After all these years....... I STILL struggle to be fully HUMAN. What I mean by that is to SOCIALIZE as most humans do. Just talking to people is hard for me to do. Now Iam 28 and yet another year has past with me being such a big loser, I have no friends no lovers no life, I know some have tried to help me, but everytime I get ANOTHER CHANCE I completly blow it by being such a retard and not fully embracing gods interventions. the past month has been extremly difficult for me. My grandmother past away and I was in not one... but 2 differnt psych wards for a few days each. I guess I finally have an answer to why I lack the skills to join humanity. I have schizo-effective dissorder which isnt schizophrenia in that I dont hear voices that arnt there, but my mind assimilates information differntly which hinders my ability to socialize normally. its DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, and parinoia all wrapped up into one "diagnosis" plus social phobic tendancies. Basically I was always quiet but not STUPID! but I didnt talk much because I thought people would think that I was. What makes me mad is it took 10 years for them meaning the docs I saw to properly diagnos me which some think is still the wrong diagnosis. Plus most people think Im gay because I dont date and I know Iam not but Iam still a virgin, who still thinks love is going to magically happen to me, which I DO DESPERETLY WANT but now iam starting to not care anymore. I take my seroquel which is the only thing that keeps me asleep every night. ANd wake up to yet another day...that turns into another night of torment and on and on and on..... So much has gone on in my life, and I know there are many that would have given thier eye teeth to have lived my life, but for me my life was misery. I was there IN LIFE but I couldnt LIVE LIFE, I just watched it pass me by day after day month after month and year after year. And now I regret not being able to have lived the supposed best years of my life which is our youth. I was able to work for many years but now I can't. I still live at home with my parents. I had 15,000 in savings and I blew it all this month, my rational was if Iam going to die I mise well spend it. I did waste a few thousand at a casino, but the rest I bought a new car with and a new tv....(since I destroyed the old tv)...but now Iam again broke. But I like my new car. I just wish I had friends and a girlfriend to go places and do things with it. ANd I know there has been a women I have been pineing for many years and she knows it I see her every now and then on walks and church if I go and such, but I still after all these years can't even say a HI. all the so called PROFESSIONALs that we see, and family continually say, THINGS WILL GET BETTER, JUST WAIT YOULL SEE..... HA. if only it was true......for every year I have goals but never seem to be able to MAKE THEM HAPPEN. WHY WHY cant I just DO THEM. I know I have some things going for me, in that I am not a drinker or smoker or illegal drug user, or a jerk, Iam decent looking and can be funny at times, but my personality these past few years has been leaning towards the darkness and not the light. I guess Iam done ranting for now, I do go to a suppport group for mentally ill people which does seem to help and I highly reccomend it if you have one in your area.