If you read my last post you will see that I have come back here after taking a break from it for a while. I know a couple of people have followed what I have had to say in the past so I thought I would afford you an update on where things have gone in the last week. So I went to the Dr on Friday. She was suprised at the fact that they hadn't heard anything from the hospital re the ligation or what ever it was the weekend before. Any way I was talking to her about it and she has talked me in to going back on the meds. I was really reluctant to but she made me realise I was deluding myself. I kept thinking that when I go away things will be fine and I just need to get through the next few weeks until I go. I never even considered I would feel worse while I am away. Now I am really worrying about going and the thought of getting worse makes me feel more suicidal as I can't cope with feeling like I do for much longer. I have gone on to Mirtazapine 30mg which worked in the past, but increased my appetite by so much it was horrible. I have noticed that already and that is with only taking them for a few days. I can't be doing with it. I don't want to rely on pills for the rest of my life. I can't. I went out on Saturday night and ended up getting really upset. All I can think about now is ending things. I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't wanna end up being in hospital for attempting and failing. I know what I would do to end things but wouldn't want anyone I know finding me. So the only option I have is waiting til I go away. I may feel better once I am away, and it gives me the option then doesn't it? Either I will be happier and wont need to or I will feel worse and I will have the motivation to.