I posted a few weeks ago, I logged back in to stay thank you for replying, then I was going to start putting all my plans into order. Something changed though and I'm still here I've gone from wanting to just go to my death to wondering deep down if it's would make it all better or only make it all better for me. I made some terrible mistakes, I am the kind of person the world would be better without. I cheated, on an emotionally level, which means somewhere along the lines I lied. It all came from my partner going through a violent, alcoholic phase which has now passed. I should have never have gone in the wrong direction. Instead of running away I should have stuck like glue and helped him through it. But at the time I felt like I needed an escape route and I thought that was it. I was wrong. His faults he has changed and I have ended whatever it was I was doing. I feel like I need to tell this to someone. I know I will be judge by you who is reading this and I accept that. I think part of my obsession, my stubbornness with ending it all eventually is because I'm holding it all in. I know I deserve the pain. But it's gone from a numbing pain to a hurting pain. I can't figure out if that's progress or not. I fell out with A sibling, then he died. We never made up. What kind of person am I? I know I'm only young, but if I've messed up this extent all ready then it's only going to get worse isn't it?