Still talking.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by mei, Jan 30, 2016.

  1. mei

    mei Active Member

    I don't know anymore. Do I even have the right to feel this way. It hurts, or maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'm just making this all up. Such a desperate attempt to be interesting. I thought, once, that I craved pain. Isn't that pretentious of me? Hah.

    This is stupid. I'm not even sure why I'm here. I'll just ramble, as I do all the time.

    But here I am. Still typing. Still talking.

    When it's over. When that time, that phase, passes it's like I was just being stupid. But while I'm feeling this way I know that I'm not just being a dumbfuck.

    And I'm being so obvious. At school, at home. And yet no one sees. And it hurts. Or maybe it doesn't.

    Let's face it. Even you, the person reading this, doesn't actually give a shit. I'm just a kid on the internet that sounds like I'm having a hard time. Maybe you'd find yourself caring about me. But only for a second. It'll fade. And if you're still reading this, I'm sorry for wasting your time.

    Because I'm not depressed. I have no reason to be.

    But I'm here. Because I don't know what else to do.

    It's been this way for a long time. Like many of you, I have thought of taking my own life. Don't give me that religion stuff. This'll just turn into a debate. haha.

    But I'm too much of a coward. I can't go through with it. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to die, I do but I also don't (isn't that weird).

    I have been like this since I was years younger than I am now. And I'm pretty young. The youngest I can remember me thinking of depressing thoughts was when I was eight years old. But everything just gets worse the more time passes. And now 'that' person will no longer be here to talk to me. How stupid of me. I told that person that I won't burden him anymore. Yet I keep reaching for the phone. I don't dial, mind you, 'cause that person's happy. I don't want to be in the way of that. That person, so cruel. To make me believe that it was okay. He made me open a door. And now I can't close it. I was fine before. I was getting by.

    Now I can't. It's so much harder.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi Mei welcome to SF. I care about you. You don't need a reason to be depressed, it could be a chemical imbalance. Keep posting. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me.
    2 people like this.
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are not wasting anybody's time. I am unsure why people are so quick to dismiss pain or suffering in somebody based on age- I am not "young" anymore but despite everyone telling me when I was that age "these are the best years of your life"- I still to this day can say absolutely not true- it was hard and sucky and not having anybody listen or take you seriously does not help in the least.

    As said above, some huge trauma or crisis is not needed at all for it to be real depression- I might even guess that not having something to "blame " it on could make it worse / harder to deal with. It certainly is real however if you feel it, and I hope you get some help dealing with it- life is hard enough without having to deal with things like feeling this way all alone....
    2 people like this.
  4. mei

    mei Active Member

    Thank you. I'm sorry, I don't know how to say thank you properly when it comes to this.
    Today was good though. I felt normal and calm today. As if I wasn't feeling horrible just the night before. I'm dreading the time it comes back but I'm holding unto the thought that tomorrow will be okay too. When I'm like this i'll try to help others as well. I don't know if I'll be much help since it's not like i've graduated from unstable teenager to happy, normal citizen yet but i'll try.