Still, nothing ever works out.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lost2many, Mar 17, 2015.

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  1. Lost2many

    Lost2many Member

    I last posted a month ago, after telling my family doctor that I did have a suicide plan. She recently increased the dosage of my anti-depressant. Last week, at home, I intercepted the envelope from the memorial studio which contained the artist's drawing of my tombstone. I was now in the position of either using the credit card I had recently applied for, to pay for the stone so that it would be installed in the cemetery where my father is buried, or tell my wife and pay for it openly. I finally told my wife how depressed I have been for over a year, and why, and that I had devised a detailed suicide plan. I told her where I wanted to be buried (she had coincidentally asked about the cemetery that day!) whether its this year or ten years from now. After the tears and recriminations, she said that we should be buried in the same place, and she has no connection with that cemetery. She said she doesn't want me to finish paying for the stone. Now I regret that I told her. I didn't tell her in order to blame her, to make her feel bad, or to gain sympathy. Additionally, all the sense of accomplishment I felt when I purchased the burial plot and made the deposit on the stone now seems lost. I guess I either accept that I've failed at something else important to me, and accede to her wishes, or I just pay for the stone in secret, as the credit card just came in the mail yesterday. I feel defeated and ashamed
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope together you can get the help you need to continue to fight against the depression
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sure you knew when you started the discussion that it would not be a congratulations on having made the purchase and as a way of telling your wife that you are depressed it is a little blunt but it would get the point across so I would say it did work out as it initiated a discussion about your depression that you owed your wife. When it comes to financial matters like large purchases on credit cards for any reason I am of the old school that those things are discussed and not hidden from a spouse so I think that was in order anyway. My point being, you said it did not work out-/ nothing works out- but actually it accomplished a lot. You actually initiated a real discussion about your depression and have avoided having ot lie to your wife about money and the guilt of that for many months of payments.

    As a typical estate plan for in the future it has purpose as a responsible married couple. Now, I recommend that you investigate therapy/counseling with that money would have been secretly spending on the tombstone to address your depression and the issues with your spouse that made discussing depression and hiding these type of purchases seem a good idea - or perhaps for a long weekend away with your wife to spend real time together away from day to day stressors to have meaningful discussions and just spend some quality time together with somebody you love and try to add some enjoyment to your life that is filled with pain and sadness in large part for the last year.
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