still hopeless....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lifesux, Jul 31, 2008.

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  1. lifesux

    lifesux Member

    After all these years....... I STILL struggle to be fully HUMAN. What I mean by that is to SOCIALIZE as most humans do. Just talking to people is hard for me to do. Now Iam 28 and yet another year has past with me being such a big loser, I have no friends no lovers no life, I know some have tried to help me, but everytime I get ANOTHER CHANCE I completly blow it by being such a retard and not fully embracing gods interventions.

    the past month has been extremly difficult for me. My grandmother past away and I was in not one... but 2 differnt psych wards for a few days each. I guess I finally have an answer to why I lack the skills to join humanity. I have schizo-effective dissorder which isnt schizophrenia in that I dont hear voices that arnt there, but my mind assimilates information differntly which hinders my ability to socialize normally. its DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, and parinoia all wrapped up into one "diagnosis" plus social phobic tendancies. Basically I was always quiet but not STUPID! but I didnt talk much because I thought people would think that I was.

    What makes me mad is it took 10 years for them meaning the docs I saw to properly diagnos me which some think is still the wrong diagnosis. Plus most people think Im gay because I dont date and I know Iam not but Iam still a virgin, who still thinks love is going to magically happen to me, which I DO DESPERETLY WANT but now iam starting to not care anymore. I take my seroquel which is the only thing that keeps me asleep every night. ANd wake up to yet another day...that turns into another night of torment and on and on and on.....

    So much has gone on in my life, and I know there are many that would have given thier eye teeth to have lived my life, but for me my life was misery. I was there IN LIFE but I couldnt LIVE LIFE, I just watched it pass me by day after day month after month and year after year. And now I regret not being able to have lived the supposed best years of my life which is our youth. I was able to work for many years but now I can't. I still live at home with my parents.

    I had 15,000 in savings and I blew it all this month, my rational was if Iam going to die I mise well spend it. I did waste a few thousand at a casino, but the rest I bought a new car with and a new tv....(since I destroyed the old tv)...but now Iam again broke. But I like my new car. I just wish I had friends and a girlfriend to go places and do things with it. ANd I know there has been a women I have been pineing for many years and she knows it I see her every now and then on walks and church if I go and such, but I still after all these years can't even say a HI.

    all the so called PROFESSIONALs that we see, and family continually say, THINGS WILL GET BETTER, JUST WAIT YOULL SEE..... HA. if only it was true......for every year I have goals but never seem to be able to MAKE THEM HAPPEN. WHY WHY cant I just DO THEM. I know I have some things going for me, in that I am not a drinker or smoker or illegal drug user, or a jerk, Iam decent looking and can be funny at times, but my personality these past few years has been leaning towards the darkness and not the light.

    I guess Iam done ranting for now, I do go to a suppport group for mentally ill people which does seem to help and I highly reccomend it if you have one in your area.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Your only 28. Don't listen to society, they act as if even being 22 is old these days. You still have soo many years in you. It's far from over.
    Have you ever thought about seeking friendships online? It has it's own advantages compared to going out and seeking human interaction.
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    hey, you've got plenty more time to accomplish things. your hardly old ya know. there's so much more awaiting you, you'll see.
    take care of yourself :hug:
  4. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    I'm kinda like you at 24 and today I want to blow my head off....:(
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know what your talking about. I suffer from socialphobia, augoriphobia, depression, anxiety with panic attacks, irrational thinking, mood swings, paranoia, my thoughts get all jumbled up, and a few others. Socialphobia is a bitch. You don't trust other people and you don't trust yourself.
    I go up to my brothers house on the weekends to get me out of the house. My augoriphobia hampers me from going anywhere. At my brothers house he has people dropping in all the time. I sit there and listen, I don't participate in the conversation because I don't know what will come out of my mouth.After sitting there and my anxiety starts kicking in i'll get up and go in the house and go to my room to calm down. My therapist is always asking me and what was your thought.Alot of the time I can't answer her because at the time I go to the house My mind is all garbled from the anxiety. She is always asking me what was the thought, it doesn't matter what we are talking about. It irritates me when she does that. Well I hope you understand your not alone there are alot of people who suffer from some of the same things. Take Care and PM me if you need to talk...
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