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Still hurting

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Leeuwerik, Dec 29, 2013.

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  1. Leeuwerik

    Leeuwerik Member

    I hate it to be me! To have to suffer every day again. It's like life doesn't allow to be happy. Every day again I remember what happened a few years ago. I can't let it go, and it hurts.

    5 years ago, when I was 16, I was finally done with all the mental hospitals and stuff. They told me I was 'fixed" and able to live my life by myself instead of giving the responsibility to them. It was scary, because I wasn't as 'fixed' as they thought I was. I had lied about so many things. They thought I was happy, but I wasn't. I still hated myself, but they didn't know. But somehow I managed to pick up my life and I kind of enjoyed it as well. So I went on a holiday with my best friend and we spend the week at a campground. I enjoyed it! It was like I was a normal teenager again, something I'd not felt in months. But at the end of my holiday, a guy I met that day raped me. Just like that. He'd hurt me, but he didn't even care. After 6 months of no cutting I started that night. I felt disgusting. After all those years, I still couldn't manage to take care of myself. It was all my fault. I hated myself.

    And 2 years later, I got raped again. By a friend I loved. And ever since I don't trust guys anymore. Relationships are not done for me.I want to, but I just can't trust the guy. So instead I play with guys. I hurt them by kissing them, making them love me and then push them away so they can't come to close. And I hate it. I want to love someone. But I just can't. I try to talk about it, but I can't. I never talked about it. Well I did once, but that didn't work out as I had planned.

    So after 5 years, I'm still suffering from it and I want to let it go. but I just don't know how..
  2. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Leeuwerik: I don't really know how to reply to you but I will try - Though I'm a guy I do understand your feelings towards us what with you being traumatised twice - your experiences are trully shocking - not just the rapes, though of course they are traumatic in themselves, but the fact someone you met that day thought it was ok to assault you in that way. What really shocks me is this friend you loved doing the very same thing to you - You were a friend to him and you loved him, but he obviously did not feel the same about you; he obviously just saw you as an object, not a person
    I hope for your sake Leeuwerik you still have an account here on SF and if you do you can find some support which you so desperately need - I am probably not the person you would wish to confide in, being that I am male, but if you would like to regardless, then my inbox is open to you or you can post here

    Take care Leeuwerik

  3. PatriciaAHunt

    PatriciaAHunt Member

    I don't really know how to reply to your post, but my advice would be make yourself busy. If you have a job, you focus your attention there. How young are you dear?
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