Still in the Same State of Mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Project Atlas, Mar 30, 2011.

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  1. Project Atlas

    Project Atlas Member

    Since the fifth grade, I have been wanting to die to some degree. Back then, it was because I was made fun of a lot for various things. But all the way up to 8th grade there was still plenty of reasons to be alive. Then came my first year of High School that was even worse than anything before. I was made fun of for simply being there. I wanted to really die at that point more. It was a living hell.*
    So my parents switched me to another highschool. It too had it's share of problems and I felt my share of moments wanting to die. It was very hard. Easier than the previous school. But still hard.

    This is all behind me now, and I have moved on from the days of school teasing issues.*

    However, during my Softmore year came the day that would make me beg to be back in any other part of my life. This issue has not been resolved for 4 years. It was March 27 2007. This would be and still is the single worst day of my life. I have not changed since then. I feel embarrased for saying this but I guess I'll need to mention everything if I expect any help. I happen to be interested in a sort of subculture. It is called Furry Fandom. I also happen to like all of it's aspects. Both the tame family friendly things to the more "eccentric" side.*

    Ok. With that out of the way, here is what happened. I can only try to remember to the best of my ability, it is mostly a blur to me now.
    Though this was never the cause of teasing growing up, I realized my whole life that I was interested in this. And I was very excited to find others with my same interests. This excitement only lasted for about 2 or 4 days. On that day, March 27 2007, I found a site criticizing "Furries". It was just one website, but it ruined my day, then came the vast amount of other negative content on the internet. Over these years I have avoided television and film that I feel even slightly relates to Furry Fandom. Including anything to do with lycanthropy. I have stopped watching entire television programs and channels after they even made a mention of the Fandom. This has continued since that day.*

    I have realized what it was about all this criticism towards Furries that bothered me so much. When I found out about it, I felt that I had finally found a group to belong with.*
    I expected it to be group whose interests were so odd and out of the way that anyone who was not involved would never think about it. But unfortunately for me I was wrong.
    I suppose I am more upset that Furry Fandom did not stay "under the radar".
    I feel that this criticism has taken the fun out of ever enjoying to be a Furry.
    That is my current issue.

    Now I've felt like ending my life over this, as a way to end all the confusion and depression. I am not a religious person so I am unsure about the possibility of life after death. I feel that if nothing comes after this, I would rather not bother to attempt to enjoy life. I simply feel too impatient to die. If my consciousness continues after my body dies, I can only hope the next place is better than here. I really want this to end soon. I cannot simply choose to ingnore what others think. My mind just does not allow me to do that, I don't know why. I can't enjoy anything the same anymore. Every activity or event has only felt bitter-sweet since that day in 2007. People say that suicide is selfish and that the people who love you will get hurt. I'm sure they would, but I just feel that I can't stay here. I don't understand how they are not the ones who are selfish. I can't understand why I should have to be alive if I don't want to. *
    This is not going to go away with time. If it had been only the one website then likely, yes. However these "Furry Haters" continue to express their opinions online and never will stop.

    I know it doesn't sound anywhere near as bad as the problems of others but please know that I've actually had to feel all of these things in my mind, and it is been extremely hard to cope with all of this as a psychological dilema.
  2. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    The important thing to remember is that you still have a place where you feel you belong.

    I don't find you strange. I have come across Furry Fandom before, although I never really knew much about it. I would never ever let someone make up my mind for me though and those who do let themselves get influenced by the media are fools because of it. There are hundreds and hundreds of sub cultures which get criticized by people who range from simple flamers to so called "experts". It doesn't matter what any of these people think, only what you think. If you want to be a part of it and enjoy what it might provide then don't let anyone stop you.

    Please don't kill yourself over this. I cannot emphasize enough how much you are not alone. Sub cultures I'm a part of receive criticism as well, but I know they're wrong. Just like you do. Hold in there

    Feel free to message me if you want to talk :)
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