Still here.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by throwaway1234, Sep 8, 2012.

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  1. throwaway1234

    throwaway1234 Member

    Last post was removed because I got too specific.

    I tried to OD on my meds and drink until I passed out and wouldn't wake up.
    Sad thing is, I woke up.
    I'm still here in this miserable existence of life and I just want it to be OVER.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 8, 2012
  2. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Know how you feel. I've OD'd and drank twice. Woke up in the ICU twice, wishing I hadn't, thinking damn, still here, this surviving really sucks. I came to the conclusion that over-dosing on just about anything that one can obtain legally is a bad idea and doesn't work. I would suggest that you come to the same conclusion and move on to either sticking it out or xxxxxxxxx. That's always been my problem though--an inability to do violence to myself. It's really unfair that we can't just go to a euthanasia centre and have someone put us out of our misery in a peaceful, calm way. If I could do that, I would definitely go. In fact, I think that they would be fairly busy.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 12, 2012
  3. throwaway1234

    throwaway1234 Member

    Tried again last night. On my birthday. Still here.

    Apparently I'm as much a failure at killing myself as I am everything else.
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    So then perhaps it is time to change your focus and direct your efforts to what you seem to be good at: surviving and living. What are your wellness plans? Can you detail them in the same manner that you did your death plan?
  5. throwaway1234

    throwaway1234 Member

    I don't really have a wellness plan at this point.
    My wife (soon to be ex) has hidden my anxiety meds from me and only allows me the two a day (for good reason obviously). She dumped all the booze we had in the freezer and I'm still wanting to do it.

    I made an apt statement the other day when the first thing started; "self-destruct mode activate."

    I'm actively trying to climb out of the hole, but the smallest slip and I'm back at the bottom. I take my meds, I see my providers, but I only tell them half the story as the whole thing will just put me back as inpatient, which in my opinion is useless. Putting me away to not deal with life, while life continues on without me does not make me better. Yes, there's some time to relax and reflect, but then everything comes back to punch you in the face as soon as you get back to it. I will not go back there.

    I'm trying to find ways to cope. I just have a few more months left in the military (which is part of the reason why I'm doing this) and I'm off to school.

    I see the light at the top, but it just seems to far out of reach.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You don't have to reach it to day hun but you will ok just take each day and do what you can for YOU ok There is always hope hun so don't give into that depression You continue on and you go to school Sometimes hospital stay just gives us enough time to recouperate but if it is not for you i understand that as well. You hun will reach that light you will ok hugs
  7. throwaway1234

    throwaway1234 Member

    I had a moment of weakness and almost tried it again after a wedding with an open bar and lots of booze. Was planning on ODing, but I called the Suicide Hotline and vented.

    I feel a lot better now.
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