knew they wouldnt sell me enough to do any damage and that I have tried that before and it didn't work. I'll see how things go, but at the moment I am living with the mentality that if things get any worse I will always have the power to end it all and die. Maybe knowing that helps, who knows.