still thinking about it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by marycotter5678, Nov 2, 2009.

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  1. i posted here last night... i have not slept at all and still crying - i dunno how much longer i can take the pain
    he is supposed to come here with his mother after i begged him and said i am not coping but he keeps saying that we are not getting back together and he doesnt love me
    i am very anxious for the visit but know it will be bad and im afraiu of what it will do to my already fragile state..
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i am sorry to hear that. is it possible you are better off without him? you will always have us.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry this is going to be pretty long and I hope you dont think I'm being cruel. I just want you to understand and try to get yourself some help.

    I'm going to be really frank. He is an ass. And it's unfortunate his true colors came out at such an incredible bad time. But atleast they have. But you arent going to change him hun. I dont understand, if you have been living together (I'm assuming that he is staying with his parents now?) that his family would just take this all in and agree with what he is doing to you? They have a son so they also know it takes 2 to make a baby. He has a responsibility in this too. It would be very interesting to know what spin he has put on all this. Honestly I think he has kind of showed his colors all along and they just came to a head. Maybe he was feeling trapped, not ready to fulfill the daddy role yet. But regardless, he is now being an immature ass.

    I am sure you have your reasons for not being able to share this with your family. But you need to have someone there for you. This is not fair to you that you are alone and suffering through so many emotions. There is a thing called the baby blues. It happens to many women after they have a baby. But it can also happen after an abortion. It is your hormones all out of whack. And it makes your thoughts and decisions all mixed up and confusing. You feel things you dont understand. You maybe going through that right now too.

    I think you need to get yourself together a bit. Get some jeans on, wash your face, go have a bite to eat and a nice hot cup of coffee before they come over. When they get there, as hard as it will be, dont start the visit off with begging him to come back. You need to get some answers hun and he isnt going to answer any if you are cornering him, especially in front of his mom. Find out exactly what his mom knows, what he has told her. I think she may not know the whole story. And if she does then it confirms that his behaviour now is normal for him and you want to get as far away from this guy as possible.

    I think he really enjoys playing house and that's it. Think about it sweetie. He's been there for 7 years. No real obligations or responsibilities outside of caring for himself and having you as a partner. But this happens and he's out of there. Not a person you want to commit a lifetime to. Nor the life of an innocent child. Had you kept the baby, you would have to understand that YOU would be solely responsible for caring and raising that child. He would of been there only for show. That's it. Would you have been prepared for that?

    Hun you need to get it together for this "meeting". After they leave I need you to do something just for you. Call a crisis line or suicide line and tell them exactly what you have posted here. You need to talk to someone and get it out. You need to know that someone else can hear your pain. We can hear it but we cant do anything but post back and forth and support you through the pain. A crisis line or suicide line person can get you in contact with agencies that will help you. Turn you to people that can help you to get some support and even medical help if you need it. They can get you the real life support you need. You are grieving the loss of your baby and the loss of your relationship all in one big load. You cant keep this to yourself. You dont need to tell family or friends right now. But you need to talk to someone that can help you.

    Once you do that then you can come back and post here if it helps too. I understand losing a baby. And I understand when you think that little baby is going to be a joyous thing and it doesnt go that way. But you are just as special. You need help and you need to get it for yourself. You need to get some closure and some understanding about your feelings, his feelings and everything that has happened so quickly. And you cant do that by sitting there all alone. Please sweetie, get dressed, get a bite to eat and then make that call.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 2, 2009
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Please call crisis. Many of us have had to make that call. :hug:
  5. I cannot go out.. i am crying all the time and look like a mess. I am going to wait until they come... i am still holding out some hope that it may be good... but the reasonable side of me tells me thats just wishful thinking
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well if you cant go, then get someone to come to you. Many crisis lines and centers have mobile units that can come to you. I live in a very small rural town and the unit can come out and they even have taken me back into the unit for a few days. Dont be alone please. Get someone to talk to.
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    It doesn matter what you look like. You're a mess on the inside and that's whats important. Goodness hun, dont worry about the outside right now. You have enough to think about. You're in a crisis. Only the actors in movies ever look good when their lives are falling around about them. This is you and you need to atleast make the call. No one is going to know or care what you look like.
  8. Well he came with his mother - they were here for about 2 hours. He didnt say much to me and didnt really look at me. I said sorry to him and he said whats done is done.. that he has no respect for me and cant be with me. His mother was very comforting - she hugged me and cried with me and it made me feel better. She said she understands my pain but these are our problems and it's not her decision. She said we are better apart and mentioned that I should go live with relatives overseas for a while - which i thought was just so i am far far away from her son...
    She asked him to get me water and he did - he got the kind that i stressed i always wanted and he usually didnt comply - distilled. He was sobby at moments. Before they left he asked his mom to wait for him downstairs and i thought there would be a breakthrough but no. He just asked why i did it and i said i dont know i was stupid and wasnt thinking. And he said again he cant be with me and that i will move on and be fine eventually. I told him i wont - he offered to bring one of my friends over for support but i said no. I told him we can still get past this and be happy and he said he will never be able to forgive me and have kids with me. As he walked out he said in a low voice "im sorry" and that was it.

    At this point i am feeling very drained and i think i will try to go to sleep if i can...

    I still can't accept this and am still hoping he will change his mind but i dunno... i guess wishful thinking.
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Yes, try and get some rest. Try and let go of things and sleep. And tomorrow do things for you. Make one of those phone calls that have been suggested. This isnt all your fault or doing as he seems to be implying. Please please remember that. Tomorrow, it's about you ok? Do things to help you move forward. We're here to listen and help anyway we can.
  10. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    i know the feeling of being dumped. This too will pass.
  11. Well there's been another twist... just when I was feeling better and starting to accept that maybe this is for the better, I hear the door unlock a little after 9pm.. it's him. He came and said "i'm here to make sure you go to sleep.. dont think we're getting back together" and he went to another room. He mae himself foo and asked if im hungry i told him no. Then he gave me some sleeping pill (that his mom takes). I asked if I could smoke a cigarette with him as he was smoking and he said "im not here to bond with u" so I just walked away. He stayed and slept in the spare bedroom and left at 5:30am. I did not asleep all night again but did fall asleep for a little while after he left...
    Now I am starting to feel worse again =/ Because I feel like he's maybe giving me false hope.. I know that probably his mom asked him to do this just so she has peace of mind because she knows i am suicidal. But i can't help but think maybe he is changing his mind...
    On the dating website that he is signed up for (i have the login info).. he delete all the emails he got. I am thinking he did this too because he is afraid if i see it it will make me do somethign stupid.
    I feel angry because yesterday after they left and i spoke with my mom, i was trully starting to recover and feel better an i thought "ok it will be okay". But now I am back to just wanting him back really bad and feeling confused that he's playing with my feelings, etc etc...

    My magic bullet broke (mixer) - that was my main source of food as of late... I have to get another mixer maybe i'll just take the one from my mom's today. I will go to the pharmacy and get something to help strengthen my immune system because I am very weak...

    Thank you for being here.. this really helps to have people to talk to like this. It is amazing how one minute i was so close to ending it and then last night i was so close to being okay with everything...
  12. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Keep posting here, it's a step by step process to walk through the hard stuff. :hug:
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Maybe you need to set up some boundaries with him until you are feeling a little better and stronger and surer of yourself. Send him a text saying that you would prefer that he stay away say til atleast the end of the week. Tell him you have a lot of things to work out for yourself and that him stopping by doesnt really help. Then mention that maybe it would be best if you got together say at a restuarant to talk about things. Future plans, your relationship, what brought al of this on, and what you are going to do about where you both live now. I think you both need some space to get your thoughts and emotions settled around. Could you try hun? I know it seems like you're pushing him away by doing this. But you need to be able to move forward yourself without him mixing up your signals for you. Would give you a chance to see things that happened last couple of days without all the hurt being dragged back up. And give him a chance to see that you are much stronger than he may think.
  14. I am back at my low point... I can't take this pain anymore.
    I was doing somewhat good today .. did not call him an managed to eat. I went to visit my parents at 7pm and I tried to use my cellphones and I noticed i can't call anywhere. So i used the house phone and called my cellphone an there was this weird tone as if its disconnected. Now me and him share a cellphone family plan and i immediately thought he disconnected my phone. I panicked and left my parents house automatically.. I was only there for 5 minutes. I was crying outside, shaking... I took my dad's cellphone and tried calling him but same tone.. tried calling his mother, same tone. I thought "omg he disconnected all these numbers even his mothers they must all hate me so much" i took a cab home and broke down... i drank some valerian root tincture which helps to calm me down and i immediately got on the computer and emailed him saying i need to speak with him and that i know he disconnected the phones and i am panicking. He wrote back saying to relax and that he didnt disconnect the phones.. at that moment the lines on my cellphone came on.
    He must have did that on purpose... to hurt me on purpose. How could he do that knowing myh state already? I am in so much pain right now I dont know what to do with myself... =(
    Why is he playing like this with me???? Is he really so sick that he may be enjoying this?
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