I hate it to be me! To have to suffer every day again. It's like life doesn't allow to be happy. Every day again I remember what happened a few years ago. I can't let it go, and it hurts. 5 years ago, when I was 16, I was finally done with all the mental hospitals and stuff. They told me I was 'fixed" and able to live my life by myself instead of giving the responsibility to them. It was scary, because I wasn't as 'fixed' as they thought I was. I had lied about so many things. They thought I was happy, but I wasn't. I still hated myself, but they didn't know. But somehow I managed to pick up my life and I kind of enjoyed it as well. So I went on a holiday with my best friend and we spend the week at a campground. I enjoyed it! It was like I was a normal teenager again, something I'd not felt in months. But at the end of my holiday, a guy I met that day raped me. Just like that. He'd hurt me, but he didn't even care. After 6 months of no cutting I started that night. I felt disgusting. After all those years, I still couldn't manage to take care of myself. It was all my fault. I hated myself. And 2 years later, I got raped again. By a friend I loved. And ever since I don't trust guys anymore. Relationships are not done for me.I want to, but I just can't trust the guy. So instead I play with guys. I hurt them by kissing them, making them love me and then push them away so they can't come to close. And I hate it. I want to love someone. But I just can't. I try to talk about it, but I can't. I never talked about it. Well I did once, but that didn't work out as I had planned. So after 5 years, I'm still suffering from it and I want to let it go. but I just don't know how..