still hurts years later

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Malcontent, Oct 25, 2008.

  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I've talked about this before, but I need to talk about it again. At first the pain is constant, then it comes in waves and lulls, and eventually the lulls get longer. But when the waves hit they hit just as hard as they always did.

    It must be about 2 and a half years ago now, I can't even remember the exact date and I hate myself for it. My girlfriend (at the time) cheated on me and I forgave her like I always did. Then she told me she was pregnant and I was overjoyed even though the child couldn't have been mine. I would've married her and brought him or her up as my own, I would've done everything possible to make sure they both had everything they needed. Even though I was terrified of the responsibility I was still more happy than I've ever been. Then my ex had a miscarriage. I know it's not the same as losing a child but it still felt, and does right now, like a piece of me is missing. I can't help but think about what life would be like now if things had been different. My ex and I would have broken up anyway, but I would've still done everything in my power to see the child and provide for them. I would've still loved them. I wonder what he or she would've looked like, I wonder what their first word would've been, would I have been there to help them take their first step, would they have called me daddy? I'd gladly swap my life for their's if I could just get to see them just once and know that they were happy.

    I just needed to type this. I just needed not to be a heartless bastard for once. (btw I'm not religious, I totally respect you if you are but those aren't my beliefs and hearing yours wont help, thank you)
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug: hun

    im sorry i have nothing helpful to say but i just wanted to remind u that my pm box is open any time u need someone xxx
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sending you my love and many hugs Mal. I am glad you talked about this again as it is still an emptiness in your heart. :hug:
  4. quest

    quest Member

    You lost a genetic piece of yourself with the miscarriage and your loss is real, you sound like a kind and caring person, which can amplify your pain. But letting it out will reap benefits. Try to think of emotions as "energy in motion" they will disapate as long as you dont stuff them or deny thier existance.
  5. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Whether the baby was biologically yours or not you still had a connection with them.

    A miscarriage is still losing a child albeit they had not been born but a loss is still a loss & people still need to grieve & heal over that loss. You never met your son or daughter but that does not stop you thinking of the person that they would have been, how they would have looked, what their personality would be like, all the little things.

    You sound like you are still grieving for your baby, I hope in time you will be able to find some peace. The pain will never go away but it becomes more bearable, you learn to live with it.

    Take care & be gentle on yourself. I am here if you ever want to talk.

    Claire xx