Still the same

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by frankie626, Jun 14, 2008.

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  1. frankie626

    frankie626 Active Member

    It never goes away does it.. I can remember far back into my childhood.. Maybe 4 or 5.. Before I even started Kindergarten, I remember waiting for everyone to fall asleep and quietly trying to open the front door to sneak away and disappear. Didn't matter that I had no where to go, I just wanted to leave and be gone away forever... Now I'm 27. My parents brag about the things I do for a living... My car is black and so shinny I try to keep it spotless all the time.. I have a house that I share with my brother and a roommate but its ours.. So accomplished.. And her.. God shes beautiful, I love her smile the warmth or her skin. The way her kisses can just melt my heart away.. You'd think I'd be happy.. But I'm not. I'm sitting here in my bed wishing.. Just wishing.. Wishing to die.. Hoping it would be soon.. Perferably tomorrow. I'm just so tired.. I don't know why I'm pushing forward.. We try to please others but when are we going to please ourselves?
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    these feelings of wanting to disappear don't come out of thin air.

    i also felt suicidal from a young age, and i am learning that it was a natural outcome of my messed up home situation. my dad abused us all, and my mom just ignored what was going on and did nothing to protect us. from them, i learned to believe i was worthless and have been desperately trying to disappear ever since. it's taken some time in counselling to learn that this desire for suicide is really just a reaction to my parent's neglect. i am not explaining myself very well, but i think you get the idea.

    i share this because there might be something in your past that explains why you were trying to escape, even at such a young age. perhaps a good counsellor could help you answer the question why did you want escape so badly.
     
  3. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    :hug:

    I kinda know where you are coming from.

    I used to look at myself & think 'what have I got to be depressed about?'. After all I have a good job, my own house & car etc, etc.

    Yeah sure I have all the material things but there was always something dragging me down from a young age & I couldn't put my finger on it.

    It's only now that with the help of my psychologist that we are 'exploring' my childhood. It's weird but now I remember all sorts of crap that happened to me when I was wee :mellow: It's amazing what the mind buries away sometimes.

    I'm not suggesting that you had a bad childhood or anything like that but sometimes things we dismiss as being insignificant actually play a big part in how we are today.
     
  4. frankie626

    frankie626 Active Member

    well first off i want to take the time to thank u two for opening up and sharing with me ur own personal experiences. I don't exactly know why but these past two weeks have been hard.. I just had so many things on my mind so many problems as well.. Yesterday however.. was great. not that anything happened out of the ordinary.. but i had this thought that came across my mind.. and everything else seemed so clear to me. what if i leave? there's nothing here holding me back what if i just pack a few things and get out of here. maybe not forever but long enough to be lost in a place with unfamiliar sights and faces. suicides kind of like.. getting up and leaving the theater before waiting to see the ending of a movie. i want to do something great with my life. not for anyone else but for myself. i need to explore what else is out there for me. =)
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Frankie you don't want to live off the streets. You are always looking for food. It isn't safe to be out there. You hear about attacks on homeless people. Back in the seventies when I was living like that it was fairley safe. please reconsider. Trust me you won't like it...:chopper:
     
  6. frankie626

    frankie626 Active Member

    haha oh no! not live on the streets.. I was thinking more like moving out of the country or at least out of town for a couple of years..
     
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