Still here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Starred, Sep 1, 2014.

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  1. Starred

    Starred New Member

    I posted a few weeks ago, I logged back in to stay thank you for replying, then I was going to start putting all my plans into order.

    Something changed though and I'm still here

    I've gone from wanting to just go to my death to wondering deep down if it's would make it all better or only make it all better for me.

    I made some terrible mistakes, I am the kind of person the world would be better without. I cheated, on an emotionally level, which means somewhere along the lines I lied. It all came from my partner going through a violent, alcoholic phase which has now passed. I should have never have gone in the wrong direction. Instead of running away I should have stuck like glue and helped him through it. But at the time I felt like I needed an escape route and I thought that was it. I was wrong. His faults he has changed and I have ended whatever it was I was doing. I feel like I need to tell this to someone. I know I will be judge by you who is reading this and I accept that. I think part of my obsession, my stubbornness with ending it all eventually is because I'm holding it all in. I know I deserve the pain. But it's gone from a numbing pain to a hurting pain. I can't figure out if that's progress or not.

    I fell out with A sibling, then he died. We never made up. What kind of person am I?

    I know I'm only young, but if I've messed up this extent all ready then it's only going to get worse isn't it?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    NO ONE will judge you here no one ok we all make mistakes we are not perfect no one is. Sounds like you were struggling as well and did what you could to survive your partners alcoholism Don't be so hard on yourself ok learn from what ever mistakes we do that is all one can do. I understand the fall out from a sibling i lost my brother too and we never really reconnected prior to his suicide so i understand that pain but no one is at fault ok things happen You are person who is fighting to survive we understand ok we do so please do not be so hard on you
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