Still Here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Will, Aug 11, 2007.

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  1. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    I guess it's been awhile since I've made a really serious post. I've been...thinking alot.

    I'm somewhat at a point where my soul is pretty damaged - I feel at a stable point but I know I cannot really live a 'happy' life. I guess there are things I can try, but I don't know.

    You know, alot of people who have lost their parents, and or never had mom/dad always have some sort of pain locked inside. I never really felt that. I mean, I've never felt 'alone' because I don't have a mom or a dad. At the same time I guess I wouldn't know how it feels TO have a mom and/or a dad. My mother abandoned me when I was about 3. And I was left with my grandparents. They're a bit older, 42+ at the time.

    And so I guess when I was growing up, I never really got 'support' from them. I have broken memories where I would be very...I wouldn't say hateful, but I remember always rejecting them as parents. I don't make it openly noticable, not most of the time. I remember being scolded because I "was taken out of a bad situation and they changed me diapers, etc" that whole ordeal.

    And I wasn't really...caring. I felt very...empty. I kept all my feelings to myself. Most f my emotional pain and trauma was probably from...8 - 13 I'd say. It goes on after that, to this day, but to a lesser extent.

    I was pretty active, as a younger kid. I use to take intense interest into something, and it would distract me. Keep my mind occupied. And I did alot of stupid things. I remember getting into a lot of fights. I remember being taken advantage of. I remember being quite the ass myself.

    Though this was when i was young, and in gradeschool. I remember feeling romantic feelings since I was about in 2nd grade, maybe. I don't even remember how old I was. But I always observed it was more of a nervous type. I wasn't really confident.

    Because I guess even when I was younger I remember being called down a ton because my grandfathers side of the family hated me. I guess I had done a few bad things when I was like...5 or 6, and they held things like this against me till I was about 14. So I mean...I was called down in general. I never really felt confident in myself. I was always really just hurt inside. I got pulses, just like I do now. But back then I didn't know what it was.

    I remember cutting my finger, and it leaves a scar to this day. It might not have been intentional. But I do feel that I liked it. I feel like when I used to be hurt, I would feel real. Atleast for a little bit.

    As I was a little older, maybe younger then 9, I had a few negative experiences sexually. I won't go in detail. It left me a little bit more withdrewn than before. And I feel that I can't talk to anyone really. And I had another negative sexual experience around 12 and 13 that continued. And I really would rather not talk about it.

    It was more of an abuse, and over my time of growing up, 6-14, I kept taking blows to my self esteem. I feel that even now it's pretty non existant. I can never really say I'm 'good' at anything. I just can't. I don't feel that I 'deserve' to have friends, or be around people.

    I feel like I am alone.

    The lack of 'parents' hasn't very much so effected me. But I have wondered from time to time...

    What does it feel to have a dad? You know, someone you can lean on, ask for help. Someone who doesn't judge. Or a mom. I don't have these things. And when my dad was alive, I only seen him a few times. I remember him being harsh and angry. He used to hit me a bit. I remember when he actually made my nose bleed, but so faintly. Though my family tells me it did happen.

    And I remember the last time I talked to him, was a few weeks before he died. He was telling me things about UFO's or something. Magnets. But I'm not sure, I don't remember what he was saying. My brother lived with him at the time.

    And at times I wonder why it was they liked him more. I don't really think about it much though. I feel I've been 'on my own' and I have to really rely on myself.

    When my dad died, he OD'd. I don't know if it was Suicide. But it was an OD, and the way things came about, I believe it was Suicide.

    I don't know if it's the lack of people in my life that hurt me or not. I didn't really have many friends. I feel like...I was alone, just trying to live an alternate reality since i was young. Because my family hated me, my friends always took advantage of me. And I never felt that maybe I really had a solid friend, just someone there.

    So I just bottled it up. I just keep holding it in. And I'd crack alot when I was 10-12, and I'd cry all night sometimes. I was alone. And when I was 14 I faced a time I could have died. I had appendicitis, but it burst before I was in the OR. I wasn't admitted until 6 hours after. I thought before I went in...I could lie and say I was ok. The pain was immense, but that Tuesday, I could've died within a few hours if I never said anything. They were going out at 7pm. It had burst at 8, and I would've died that night, but I decided to go in. I was hospitalized, and I had surgery.

    It was a lethal case. I was vomitting for about 5 days after. I was in pretty bad pain. I was on Percaset, I would take 4 every 4 hours. I wasn't really conscious at all that time. I drifted in and out of sleep. I wish I hadn't been awake when I was. They didn't give me any hydration when iw as recovering. I was allowed the smallest cup of 'ice chips' once every two hours. No food, no liquid. And I was dying a thirst in there, and I just laid there.

    But I think alot. Meanings, reasons, and try to be as aware and intelligent to things, to come to reason, and nt to be quick to assume.

    Well as I went more so into my 11-14 life, there's alot of things I did I regret in general. There was the whole sex thing, and then I had alot of problems with getting friends. I was in home school at this point. And I would just go to family gatherings, and things like that. I remember being extremely...sad. I couldn't get along with anyone. Not in the way you might think. But in a way that...I couldn't say anything interesting.

    Even today, I tend to tremble when I talk to people. I feel inside that I'm afraid to face people's opinions about me, Because I know nothing but pain up to this point. There were times when I just wanted breakdown. And I would, but in private.

    I found out I had depression. But not professionally diagnosed but...I'm pretty sure I'm atleast that if I feel this way. More so into it I found a pro-life site. It was a smaller one, and I joined for awhile. I only posted a few times, but people were there.

    I can't remember...what happened. I don't remember much about it. One day I came back, and it just had a link to SF. I know that most of the members didn't transfer. It kinda worries me, I was really hoping they'd be okay.

    So I lurked SF for awhile. Didn't join for a fair few months there. Posted a post or two in UP under an anon name. After I joined, I was really...out of it. I had been seriously cutting for awhile now.

    I had met a few people over that time. I used to write, and I had a 28 chapter story I never wrote the last chap for. I got rid of it. And never did finish it. This one friend, we were in touch in alot.

    Her name as Amber, she was a nice girl. A good friend. And we used to talk alot. Her dad was abusive, he hit her alot from his rage. And he married another woman. So she had it rough. She attempted 3 times, all were unsuccessful. And she had started cutting since I met her. We talked alot, and made it through some rough times. But I never really told her how I felt about myself or my problems. Maybe once but...she wasn't really paying attention.

    We stopped talking awhile ago. I try to talk to her once in awhile but she doesn't try much. She is living a stable life right now, and is happy. So that's good, and I'm hoping she stays that way.

    I met another person on the course of it all, and we had pretty good contact. We knew eachother for about 2 years now. But we broke apart just recently. I sustained quite a bit hurt in this period. I've cut alot, and I lost alot. I think I learned alot more. But at the same time I feel like still don't have any emotional attachment. To anyone.

    I had a few other people over the course of it, as well. Another person I knew since about...last September. I don't know if she wants me to say her name or not. But she knows who she is. When we first met we talked a lot, maybe more, maybe less at times. It was different. Sometimes I wondered if I had feelings for her or not. She was a nice person, but at times I don't know if we'd really mix. I still don't know.

    We used to talk alot, just about cutting. And she had practiced it as a addiction instead of a catalyst for pain. And I had agreed her alot on things because I understood. And it worried me alot when she'd drink alot, and it was a little unnerving. I don't know though.

    Just recently she broke apart with someone she was with. Just trying to make sure she's okay.

    I had known another person. We didn't and still don't talk too much. But we had, a few times. And I don't know quite what to make of it. Her parents forced school on her pretty hard. And I guess she was only depressed lightly a few times. So it was a little different talking to her. And we never really got along alot. But I really miss her company. Though at times it was like she'd rather not be my friend. And that's okay...people don't like me.

    There's been alot of people who've gone by. And I don't really think we're really friends. I've tried on occasion, but I'm not very interesting I guess. So we just never really talked much. So there's alot of others I didn't mention that weren't really around alot.

    This year has been pretty eventful. I got my networking job, and worked for about 6 months, started in January. Been a pretty crappy experience. I've actually cut 3 times at work. And I was usually watching the shop on occasion. And I brokedown a few times. No one was around, ofcourse, but I was still there. So it was okay.

    Alot of things going on with family. Last year I was kicked out, and then forcefully returned. They didn't like that I was hesitant to go out to family gatherings and meet people, and things like that. They just didn't like me to not talk to people. But my family, and people hate me. I couldn't do it. Then they had me forcefully removed from my mom's house, which was up the street, and made me come back.

    So...at this point I felt alot more like no one really cares. I never had much belief that my grandparents did. ANd they kicked me out, and I know they don't. I know that no one else does.

    My mom is still around. We're not always on best terms. She's a drug addict, and does weed and cocaine up pretty big. Her and my step dad spend probably 300+$ a week on the stuff. They make good money, but are in run down homes. And they devote it all to drugs.

    I have a 3 year old little brother living with them. Half brother if you will. And it worries be that...I just don't feel anything for anyone. If people in my family died, I wouldn't really know how to react. I wouldn't be sad, I'd be so neutral. I could just let it pass me by. I don't think I really am connected at all with my family.

    My mother has stolen money from me before. When I leave my wallet at home. They've borrowed money and never given back. And it just...feels like I'm always being taken advantage of. I don't just 'hand it out' but that's why she started stealing it.

    And to me it's just...if my own 'mother' does that, then what is ANYONE to this world? I don't believe anyone cared in the first place. I don't think I really have anyone. It feels like I am alone. So alone.

    Another person I've been concerned about with a bit more lately, and atleast try to keep tabs on is a friend of mine. She knows who she is, and I don't think I need to make it widely known her issues. She has been talking for awhile now about suicide. I asked her about it a week or two back, and she said it's nto soon. I just try to keep throwing things out there, and try to give people what I didn't have. And I know I don't really approach it in the absolute best way. But I just want her to be alright. She doesn't need to die. She really doesn't.

    I've been cutting avidly lately. I know that I have...been always just answering people, telling them I'm okay. But I'm really not. I'm breaking apart inside. I don't know what I should be happy about. I never really have been.

    I'm alone. I don't have any family, that I can rely on. I don't have friends. Seems like I drive them away.

    And I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm just here, and existing. I dno't know where I'm going. This is more just a recap of things, feelings, and some events. I'm trying not to draw attention to myself or seem incredibly pathetic.

    There's alot of other things that have affected me, but this is enough for now. If anyone's read this far, thanks for reading my story. I'm sorry I wasted your time.
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you chose to post this Xibyll. It helps me to understand you just a little bit better. I read it all the way to the end and do not feel i wasted any of my time at all. These things are important to you and so are important to us at SF. I know that I can do nothing to change the events that have happened in your life, but I can say that even though we have spoken only a few times, I do care about what you are going through and what happens to you. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to share with. I will get back with you as soon as i can. :hug:
     
  3. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Wasn't a waste of time at all.

    You're a lot stronger than you think you are.

    :hug:

    Here for you.
     
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