Still miss her.

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Israel Regardie, Jul 30, 2011.

  1. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    I'll be brief... In my 23 years only one woman has loved me. I met her four years ago and I have never been as happy with her. True, the relationship was full of turmoil, mostly because of our joined social anxiety and depression (but NOTHING like my current depression)
    Fast forward 1,5 years and she breaks up in an e-mail. She did this, she said, because she has tried many times and always took it back because I started crying...
    So, she left, I was all alone in a new city and soon plunged into alcoholism and heroin addiction (never having touched anything before her).
    Three years running and my depression grows deeper every day. I miss her so much, and though there have been maybe two girls who have been interested in me, of the 100 who rejected me, I always end up breaking it off as no one can compare to her... I really believe she is the main reason for this depression. True, I have alway been melancholic, but she sparked the depression that has lead me to several suicide attempts and drug addiction.

    What does one do? She is everything to me still, and I do not wish to live without her...
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    You're having a tough time, and I don't have anything to say that could comfort you or be meaningful to you, so all I can do is send some e-hugs your way whether you like them or not ;).. Anyways, I wish you the best during these trying times of yours.

    :hugtackles: :hugtackles::hugtackles:

    [3 hugs (one for each consecutive year of depression)]
  3. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    These times? I don't think they will ever end, dearest...
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Yes, I know you don't think you can feel any better unless you're with her. :( I know that feeling. :hug:
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    have you tried getting some councilling for your grief it helps in that it can move you forward some. You are stuck hun you need to move on there will be another but not if you stay fixated on one that does no longer want you.
    Get some therapy to help you okay
  6. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    Been in therapy since I was 15. Had five different therapists since she left, and five different medications... I do not want to be fixated, but the heart wants what it wants...
  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    What does another girl have to have to be able to compare to her?
  8. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    Brains. The ability to relate to me and my life like She did. We were almost identical. Same humour, same troubled background, same sense of being outsiders... The combination of being caring and protective, and at the same time being sweet, understanding and equally vulnerable.
  9. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    That's quite a hefty list. :unsure:

    Here's my two cents. Maybe other girls that you'll enjoy getting to know later on will have their own qualities that you value in them. Most of all, one of them might love you back and not have too much turmoil with you. Maybe the fact that your ex too had a troubled background was a recipe for disaster since you two were too similar. Maybe, maybe not. Being almost identical in nature might not be the best woman out there in terms of sustaining a long-term relationship with fewer roller coaster rides. I remember when I once heard someone say that "opposites attract" when describing how two lovers found each other and married, although I'm not sure how that fits in here.

    In conclusion, the aforementioned was my thought process after reading your post. Just trying to explain my thoughts; hope it's not painful to read or take in as one opinion in a world full of others. :hugtackles:
  10. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    You're not alone on feeling like this, when I lost my boyfriend of 3 years I felt like NONE of the guys I dated ever measured up to him and I ended up dumping all of them. The boyfriend I have now is great in his own personal way but is still nothing like my ex, but he isn't my ex so I really shouldn't expect him to be like him.

    It takes a tremendous time getting over someone that was so close and dear to you. Even to this day I still love my ex just as much as I did before he broke up with me, but severing that tie is important in letting go and I'm talking to him less and less.

    I really hope you will be able to move on and find somebody that really intrigues you and makes you happier, and I urge you to continue the search for that certain someone who you can relate to again. I know it's hard as heck, but just keep swimming.
  11. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    Here's the problem:
    A. I am too desperate, I scare girls away... But the more time passes I become more desperate...
    B. Most women reject me... which leads to more of point A.

    I also was thinking today... It all has to do with childhood.. My mother never loved me. So if we follow Freud, I am looking for a mother figure... Which doesnt help me out since most women want a father figure, not a child figure...
    That's prolly also why I'm addicted to heroin, many sources, including Freud and R.A.Wilson say that opiates/heroin is a way of returning to the womb and the teat (u would know if you ever tried it...)

    Ever since she left I have met ONE person that could replace her... and she was in a relationship...
  12. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    Today it hurts more than ever...
  13. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi AnrBjotkRaikjovskji,

    Sending more :hug: :hug: your way. :(

    Here for support,

    Mr. A
  14. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    I wish that would help :(
  15. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    As do I. :(

  16. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    First off I'm sorry your going through so much, it mus be very tough. Being lonely and not having someone who cares and you can relate certainly isn't the easiest thing. We all crave being wanted, love and intimacy on some level.

    There's some good advice in the replys you've received some of the advice Mr. Alex has given as well as houseofcards. You show wisdom awareness and insight into your own situation which is certainly a step in the right direction.

    Getting off heroin should be your main priority which I suspect you know and then you can properly cope with the grief. Getting to the point where you can accept the loss of your gf who meant and still means so much to you is what your secondary goal should be.

    Anyways I'm super exhausted here My best thinking cap isn't on, best wishes to over and good luck on overcoming your demons *hug
  17. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    Thanks man. All my friends, and most of my therapist, put up a pretty hard front: "Jeezus, man, let her go. Youre being selfish. Move on. It happens to everybody. You don't own her, man. There'll be others." Etc.

    I just keep thinking... you havent experiences true love if that is your attitude. So many days I just want to end it. So in some ways I'll be closer to her. To be buried in the ground and know she is walking on me, eating the plants that grow out of the earth I lay in... sigh.
  18. davenish

    davenish New Member

    I know exactly how you feel. I have only been loved by one person too. I am 45 and she is 22. I know that if she were to leave me I'd spiral down too. Despite our relationship being full of turmoil we have both found that it is impossible to live without each other. Do you know where she is now? if so, I would try to contact her and explain how you feel. Never give up on something which you feel so much for.
  19. Solstadius

    Solstadius Member

    Was it rough to go all these years to finally found her? Something in me tells that it could be the case for me too. Can't be sure though I'm only 21.

    Anyway, I can totally relate myself to a feeling that most of people haven't experienced that moment of pure love. It may be the case that I'm too sensitive and can see relations in some cultural and psychological ways which many can not. It may be the case that I've suffered too much pain and the feeling of love would be much more than a relief for me. But maybe I'm still the lucky one who sees the love that many does not. Because you know, through her I learned to love all women like I never did before. Through her my long lost senses from childhood for the colours and sounds and smells were reinvented. She stands higher than mother she stands higher than wife she is Goddess and the perfect balance when I'm looking into her eyes I feel as God himself. Those who have felt it, they know. The girl who makes you feel like you knew her long long before the two of you really met. For the feeling of love what you've been born for.

    I didn't get her. As I'm young there's always a hope. But for that hope I should be always worth the love she can offer to me. It seems pointless from time to time. To do things to work just to be worth it but not getting it. But man, I've felt love for what I would just walk all around the world if it brings it to me again. I just need to keep going and do these things from deep down of my heart. Things which would make her smile. Cause I know, they'll make me too. I still cannot accept even in maybe that she isn't the one. I've been living in celibate for last 9 months and don't know how long I'll go on with it but after her I feel truly pure. I should bring it all to the world so world can give it to me too. I really hope it's her what world has offer to me but as I'm living a life to be worth of her then world can offer it to me in some other way too I don't know but it'll definitely works out if I'm doing these things to be worth it.

    I haven't tried heroin but I can also relate to this feeling to want return into the womb. The peacefulness of lying in the sunlight on the fields of your mind. Butterflies dancing and nothing matters. Every night I see those dreams. Sunlight in the place where I don't have to love or think too much. The Goddess of Heroin I think is the hardest for a man to defeat. But if he can do it perhaps he can do everything.

    I like to think this way myself. Before her I really was lost. I didn't know where I was heading. Numb as numb can be. Through her I saw the light. She is the light. But before her I never lived a life to be worth of that light for my ways. Today I know I could make it, still feeling time to time the emptiness in my eyes around all the other people. I'll keep going to be ready for that light and if it comes with some other I know that tingling pain still can follow me to the grave for what I remember but from the unselfish love she taught to me I actually can make my life still better it was before it all happened.

    That's from my experience. Anyway it's been a year since you posted here. I hope you're doing well now!
  20. VikKalmbach

    VikKalmbach Active Member

    I believe you can get over somebody, and I have definitely been in true love and lost it. I believe you have to have two complete parts to be in a complete relationship. So, the girl I loved more then anything in the world wasn't my "co-pilot", she flew her own plane and we landed together. You could argue the depths of the love I was in but I understand what it was, felt it and still feel it gone. But, her part of the relationship wasn't in my control. I had no control over how she felt, or her actions, so any energy I put into those things just ran me dry. I really truly believe Israel, you have to focus on making yourself a complete person, and then take this complete person to somebody. Some people are in your situation but have no clue as to why, you are quite bright and introspective and I really admire that. You are a hero to me because you are approaching your problem from different angles trying to figure it out. I always say, if you kick every side of the box and can't get in, sometimes you gotta get real creative and jump on the top or dig up from the bottom. Then if you are happy, the ways you originally connected with this girl will be different.

    You gotta kick the drugs too, you are way to smart my friend. If you ever need to talk more, or vent, or just shoot the shit I am always here to listen. Like I said, you are a hero to me although we don't know eachother, I love you like a brother